This is moving along. H will be moving into his own place.
I must confess we had a long conversation last night and I mean loooong. And, so much was said, I can't even summarize accept to say that he is going. At the same time, he kept bringing up how it would be so embarrassing if he came back and I would never forgive him or would I be able to and my family and his friends etc. I addressed it pretty swiftly; basically anyone and everyone I know would like to see us get back together IF we could have a happy healthy marriage. There were too many questions and too much explored for me to think he is not wavering. But, he is still going.
My focus in the conversation was our current R and not us getting back together and I realize now that when we talk about what kind of R we want here on DB.com (as the LBS) it feels so absurd in the beginning. Me? Have demands? When I've been left behind? What's the point? But, I see in dealing with him all of these months apart that whether friendship or M or NC, I have needs. I was ashamed to post on here that I had that convo with H. But, you know what? It was good and the only reason I stayed on was because he was lucid and he was responsive and he was honest (relatively of course). His own depiction of himself was someone capable of self-delusion and his portrayal of himself was possibly sociopathic. Of course much of it also sounded like WAS admitting to the ways of WASness so I was not diagnosing.
What's the point of a convo like that? It helps so much. This is not an acute situation. His mentality, priorities and erratic, evasive and behavior have been issues for years. His blaming me has been unbearable for years. Recognizing this helps me to breathe and know that I am coping, that I am not responsible for all of this. And, that I want/need something different and I articulated that. Of course, I am going to have to create it for myself (can't rely on him) but it was still good to get him on board at least as a starting point.
Today, he was supercool, superdad...weird. He really has a wonderful side.
And, he is sobering about where he has been staying (he says it was something I said that made him think about it) and he does not want to take any money from his friend without working for it. He is still trying to impress me. Not sure if that is a good thing. I realize it may be helpful in getting through D but I don't know how healthy it is.
Anyway, the little things are tearing my heart a little. H going through boxes and preparing for his new place. It is tough stuff but no one said this wouldn't hurt.
