Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[confusedinpa]

I flipped it around by telling her that she's gotten everything she wanted and that she should figure out why she's so angry.

Stuck,

Back when I was talking to a DB coach, she had suggested something similar. When my wife would complain about how miserable/hurtful it was, using sarcasm to make her think about how ridiculous what she was saying sounded. For example, I told my wife, sarcastically, that I can't imagine how hurtful and miserable it must be to have a person who loves them try to show them they love them by buying them flowers (she had complained about how I had bought her flowers almost each week for 4 weeks straight). Maybe you can use some saracasm or humor (you had said that was one of your "things") the next time your wife complains.

I had read a response that a woman had written on a midlife crisis forum elsewhere that she was glad that even though she wanted to leave, her H told her "Whether you want to leave or stay is your decision, however I am asking you to stay." so she understood that ultimately it is her responsibility and decision to leave but the door was open for her to stay.

That's a great line! I'm going to add that in my arsenal to stop relationship talks!

Hang in there Stuck. The fight isn't over until you are buried in the ground!

[25yearsmlc]

Another line, from "My Cousin Vinny" after he was mad that his fiancee helped him win his first case (which he would have lost if she had not helped him win) he complained about how lousy it was that he didn't win it all himself and she had to help him out and blah blah blah and she said,
"OMG - WHAT A F&%$#*** NIGHTMARE FOR YOU!! (TO HAVE SOMEONE HELP YOU!!)
I always liked that one. So if she gets tired of the same old flowers you can do something different b/c I assume she's saying, "enough, be more original" etc BUT you can still quip about what an F- nightmare for HER to have to deal with all those Flowers and vases and water, and flowers and vases and water, and OMG!!

j-

[sandi2]

Stuck, when I read this post from you on another thread.....I was so proud of you I could have popped. I had already written out my reply to all that stuff being said, but you practically took my own words away from me....LOL. I'm not saying I won't relent and go ahead and send it. I'm not through reading all of that thread, but I had to stop when I came across this to tell you that you certainly have grown up right!!

Posted by Stuck:

It makes me chuckle when I see posts like this.

For some reason people believe that there's either the "DB" way which many believe is to literally out wait the spouse

Or gucci's way (dating, etc.)

DB is essentially just doing what works. You try something and then if that doesn't work, you try something else. Cheeseless tunnels. If being the nice guy doesn't work, then go out and date if it's your thing.

PLUS, DB says to GAL which is to go out and give your spouse space. Now whether or not your spouse perceives you to be dating someone, that's their thing. If you really are, then that's a personal choice.

There is NO perfect way that works for everyone. I know we all look for the magic bullet, but there is none.

For me, I choose not to "date" because it sets a bad example for my kids. Even if their mom doesn't behave right, doesn't mean I have to stoop to her level. I go out though and have a great time without her and enrich my life when I want to.

I just think that we have so much emotional baggage that going out and dating someone else is just dragging them along with us. You know, rebound relationships.

Besides, gucci has said that in his sitch there wasn't an OM (correct me if I was wrong). I've noticed that in most cases where there is another person, the WAS welcomes the LBS to have a relationship because it relieves their guilt.

Just my 2 cents.

I love it!

[MrBond]

Thanks sandi. I take that as an extreme compliment (blush).

I learned from the best.

Good luck reading that thread. It's getting pretty animated.

[sandi2]

Oh, shoot.......well, Puppy beat me to it. Between you and Pup, a girl just can't get a word in edgewise! But, hey, as long as 25 Years and I are on this board, we won't give up!! I will try to behave "if" others will let that subject of "dating" drop....but if not....I won't be responsible for my actions! Just warning ya now.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Posted by Stuck:
[quote]It makes me chuckle when I see posts like this.

For some reason people believe that there's either the "DB" way which many believe is to literally out wait the spouse

Or gucci's way (dating, etc.)

DB is essentially just doing what works. You try something and then if that doesn't work, you try something else. Cheeseless tunnels. If being the nice guy doesn't work, then go out and date if it's your thing.
. . .

I love it!

I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but this is NOT what Michele teaches.

As I just posted on that OTHER thread:


At the risk of adding even MORE controversy to this thread, I daresay I think it's a bit of a stretch to just say that MWD's teaching is that "try something, and if it works, great, if not, do something else." I keep seeing this -- or something very similar to it -- repeated over and over on the board, and it's a bit disingenuous.

Yes, that is ONE tactic she teaches, but it's just that -- a TACTIC -- not an overriding philosophy or even a strategy. DB/DR is pretty specifically in favor of the "wait it out" and "be their friend" and "don't do anything to push them away" approach.

In case we forget, check out this:

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While Your Spouse Decides
By Michele Weiner-Davis

Perhaps you are someone whose spouse is in the midst of an affair and it is making you crazy. You feel like giving up on your marriage. Worse yet, you feel like being hurtful. Don't do anything you will regret in the long run. You came to this website because you want to save your marriage. Remember that. You need to stay focused on your goal, even if it's hard. On rough days, refer to what David, a Divorce Busting® family member, taught us about how he won back his wife. He now lives ecstatically ever after.

Michele-

I decided, early in my separation, that my wife was my best friend....ever. I resolved to NEVER allow the separation to hinder my friendship with her. I acted, from the very beginning, as a friend. I helped her move out by moving all of her stuff downstairs to help her to save money with the moving people. I loaned her money to help her get her new place. More than anything, I stuck by her when her parents were in the hospital (during March, as you remembered) and supported her space, as a single woman (her stupid boyfriend actually got jealous about her spending so much time with her sick parents). I tried very hard to not allow my pain, over her choice to leave me, to be reflected in my face, mannerisms or with respect to how I treated her. I gave her space and respected her choice to enter into a relationship with someone else. I never said anything bad about her boyfriend and was always there when he couldn’t or wouldn’t be there. We did have one big argument, but even the bad feelings associated with that argument went away. I attribute this to our friendship. Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer...act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more. My wife's boyfriend began getting jealous towards the end of their relationship. He forbid her to see me (which, of course, didn't go over well at all with her). This guy was the one carrying on a romance with my wife, but he was jealous of our friendship. True, unconditional friendship is very powerful. I believe, if more people just concentrated on saving the friendship, in the true manner of a friend (along with making changes in themselves), most would have their lovers back in their arms so soon it would make them dizzy.

I still wonder about this...but I think my wife and I sort of made excuses to see each other under the guise of "family and business" matters. I think my wife really just wanted to have me near her as someone who wouldn’t pressure her into a "date" or sex or anything of that nature. Just someone to be nice to her, accept her and talk to her with no pressure. The way I figured, is that we had experienced the dating, sex and marriage relationship things. I sort of developed an attitude of "been there, done that". I challenged myself to be her truest and most devoted friend. The more I challenged myself and lived up to the challenge, the more inner power I gained.

Friendship........empathy, being there without criticism, being non-judgmental.....this is unconditional friendship.

Believe me, the decision to be a friend, against all odds, proved to be a major challenge. There were times when I truly thought of giving up, especially when the boyfriend arrived. Usually, I would come to this site and vent and request support and information. Michele, and the "family" here, never let me down.

Read More of Michele's Articles ShareThis

2009 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved.

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Agree or disagree with Gucci, but let's be clear: he IS advocating something very different, and most people feel it flat out WORKS, at least to some degree.

So let's call a spade a spade, shall we??

Puppy

[MrBond]

You should add your 2 cents in. I'm curious to see what your thoughts are to gucci's way of dating to get the WAS back.

I'm sure there were other things that he posted, but that seems to be the one that sticks out so far today.

[MrBond]

AAK,

I think you're right. She seemed to have gotten depressed especially after our second D was born, so I was thinking it might even have been post-partum depression. I told her that point blank last week when she started going off on me threatening to get a L.

She didn't say anything after that, but later that day, I gave her a big hug and she relaxed quite a bit. I think she really believes she can try solving everything herself in her head. Maybe I'll get some anti-depressents and crush them in her food. LOL.

What set her off about the L was that she had lunch with a guy friend whom she has like since Kindergarten last week. I asked her how was lunch, where did they go, what did she eat, etc. The normal stuff you would ask any one and she accused me of "grilling" her. I purposely worded everything to be sure that they wouldn't be perceived as grilling, so I was taken aback by her comment. In fact, she snapped it at me, then declared that I should get it by now that we are over, etc.

I admit that I was irked because I still saw her reaction as cheating and which is what she was doing earlier.

An ultimatum wouldn't work right now since she basically is ready to leave if I push to much.

[aliveandkicking]

I asked her how was lunch, where did they go, what did she eat, etc.

That would feel like grilling to me too under the circumstances...

Your motives are showing.

The only way she will know that you get how serious she is would be to mean it. I think that her mental health is a huge issue. Do you think she'll snap out of it? She could still have PPD. When you are ready to take a chance and have some movement, I would push the issue and frame it as for the benefit of her kids. They should not be stuck living with a depressed mother.

Seriously, if you have to D and compel her to get help, that may be what has to happen.

Again, I can't say for you, I am just working with what you've shared with us (see, the DB squabbles have made me gun-shy).

[sandi2]

Well, okay Puppy. I think I'll "try" to hush about that subject here on Stuck's thread, since we have it on the OTHER one. I think you and Stuck.....and I.....have the same POV about the issue. Maybe we said it differently and maybe I didn't catch something that you saw. I mainly wanted to tell Stuck how much I thought he has grown and that I was proud of what he had said and stood his ground. And I think it was 25 Years who said those famous words, "And that's all I'm going to say about that."....and then she kept talking. (cracked me up!)

You are a big bad dog, but you don't scare me!