Posted by Stuck: [quote]It makes me chuckle when I see posts like this.
For some reason people believe that there's either the "DB" way which many believe is to literally out wait the spouse
Or gucci's way (dating, etc.)
DB is essentially just doing what works. You try something and then if that doesn't work, you try something else. Cheeseless tunnels. If being the nice guy doesn't work, then go out and date if it's your thing. . . .
I love it!
I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but this is NOT what Michele teaches.
As I just posted on that OTHER thread:
At the risk of adding even MORE controversy to this thread, I daresay I think it's a bit of a stretch to just say that MWD's teaching is that "try something, and if it works, great, if not, do something else." I keep seeing this -- or something very similar to it -- repeated over and over on the board, and it's a bit disingenuous.
Yes, that is ONE tactic she teaches, but it's just that -- a TACTIC -- not an overriding philosophy or even a strategy. DB/DR is pretty specifically in favor of the "wait it out" and "be their friend" and "don't do anything to push them away" approach.
In case we forget, check out this:
-------------------------------- While Your Spouse Decides By Michele Weiner-Davis
Perhaps you are someone whose spouse is in the midst of an affair and it is making you crazy. You feel like giving up on your marriage. Worse yet, you feel like being hurtful. Don't do anything you will regret in the long run. You came to this website because you want to save your marriage. Remember that. You need to stay focused on your goal, even if it's hard. On rough days, refer to what David, a Divorce Busting® family member, taught us about how he won back his wife. He now lives ecstatically ever after.
Michele-
I decided, early in my separation, that my wife was my best friend....ever. I resolved to NEVER allow the separation to hinder my friendship with her. I acted, from the very beginning, as a friend. I helped her move out by moving all of her stuff downstairs to help her to save money with the moving people. I loaned her money to help her get her new place. More than anything, I stuck by her when her parents were in the hospital (during March, as you remembered) and supported her space, as a single woman (her stupid boyfriend actually got jealous about her spending so much time with her sick parents). I tried very hard to not allow my pain, over her choice to leave me, to be reflected in my face, mannerisms or with respect to how I treated her. I gave her space and respected her choice to enter into a relationship with someone else. I never said anything bad about her boyfriend and was always there when he couldn’t or wouldn’t be there. We did have one big argument, but even the bad feelings associated with that argument went away. I attribute this to our friendship. Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer...act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more. My wife's boyfriend began getting jealous towards the end of their relationship. He forbid her to see me (which, of course, didn't go over well at all with her). This guy was the one carrying on a romance with my wife, but he was jealous of our friendship. True, unconditional friendship is very powerful. I believe, if more people just concentrated on saving the friendship, in the true manner of a friend (along with making changes in themselves), most would have their lovers back in their arms so soon it would make them dizzy.
I still wonder about this...but I think my wife and I sort of made excuses to see each other under the guise of "family and business" matters. I think my wife really just wanted to have me near her as someone who wouldn’t pressure her into a "date" or sex or anything of that nature. Just someone to be nice to her, accept her and talk to her with no pressure. The way I figured, is that we had experienced the dating, sex and marriage relationship things. I sort of developed an attitude of "been there, done that". I challenged myself to be her truest and most devoted friend. The more I challenged myself and lived up to the challenge, the more inner power I gained.
Friendship........empathy, being there without criticism, being non-judgmental.....this is unconditional friendship.
Believe me, the decision to be a friend, against all odds, proved to be a major challenge. There were times when I truly thought of giving up, especially when the boyfriend arrived. Usually, I would come to this site and vent and request support and information. Michele, and the "family" here, never let me down.
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Agree or disagree with Gucci, but let's be clear: he IS advocating something very different, and most people feel it flat out WORKS, at least to some degree.
