A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[Deep]

Hi, thanks for your replies again.

Sandi, I was a bit taken aback at the strength of your reaction to my posts. No, I don't think I am a saint or squeaky clean, nor am I obssessed with looking that way. And frankly, if I felt I did stray, I'll just say it. Speaking for myself as a guy, it's easier to just say "yeah, W put me in pain and though it was wrong, I made a mistake and strayed" than "yeah, my W felt I was crap, fell hopelessly for another guy, and got so horny for him, she could only make love to me thinking of him". I wouldn't have been the first (even on this forum) to have fallen for that situation.

I'm not hung up on being the "good guy", just saying it as I feel it. I've already beaten myself up enough for my failings that led her to stray. As for meeting "OW", what I meant is I can't help but run across her when there's industry functions etc and we're both guests. That's out of my control.

GH: The similarities are scary eh, mate? And yes, I completely misread the "I want to have an affair" thing. I probably looked a fool (again) when I tried to explain why "OW" straying (with another guy) would just be bad for her.

I don't really want to think about the OD being a manipulation. I won't know how to handle it. I don't think I want to go through again sitting in the waiting room for hours panicking, "moderating" the truth that it was an accident she took so many pills, and the trauma after that.

While I feel also that the whole "it's in the past" is bull, she won't move from "I can't bear to watch your pain from what I did. Stop punishing me".

How did the A end? Well, that is the point - another thing that bugs me though I try not to let it do so. She told OM I found out - after I told her not to do so while I work out what I wanted to do (confront him?). He told her to try and handle it and not to worry, he would "make an arrangement" to take care of her if I walked. I was incensed then that they obviously talked about it when I had already told her to just STOP contact with him while I tried to regain my sanity for the next couple of days. She then wrote him an email, yes AN email, copied to me, saying:

1) "They" have decided to give their respective marriages "a go"
2) She loves me and has violated my trust
3) If she continues, she will not have the chance to keep her family together.
4) Not to text or email her any more. (what a joke - apparently it does not apply if it is for "work")

Maybe it's just me, but the email only infuriated me at that time - not quite what I needed. While they have kept in contact, she has declined my request for her to state things much more clearly. Her view is since she only contacts OM professionally, she does not want to mention the A at all, back to the "it's in the past" position.

Anyway, I started this thread because recently I feel a sense of detachment growing, I just feel mixed up and not at peace, at the same time thinking I am guilty of being ungrateful because I have W back ... right? Do I want the marriage, yes, do I love W, yes. But I just feel things slipping away. I don't even have the words for it. I look at W sometimes, even when she is being loving to me ... and I don't have words for exactly what I feel, but a tiny part of me even feels I'm kinda loving the wrong person? Crap, I don't even make sense to myself.

(and to be 100% clear about it, there is nothing remotely resembling a possible third party affecting me, "OW" and I don't even have contact now, and I don't see her as someone I have any romantic interest in even if I'm single now)

Edit: The "what if" part of my posts mainly refers to what if W had not freaked out over my contact with "OW", as platonic as they were.. It certainly shook her and right or wrong, it played some part in getting her really interested in the M again. Then again, so did the fact that friends were sending me contacts of lawyers to talk to.