Sandi2, Also you mentioned about having someone close speak to her.If you had had someone in your family speak to you wouldn't you had thought your husband had something to do with it.Wouldn't that have made you more angry towards your husband?It almost sounds like an intervention.If you hadn't read that book do you think you would have continued to spiral downhill?
I think b/c I used this in a plural term, you thought I meant for more than one person at a time to confront your W. No, I do believe that would feel like an intervention.
The only way I would have been more angry at my H was if I thought "he" was behind that person coming to talk to me. If they talked about what a great man my H was and how I should go back to the M, etc. But that isn't what I am saying. I am talking about "her" mental health and not the M. It has to be concern for her and leave you completely out of it. I don't think that is what you're seeing in my writing.
I did have my mother to talk to me, but it was not all at one time. She never told me that I should stay in my M. She never said anything negative about my H. She let me do most of the talking. Finally, when I felt as if I was having a nervous breakdown, she was the one I turned to for help. I don't have time this morning to get into all of that. I was just glancing over the post when I found this and wanted to try to clear it up. But, yes, I do think if I had not read that book that I could have went down that spiral and hit bottom.....but we'll never know. One important factor.....I can look back and see where the "timing" in when I read that book played a very important part in everything. I believe I had reached that point that I knew I was in trouble. Until she is at that point, she doesn't think she's in any kind of trouble and won't read anything or listen to anyone.
I'll just have to talk about this later. Have to get ready for work.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well today is day 4 since I called her or texted her.Spoke with my therapist a little while today.It kinda sucks right now.My night with the kids and they are sleeping and I know w is out probably with OM.Nothing I can really do about that.Have been reading a lot about MLCs.Really sounds like what she is going thru.I hope that things will work out between us but at this point in time I know there is nothing between us.It seems strange how you could be with someone for so long and can just shut you out of their life and be devoid of emotion about it.I appreciate the support I've received on the board from eveyone.Thank you.
Well a lot going on in my life.Well finally got my screen name changed.Thats how I'm feeling right now.Eye of the tiger ,Rock,eye of the tiger.To start things off I told my w that going thru divorce would be financially taxing for both of us.I told her lets just live apart and go on with our own lives.I have no interest in trying for the marriage while she is going out with om.I know in my heart that she is probably in mlc.So there is really nothing I can say right now anyway.She said she'll think about not doing the divorce.The other thing I have been tossing around in my head are my finances.I live in a very large house.I built it a few years ago.It was our dream house.Well I have a big mortgage to go with it.It is 3 stories.2 people could live here and probably never see each other.I was thinking about dividing up a section and seeing if my w wants to rent.I know it sounds like a crazy idea but there would be ground rules in effect.Like on her days the kids would not be allowed in my half,if she wanted to use the yard it would be on days I'm working,etc.I know this would help me out with bills and free her up a little bit.Shes paying a lot now renting an apartment.I wouldn't want to rent it to a stranger.At least I know she would pay me every month and not destroy the place.Any feedback here would be appreciated.
Anyone want to give feedback?Is the above crazy or stupid on my part?I know it would help me out financially.It would also help w out to.Or should i really give a crap about her.
I think it would be hard on both of you, emotionally. I would look for her to live somewhere else, and then you rent out to a third party to add additional income for the family.
I am curious about something.If I did decide to approach one of my w's relatives I know well.How would I begin talking with them about my w's problem.Is there a certain way to explain it to them?
I know it sounds like a crazy idea but there would be ground rules in effect.Like on her days the kids would not be allowed in my half,if she wanted to use the yard it would be on days I'm working,etc.
Would you believe me if I told you that no way on earth that would work? For one huge reason.....if that was all you needed.....and that is "the kids". How are you going to tell your own children that they are not allowed on "your half" of the house & yard? You can't do that and think your children are going to grow up to be "normal" people! Listen sweetie, you are hurting so badly that you aren't "thinking". You are trying to "fix" this problem.
Years ago, I tried to live in a similar situtation with the house, etc. It was not a marriage stitch like yours, but it was similar. Trust me.....it won't work. It never works that way, and futhermore, you really don't "want" it that way. You are trying to figure out something that would get her closer to you.
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I am curious about something.If I did decide to approach one of my w's relatives I know well.How would I begin talking with them about my w's problem.Is there a certain way to explain it to them?
No! Do not say one word to anybody about your wife! Unless you want to dig your marriage grave with your teeth. Did you not listen to what I said about how I would have reacted if my H had talked to "anybody"? Well, he did say something to my mother the night everything hit the fan, and I think I told about part of that and how much damage that did. I do know I tried to explain that if anyone talks to your W about supporting "you"......it will turn her away. I can't stress enough how everything you "think".....works opposite.
For an example: You "want" to cling to her tighter. You "should" drop the rope and turn her lose.
You "want" to fix the problem; you want to control her and the stitch; you want to find the key that works in making her snap out of it. You "should" leave her alone, accepting that you cannot "fix" or "control" what she does. You "should" GAL and act "as if" she will not be a part of it again. Maybe she will, and maybe she won't.
Those are just a few examples of what I'm trying to tell you.
Please, please do not talk to any of her relatives. I know you are hurt and you are very concerned.....but like other LBH's you will have to see that the more you try to "make things work" the worse it will become.
I regret saying a word about finding somebody who might talk to her b/c I think that is all you saw in my statement. I thought she was a serial cheater and was hopping from one man to the next....at the time I said what I did. As I mentioned the book I had read that tells what happens to a woman's emotional state after she lives like that. "If" a relative, Pastor, friend.....somebody in her life who saw for themselves what was happening to her and saw her heading for that downward out of control sprial stairs......thenthey could decide whether or not to say anything to her. But for YOU to go to them and tell them about your wife and what she's doing? No way! It will backfire on you big time. Just one thing.....one little word.....and that is that YOU talked to them. That would do it up! Even "if" they didn't say that (which always comes out in the end) what would you want them to say? You may say you are thinking about her well being, but we both know that you think her well being is going home to you! I keep telling you.....don't talk to anyone.
It is hard to do things at night when you have small kids in bed sleeping. But, try to find something healthy to keep your mind occupied and not focused on your W and the stitch. If you will read some of the LBH's threads, you will find something amazing. Know what it is? They all start out saying almost word for word what you've said. It is so hard to get them to understand detaching and to work at detaching b/c they keep talking about how they "can't do it". But THEN, two days of detaching and they are like.....WOW.....they've got it made! Of course, they haven't....but it is the difference in their feelings. We tried to tell them!
It's a process, Tiger. Nobody can make you detach and you can't do it overnight. However, it is about "attitude" and you can decide overnight to do it. Then carry it through. That is the only thing I have seen that works in standing a chance in getting the WAS drawn back to the LBS.
Take care and I'll talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, Thanks for all the advice.As someone who went thru this I'm sure you know a lot about it.I don't want things to end but I realize now that is a strong possibility.I am goig dark now.She gave up a good husband,a beautiful house,financial security,and half the time with the kids.Her choice.
Well going on almost a week and I have not contacted w.She'll probably contact me soon though because we have kids.I'm thinking about telling her when she calls to not bother calling anymore.I'm just going to tell her while she is in an r with om there's no need for us to talk.
well I'm working hard at detaching.Haven't called or texted w in a couple weeks.Actually I called today to discuss some joint debt.She says she is still considering not divorcing and just living apart and not dealing with each other anymore.She asked if she could take kids on vacation for a week with her sister.I asked where and she just said a friends vacation house.I know its the oms house when she said that the friend wont be there.Its still f***ing killing me.I feel like telling her no way.I dont know what to do.I spoke with her family last week when they stopped by my house.I didnt say anything about w.they started though by saying shes crazy and doesn't know what shes doing.I said thanks.I wonder sometimes if she does know what shes doing?
