Well - we had a talk 48 hours ago and almost went separate ways. During last 48 hours I basically dismantled myself and put together again. My impression is that I never lost my self esteem - I just let it hide. I was content and was taking her for granted (which I know now is the biggest mistake one can ever make), at the same time criticizing a lot. A bit of split personality I guess. Post about co-dependence made me look up the term and I guess it would perfectly match me 72 hours ago.
Healing is a process I guess - it doesn't happen in 1 hour. It won't be easy - I won't always feel as good as right now, and I'll have my doubts. But basically - I have not much to loose and quite a lot to gain.
When I talked my wife down - she never fought back. She felt guilty - she brought me to Canada / promised I'd have work soon and she'll take care of everything. So she cried when I slept. Never told me that, actually admitted 2-3 weeks ago. I never dished out - I'm a rather calm person but I was hurting her without even rising my voice.
So I guess it's payback time in some way. Life's often quite complicated.
As I've mentioned - I stopped pursuing her. No calls / emails for the last 48 hours. She noticed it. I was pretty shocked today when I came back home from the office and she hugged me and said 'I missed you'. We went shopping together... she said she's glad that I'm giving her space and time. That I don't think that it can be fixed overnight.
I understand that to make my W happy - I need to be at peace and happy with myself. And I told her that - she agreed that it's a good approach. She also mentioned that when one sees the other person so 'glowing' he/she may feel more attracted to that. Guess I was lacking it. I'm pretty self aware in many matters - just need a good shake sometimes.
I'm focusing more on myself now. getting back in shape, taking up my abandoned hobbies. doing something for Me.
ps. sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes - I'm here for 2 years and English is not my main language.
I was content and was taking her for granted (which I know now is the biggest mistake one can ever make), at the same time criticizing a lot. A bit of split personality I guess. Post about co-dependence made me look up the term and I guess it would perfectly match me 72 hours ago.
Healing is a process I guess - it doesn't happen in 1 hour. It won't be easy - I won't always feel as good as right now, and I'll have my doubts.
Dude, you don't solve co-dependency in 72 hours. I've been working at it for FIVE YEARS, and I'm STILL only probably 60-70% of the way there. It's a long, hard process.
This isn't about the DIAGNOSIS; it's about the PROCESS of making you a better and stronger LostOne. One that will either be more attractive to your wife, and will be confident enough to lay out some healthy boundaries, or else one that will be confident and healthy enough to pursue another relationship that will be more fulfilling for you in the future.
Dude, you don't solve co-dependency in 72 hours. I've been working at it for FIVE YEARS, and I'm STILL only probably 60-70% of the way there. It's a long, hard process.
I'm not saying you can solve them quickly. I simply know what was wrong and what direction I should take now.
Well.......what's done is done. You've talked to your W and told her all these things. Maybe it cleared the air.....I hope so. I think it would be good not to continue to discuss what you plan to do about your improvements toward breaking your co-dependency, etc. Your W simply needs to "see" you do it. As Puppy said, it is a very hard issue to over-come. I think it would be well for you to look this up on the Internet and study what it includes and how to deal with it.
You have mention, more than once, about acting as if you have a "slit-personality". Is that a figure of speech? Do you find it hard to maintain the same "personality" or level of emotions each day? You may be bipolar. I have seen signs of it in your posts, but of course, I am not a doctor and only going by your extreme up & down emotions. We see emotions here on the board all the time, but I don't know that I see a lot of men who have been this dramatic from one place to the other in a matter of a few hours. I noticed it in the post you replied to me. I thought I had said something that made you spunk up and come back with a stronger sound.
Has anyone ever said anything about your exteme up & down emotions? It is not anything to be ashamed of b/c it is some type of chemical imbalance that a person can't control and has to take medication to keep their emotions on an even keel. If you were serious when you said what you did, then I wished you would get checked out by a doctor who tests in these special areas. I have known people who actually suffer after having this for so many years.....and after they begin taking their meds, they feel normal and their families can deal with their extreme mood swings a lot better. It is hidden behind words like "mood swings", "split personalities", "an off day", "a great day"....etc. Everything is centered around their feelings of that day...or hour.
So, back to what has happen in the past few hours. I man not spell so good myslef b/c I am about to fall asleep. I remember to come back to your thread to check it out. So, do you feel that your wife walked away from the conversation feeling better about the MR? See what just what detaching for 48 hours did? She was happy to see you!
During the conversation the two of you had, did she say if she would stop having affairs? Did she say if it was to pay you back, or was it discussed?
Okay, help me out. You said you talked to wife 48 hours ago, and you also said:
Quote:
During last 48 hours I basically dismantled myself and put together again.
It sounds like you did a lot of soul searching during this time. Were you alone "after" the talk with her or was she with you while you were doing this self examination?
Quote:
it doesn't happen in 1 hour. It won't be easy - I won't always feel as good as right now,
So, what's the reason for your emotional high today?
I'm sorry.....I've go to stop again. I should have waiting until tomorrow but i wanted to check back with you. I will get back but must go to bed now.
Later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
split-personality is more a figure of speech in this case - you need to understand I'm on a little bit of a emotional roller-coaster with things going around me recently.
development of things since my last post is a bit surprising but I was getting mentally ready for it.
earlier I said she admitted PA with OMs in past 6 months. it's all lie as well. Things that happened last weekend just confirmed it. She was planning 'girls nights out' for a week with a bunch of her friends. So I and a couple of friends decided to go to see UFC100 on Saturday. I already confronted her about 1 guy (a friend of hers and mine) during last 2 weeks (I didn't have any hard proof but I had a feeling...) and she denied all the time. 'It's just our friend, he's a good guy etc etc. He was supposed to join us on Sat evening but all of a sudden disappeared. Can't say it wasn't suspicious for me.
My wife texted me 2-3 times during the evening about her party - last was at 3:30am that she'll sleep at her girl friends place. She came back home at 2pm on Sunday, talked about the party, mentioned I didn't look for her at all (I'm detaching, remember - so I didn't even try to contact her). She than hugged me really close and started kissing me. We had a nice day together and evening grill with friends (OM I was suspecting came there as well) - we had a chat about why he wasn't with us on Saturday UFC100. He lied.
I have access to one my wife's business e-mails. She doesn't know about it. I opened it today and found pictures from that party she went to sent by her girl friend. Guess what - she's there posing and hugging with the guy I was suspecting. Guess she wasn't sleeping at the girlfriend's place as well.
Lets get it straight - I love my wife. I want to save the marriage whatever it takes. I'm stronger than I used to be, GALing works. But doubts/questions are still pounding me from left and right. I'm keeping my head up but still I am a bit shocked as you can imagine. What should I do now?
Judging by her sudden change in the recent time PA/EA lasts 3-6 weeks.
I've forgotten to mention one thing - I have no 'my' friends here, I'm new to the country.
so.... what to do? disclose? sit calm? go to the doc and get some pills to level the emo rollercoaster a bit? get him to direct me to some IC?
do I let the little weasel know that I know? he lied to me a week ago when we went camping. he knew I'm suspecting him - so he came to me 1st and gave me a talk that she's my wife and he is not going to interrupt things. that he's a friend of ours. but gave me a 'friendly' advice to give it up cause 'if a woman doesn't love you - it makes no sense'. blah blah. &$%^#@.
scary thing - her mother is a pastor. She's like a mother to me now too... I talked with her about our problems 1,5 weeks ago. I never mentioned the particular OM. Yet she said 'I had a dream, watch out for THIS guy'. I know she kept our talk to herself. Said she'll be praying for us. Parents are gone for another 2 weeks - european vacations. do I let her know?
It seems as if she is showing disrespect to you with her going out and rubbing herself up against other men and then come home to have her "needs" filled by you. What do you think you could say to her that would make her see that? You would have to have strength to push her affection away. Don't you see that as "cake eating" when you know what she's been doing and then think she can go home and give you a little kiss & hug and it will keep you off her back?
I would tell your W to stay away from OM. She'll want to know why so tell her that he is a liar and he can't be trusted. Then she will want to know why you say that, so you can either be prepared to show her the pictures and have her explain herself or you can tell her you have "your souces" and are not prepared at this time to reveal them, but if she doesn't stay away then you will know......and will be prepared to reveal it to her. At that time, she better be prepared to answer for a lot of things.
You need to decide what you are going to do as a H. Are you going to continue to endure this treatment she's giving you and are you going to continue to put up with her going to the bar scenes and leaving you sit at home? As long as she knows she can get away with giving you a little affection and you'll be satisfied.....then why would she change? You have a lot to think about, but you better know "exactly" what it is you want before you approach her about the OM or about how she's living.
She is still in rebellion to her upbringing in a Pastor's home. I would suspect that she hates the fact that her mother & you get along well. It makes your W feel like an outsider. I am not suggesting you not like your MIL just b/c of that.....but I do suggest you not mention anything about your MIL to your W. Don't say anything about what she mentioned about the OM! Better to leave her parents out of any and all conversations. She will rebel toward you as a way of pulling you into the realm with her parents.
She is immature and has a lot of growing up to do.....and much to learn about life.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i'm just starting to see that I'm not the one that screwed up that bad. she's just looking for an excuse.
i told her once that the worst thing she can do to me is betray me. yet she sits on the couch 10 meters away... and talks to me as if nothing happened. at the same time - even though she promised she'll try to get close to me - I can't see her doing anything towards it.
maybe I should just keep quiet - at this point of her A... she doesn't even seem to be thinking clearly. Maybe I'll just look for the apartment to rent and one day (soon) just move away. Without telling her that I know she she lies. I've already dropped the shield once. I begged, I tried to pull her towards me. GALing is fine. Stitching... when you know someone constantly stabs you in the back... is just barely possible.
