How to treat her now....?

[Arwen_in_NJ]

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Have you gotten DR yet? I highly recommend that.

I wouldn't even have that meeting with her. We always advise no R talk, I don't think anything productive will come out of that while she's in an active A, and likely will be extremely tough on you. [/quote]

Speed read DR in the bookstore this evening. The only chapters appropriate to sitch as it stands (since she is not home to interact with) were 180 and "the Last Resort". Most of what Michelle recommends I have been doing, although with a little backsliding :-(

In the beginning, when I first found out, I did the typical hysterical crying & "how could you do this to me"? That lasted a few hours the first day, but she was already back in IL so did not see most of it. When I thought she was home to try R in Feb., I tried to reason with her & point out all that we had that was good, how much I had changed (now that I knew what she wanted), how much I would do to salvage relationship. She wasn't interested. Did 3 weeks of mostly NC when she went back to IL, although every time we spoke, it was because she called me, and she would say "you can call me, you know". We communicated mostly by text or e-mail, as I did not want to call her when she might be with OW.

I have never ranted or raved. I have remained calm and collected. I have tried to reason with her once or twice- let her know I thought our marriage was salvageable, we could get through this & be stronger on the other side, I could forgive her, I understood why the A happened (loneliness, anger at me, Mid-life crisis), etc. Our interactions have for the most part been friendly, but cool. It seems every time we have an evening where we are comfortable and it might feel like "old times", she would get uncomfortable (guilty? ambivalent?) and arrange not to be home the next few evenings when I was home. Now she has the "love nest" across the lake, and isn't coming home at all, except during the day when I am at work. She isn't been willing to give up the A, which of course is the non-negotiable point before trying R. And now she is thinking of rotating my "replacement" into my place in the house...

The talk is NOT about R- it is about the logistics of officially separating. I'm sure she saw a lawyer, and the atty opened her eyes to how much this could cost her if it got nasty, and advised her to try to work out an agreement with me. She's not going to be happy that I am going to refuse to move out of the house....