I was married for 12 years, and my wife told me that she wanted out on March 19.
I’ve never been into self-help books or online communities, but I am pretty desperate for some additional help, despite the fact that I am regularly seeing a psychologist and taking anti-depressants.
In the first month after my wife said that she wanted out, we saw each other about twice a week, and I had some hope that we could reconcile. Since then, she has said that she wants to split up our assets, she has said that she wants to move on, she says that, even though I’m trying to get us back together, it won’t do any good, and she feels better when she just does not have to deal with me. I have tried to remain friendly and to be upbeat and not harass her. I’ve limited my contact with her to about one phone call a week in the past two months.
I’m trying to follow the advice in Divorce Remedy and to suppress “pursuing” behaviors. Given how desperate I was when we first broke up, I thought that this would be 180. However, I feel like I am working in a vacuum. I find it very hard to maintain distance and to not communicate. I can’t stand this sensation of being totally out of control, not knowing what she is thinking, not communicating, and feeling like my life has gone down the drain. I am very frustrated and tormented by the fact that I cannot reach my wife on an emotional level any more. She seems so cold, detached, and distant.
I am trying to be strong and do new things and meet new people. I’m trying to read, perform cognitive therapy, and tell myself that it is still early, but nothing seems to be working. I get zero response or interest of any kind.
I want to call my wife today and talk to her, keep it light, and try to establish a positive tone, but the reading indicates that this type of move may just push her away. I am very confused. I’ve made up some solution oriented objectives, but it’s a Catch-22. If I don’t talk to her somehow, how do I know if anything is working?
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
You don't. You have to trust the book's teachings. I know, it's the most counterintuitive thing you've probably ever done, but you HAVE to detach. You can't keep "temperature-checking" the relationship.
Is there another man in the picture? She sure sounds wayward to me.
To Stuck 808: M 58 W 52 2nd marriage for both Together 12 years
To Puppy: No evidence of any other man.
To Both: She is going through menopause. She had business as a dance teacher that went belly up. Her father is getting senile, and her mom fought through breast cancer. I've been battling depression. All of this since 2007.
She has always been highly emotional. I'm not the most touchy-feely guy in the world. She says that I didn't respect her or value her. I think that I tried very hard to get along with her and please her. I provided moral and financial support to her so that she could pursue her interests, and I tried to protect her when things did not work out in a lot of dead end jobs that she had.
I thought that we had a lot of values in common.
Since last summer, I knew that we were growing distant. I suggested couples counselling. We did about 10 sessions. I wanted her to get individual counseling because she said that she was depressed. She did four sessions and quit.
I'm living alone in an apartment because she said that she could not live with anyone and she wanted a divorce. Rather than inconveniencing her, I offered to move out in the hope that she would take my willingness to give her some space as a sign that I wanted to provide her with the support that she requested, and I hoped that it would warm her up to a reconciliation.
Now, we are into lawyers and separation proposals, and I don't want any part of the legal finality.
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
You have (given) no information to expect an affair, so please don't worry about that at this point.
Right now...detaching...as puppy suggests, will help you to work on the things you need to work on ... to heal yourself....And that is so important.
We're here to help you detect solutions and to offer support. Most importantly, is taking care of your depression, though.... I don't know which came first...your depression or her leaving...and I don't know lots of things about your situation, like your wife's complaints....
This knowledge is important before you take any advice from anyone here. The only thing you can be sure of right now .... is the more you openly do to actively try to save the relationship is most likely to push her away. So console yourself that turning inward and healing yourself is the BEST chance you have at working on your marriage.
We often feel we have to have these things in place to be happy. But already being happy really makes a marriage start out more smoothly.
I know it is really hard. We're here for you.
I don't want you to think about an affair for her....but other than that...Puppy is an amazing man and gives great advice...he is a leader on the board.
Keeping you in my prayers, sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
If you meet them it's working, if not, modify, and watch closely.
Sounds simple...it is. But it doesn't FEEL that way to begin with.
It often takes a bit to set goals:....honey...and let's not even worry about that right now.
Here's your INITIAL GOAL..... to stop her rejection.
What does that look like? How will you know?
How do you know she's rejecting you now?
What is SHE saying, what is SHE doing? (thigns like 'leave me alone' or 'don't call me' or.... is she just giving you cold body language?.....be specific.)
When you DON'T get that reaction....you're making progress.
That is NOT NORMAL DB. We usually state goals positively.
We just won't worry about that right now.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I'm living alone in an apartment because she said that she could not live with anyone and she wanted a divorce. Rather than inconveniencing her, I offered to move out in the hope that she would take my willingness to give her some space as a sign that I wanted to provide her with the support that she requested, and I hoped that it would warm her up to a reconciliation.
Now, we are into lawyers and separation proposals, and I don't want any part of the legal finality.
Ugh. Had you been posting back then, everyone would have told you NOT to move out. It rarely, if ever, works to score you points, and if anything it loses you respect.
I agree with SG that the depression is probably what you should focus on right now, plus DETACHING COMPLETELY. It's not easy, but it can certainly be done. The other thing I would suggest is to resist your urge to RESCUE her -- that seems to be a history with you.
You're at the right place. My situation (very similar to yours) has not changed a heck of a lot since I got here six weeks ago, but I have changed a lot by way of peace of mind, clarity, dignity, etc. Prepare to give it all a lot of time and effort.
I feel you should concentrate on the Last Resort Techniques and take to heart the words you'll see often on this board: it's a marathon, not a sprint. You'll "know" Last Resort, don't pursue, and Dbing in general work, when you begin to feel the difference these stances and actions make in you.
Puppy Dog does offer great advice as sg said; and sg's words of wisdom are worth their weight in gold (to me).
Use your posts to provide more info, provide updates, to journal, vent and p!ss 'n moan. Read others' posts, especially those in similar situations, those whose advice resonates with you and check out Quotes from Divorce Busting (II) near the top of this Newcomers forum.
Talk to you soon.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Sgctxok: Maybe I’m being too naïve and trusting, but my wife said that she simply did not want to live with anyone at this point in her life. She told me flat out that she was not having an affair, and I tend to believe her. I do not think that the break up was about sex. We had a very good sex life, but she has withdrawn recently due to the menopause and a condition that causes dryness (so sex became somewhat uncomfortable for her). Even if she was having an affair, I think that I could cope with it because it would, at least, be comprehensible to me. I guess it does not matter, at this point, why she wanted out. The bottom line is that she wanted out. So, I’m off in my own little world, and she’s in her little world. The thing that is driving me crazy is that, in terms of trying to effect a reconciliation, I feel like that old question about “When a tree falls in a forest and there is nobody around, does it make any noise?” I’m really trying to work on my personal well-being. However, in terms of communication with her, there is really none. How she supposed to be aware of what I am doing if I do not communicate with her at all? How do I get a reaction to read if I do not interact with her?
Puppy Dog: I kick myself for leaving. I was trying to please her and to give her space. I wish that I had just stayed in the house. I went back there a couple of weeks after the break up, and she had removed all of the pictures of me and the kids from my first marriage from the walls.
Gardener: I’ve come a long way in the last four months, but you’re right about taking care of one’s self.
All: The depression has been an issue for me since I went through a break up of my first marriage in 1990. I’ve been battling with it off and on ever since. It became more pronounced two years ago. I think that my depression coincided with her menopause and her depression, business failure, family issues, and awareness of aging to create the perfect storm- two people miserable about their own lives, who did not have a lot left for each other.
In a little while, I am going to get off this computer, take a shower, and go out to listen to some music. I’ve joined an outdoor social club, and I’ve done some activities. So, I’m trying to get out of my shell and be with other folks. It helps, but it feels like I’m on a perpetual job interview. I guess I miss the comfort level of my old routine with my wife.
Thanks for your responses. I’m sure we’ll be messaging more.
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
Many of the things your W has told you are very similar to my sitch. Our sitch's are pretty close. You might want to drop by my 1st thread (see below). Early on, it made me feel better to see that my sitch was not unique (I thought for sure it was). There is comfort in knowing that and knowing that very knowledgable people (like puppy, sandi, coach, greek and many others) have seen that sitch many times before.
