Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think it would just put your son in an awkward position. Just talk to HIM, and tell him something like "I don't hate her -- I don't hate anyone -- we've just never been close, and I disagree with the way she does thus-and-such" (or whatever).

Ashlee, as morally right as your position is, you need to resign yourself right now to the fact that you're NOT going to have everyone on your side. If you have even SOME of his family on your side, you're ahead of the game. I know people that get ostracized by EVERYBODY, and yet they STILL do the right thing, for themselves and for their kids. You sound like you have some support, which is gravy.

You're doing the right thing. As I like to say, you are doing the thing that God Himself would have you do, if He were standing right in front of you.

Puppy

[Faith2010]

Ashlee, as morally right as your position is, you need to resign yourself right now to the fact that you're NOT going to have everyone on your side. If you have even SOME of his family on your side, you're ahead of the game. I know people that get ostracized by EVERYBODY, and yet they STILL do the right thing, for themselves and for their kids. You sound like you have some support, which is gravy.

As usual Puppy, you hit the nail on the head. I do realize I won't have everyone's support. I knew this SIL would protect and defend H no matter what. It just shocked me that she went to my S.

Tell you what, I am getting sick and tired of all this crying. You'd think I wouldn't have any tears left after the past week. The thing that makes me the saddest is the man I've turned to for the past 17 years, who has been my best friend, is no where to be found. He has no compassion for me and has no idea of the torment inside of me. I miss him. I miss us. This pain is unbearable at times.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I can hear your pain, Ashlee, and I'm very sorry for it.

Try to think of your husband as an ADDICT -- it helps. Because he IS addicted at this point, and NOT himself. It doesn't excuse his initial -- or even ongoing -- choices, but it does help explain them.

Puppy

[givingitmyall]

Hey Ash,

Just caught up on your thread. As always, you are in great hands with Puppy.

I'm sorry your H is behaving like a juvenile. But, it is what it is, right now at least.

Sounds like you are handling it wonderfully.

He has no compassion for me and has no idea of the torment inside of me. I miss him. I miss us. This pain is unbearable at times.

Yeah, I know b/c I feel that way about my W. The pain gets easier to handle. It really does. You know the drill - work on what you can control and let God work the rest out.

Hang in there. You are doing great.

[sandi2]

Hi Ashlee,

My name is Sandi and I am late in welcoming you to the DB community, but I'm so glad you have come. In reading your thread, I find that your H and I had something in common. I also was addicted to an EA with OM I met over the Internet. I have said that sentence dozens of times, and I still shudder at that memory of what I did. I continue to tell people on this board what I did b/c I do not want to pretend it didn't happen or that I was pushed into doing what I did b/c of a bad M or b/c of anything my H did or didn't do. I accept full responsibility for my actions. The regret.....well.....there will "always" be regret, but I hope and pray that I might in some way be able to help somebody else. Forgiveness? I am so blessed to have the H that I do who "can"....and "has" forgiven me. I have a family who loves me and although I tried to live up to a certain "image" of one who was so......"religious" (but I don't like that word).......they understand that above all, I am human with many faults. In spite of that, they still love me.

So, since I am behind in your thread, I will start at the beginning to catch up and this first post (okay...others too) will be long. I hope you have time.

H says sorry, won't happen again.

That was too quick and simple. He knew he wouldn't stop b/c he was already too far gone. He was addicted whether he would admit it or not. This apology he made to you only made him decide to become more sneaky in his R in the EA, as you discovered when he changed password and got new phone.

H wakes me up in the middle of the night to have sex. It's also occurred a few more times. I've asked why he wants to and get answers such as "cause we've always had good sex" or "it's fun". I am thinking it is a positive thing but I honestly don't know. Any advice please?

Well, I hate to lay it on the line so bluntly, but he wasn't thinking of "you" when he woke you up in the middle of the night for sex. He was actually very, very disrespectful to you b/c he was substituting your body for the one he wanted. The two of you had gone 10 months w/o sex and he suddenly wakes up from sleeping and expects you to give him some? He couldn't even give you a decent reply to your question! In fact, his "answer" made it even more obvious!

Today he actually asked if it would change things if he 'met' her. (OW lives 1500 miles away)

Wow, he really is out of his mind. Would it change things? Is he kidding?

How on earth I am going to last months or even years like this?

If you are referring to his A with this OW, I doubt seriously if that continues for years, but his "problem" may if he doesn't deal with it. If he doesn't "learn" a valuable lesson from this ordeal, he is likely to be addicted to A's.

Hard to hear about each time H is talking to OW.

What do you say to him when he tells you he's been talking to OW?

I have been keeping my distance. I do not nag, do not complain, do not ask things of H. I think it may be making a difference until he makes some snide comment like "this is the last time we will be eating here together" or like asking if I traded in the car. Is he seeing how far he can push me? God, this is confusing.

I know it is. It must be so hard to see through the terrible pain and be able to think clearly. But, that is one reason we are here for you. It's best to not talk to family & friends as much as you come here and tell us b/c your loved one will side with you and won't be as unbiased. We will support you and tell you what you are doing wrong and what you need to do. For an example; don't continue to tell your H that you have "hope" for the M. I know it doesn't make sense to you, but it actually pushes a WAS farther away. Don't say anything in regards to him still being in the M or not being in the M. Try to work the sentences around that so you don't refer to the status of the R.

Or should I not even ask those questions and wait until he says something? How do I respond if he says he drank? He'll know I'm lying if I act okay with it.

If your "deal breaker" is the drinking issue.....then stick to it. Nobody can tell you what your deal breakers are. That is your decision. Frankly, I could not be a W to an alcoholic. But this is "your" life. I do see where he is constantly baiting you and he knows this is a touchy area. I would not pretend it was okay when it's been established that it isn't "okay" at all. However, he is looking for you to have a fit about it, and he may be setting you up. Don't have a fit. Remain calm and see where this leads. In the meantime, if you discover that he truly is drinking again, then I think you better stand your ground and not offer empty threats. This was what you decided "before" you knew about OW, so you must have thought that if he backslid you would "were done".

OW is on facebook and I could send her a message, letting her know about this website and the books etc... But that's a bad idea, right?

OMG! Yes, it is a horrible idea. She would expose you to the world! The precious thing about this board is the privacy to our real names & identity. Do you want her telling everyone on "her" FB to checkout the DB board to see what you have written? Besides, she doesn't want help with her M. Please! Even if she did (which she doesn't) YOU are not the one to take the job of offering advice to where she can go for help. Stay away from her. NEVER, EVER contact her!! Also, I would suggest you delete any history on your computer so this site is not discovered. It has happened in M's before, and some have had to stop posting b/c of the reaction by their S. This is your private business and it's for your eyes only.

Did you clean the house last night?" I said yes. H mumbled something to the effect of thanks, looks good.

Don't expect any compliments or encouragement from him what-so-ever. He only has one person on his mind. That is why he's not taking care of his R with his kids. He's not thinking about them or you. His mind is strickly focused on OW. You cannot be a dad to your kids and you cannot nag H about being a dad. He has to make that move, and it must be without you nagging him. It would be a very negative act for you to continue b/c it "will" affect your MR. That is one of those many things LBS have to suffer.....seeing how the kids are hurt by the WAS.

My thinking was if she would work on her M, she'd leave my H alone. But that won't change what he's doing...he'd just find someone else.

Sorry to say that you are so right. You can't "fix" him, as much as you want to. You can't even fix this problem......not in the way most LBS think about fixing what's broken.

H does know about this. I had told H about it last Sunday morning when he wanted to know why I was so calm and not 'interrogating' him again. I also have the DR book from the library. It sits on my nightstand when it's not in my hand. Am I supposed to be hiding it?

I kind of freaked when I read this. But then I saw others give advice and what's done is done. Even if you got a different password, he could come here to read what you've posted. It's open to the public. I suppose it will depend on how "interested" he is in what you have to say about him.

This morning H is on his laptop and says to me "I'm not going through a midlife crisis."

So see? He has been reading the board and what you've posted.

After I read it, I did not say a thing and walked away. H did not say anything either. It describes him perfectly. After that, he turned off his computer and is currently lying in bed. Is this a positive step or am I reading into it?

No, it's not positive. Not the way you are thinking "positive" b/c his mind will not accept the information just given (IMHO). It will not change his status. Stop trying to show him these things.

You need to learn to say the following: (I just learned myself)

"I am sorry you feel that way"

But only if you really are sorry he feels that way.

Another positive sign is H must not have talked to OW in front of S today because I did not get a call today informing me "Dad's on the phone with Alisha again!"

How long has S known about OW? How did he find out?

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night. H wanted to snuggle, which I don't understand and didn't do. H also wanted to ML, which didn't happen. Each time I don't do what he wants, he gets in one of his moods.

Some H's try to control the sex life (and other area's in the M) with a "mood" and I think the W should be offended by that. Of course, it can work the other way around with the sexes....but since you're the W here, that's how we'll approach it. He treats you like cr@p, then thinks you should roll over and have sex? Men! They never think or feel like we women do toward sex.....or anything else!

H even asked me earlier today if I was going to start dating.

Expect "anything" from him. Always be prepared for the worst.

I take it that your parents know what your H is doing?

Okay, well I responded to some things that might be a few weeks old, but I believe it still applies to your stitch as it is now. I will read the thread you have open presently.

Sandi

[sandi2]

We've also gone back and forth on where to stay. H seems concerned if we stay at parents, S will have to sleep on the floor in our room and we won't be able to have sex.

WHAT???

(H appears obsessed with having sex)

Well, yeah.....but you do know why, right?

H even asked me on the phone tonight to come to his work (now) to have sex.

This man is deranged! Has he ever made a request for you to go to his work place to give him sex before all this EA/OW mess?

I really don't understand what H's obsession with sex is right now.

You don't???

After hearing what SIL said to H, I am ticked and very upset. I want to approach SIL (after the funeral) but I don't know if I should even bother. To be quite honest, I don't even know how I am going to handle seeing her.

It will probably all be over by the time you read this, however, in the future, do not get into it with SIL or any of his family. His "family" will win out every time! Is this his brother's wife or his sister? She is not good company and she will continue to cause a huge rift between you and H......count on it. Unless "he" decides to wake up to how she works (and men seldom understand the "working" of a female like "we" know what females are capable of doing) and your H puts her in her place. I don't think he will, so you can add SIL to your long list of problems. She "is" your enemy and better treat it as such.

As I said, the funeral, etc., will all be over, but where you are worried about what to say to his relative, friends, etc., let that be "his" problem. He was the one that got the M into this stitch, so he can answer their questions. If they ask you an uncomfortable question you do not know how to answer.....tell them they will have to ask your H. If it is something about travel and why you & son came separately.....just say it is complicated and change the subject. It's really none of anybody's business.

When there is a death in a family, it makes "everyone's"
emotions very raw. Be careful.

I plan on trying to call her again as I think she needs to know she is destroying a family and the effect her relationship with H is having on our child

Oh Ashlee! Honey, that b*tch KNOWS she is destroying a family! Do you think she gives a care? Don't be the patheic "wifey" who is whinning to the OW, for God's sake have some self respect!

H wanted me to think I had a chance on saving our M but because I tried to call her, I blew it.

"When" did he make you think there was a chance on saving the M? Wake up, Ashlee. You are losing yourself.

Am I really suppose to just ignore the A and pretend it's not happening?

Where did you get the idea you are to ignore the A and pretend it's not happening???? No, you don't do that. But neither do you try to force things to happen in order to "make" your H return to the M.......like calling the OW and thinking she actually has any guilt over what she's doing! If you contact OW, it will push the two of them together, IMHO. Your H will try to protect her and he certainly will not want to run home to you! Think about this. You are acting like a desparate housewife, and it's not one bit attractive!

I told him I was not leaving the house. H said he'll leave. I said that is fine. I said he still has financial responsibilities as everything is in both of our names. H acknowledged that fact.

Well, good for you!! You had me worried, sweetie!

When S mentioned his father was talking to OW, the aunt acknowledged it was wrong but also seemed to defend H. The aunt also told S that I hate her

I'm not surprised. Honey, I've had a lot of in-law trouble over the years and I can tell you that there will ALWAYS be an aunt or "somebody" in your H's corner. It is as natural as their blood that runs through their veins. You may worry that she influenced your S who is only 14. I certainly understand where you are coming from. I have had to deal with a taste of stuff like that (just not from your particular angle) and it is never good. You must trust the way you have raised your S and trust his good judgment in you. Yes, it's hard and it hurts. You will grow like you've never grown before. I want you to remember what I've said. In the near future you will look back and say, "Sandi was right. I have grown as a person and I'm stronger than I've ever been." You know how I can say that? Experience, sweetheart. And when I say "honey & sweetie" and pet names like that......it is b/c I am older than you and my heart bleeds for what you are going through (it is not meant in a "degrading" sense, at all). I have not had a WAH, but I have experience other things in life, and you know what I discovered? It is the really hard places in life's road that will either cause us to crumble or we will "grow" from it. Regardless of the outcome of this MR, you will walk with your head held high b/c of "who" you have become, okay? Will you remember that? You are going through a living nightmare today, but a new day is coming and you will take charge of your life.....and you will be better! Try not to retaliate to H's aunt for what she did. Try to have grace and poise and show that you have more "class" than to do that. Man do I know how hard that is! It makes you want to scratch her eyes out, doesn't it?

I think I've caught up on the thread now. I want to be here for you and hope you won't think of "me" as an OW. Gosh, I didn't think about that! I was not involved with a married man. He was D. It doesn't make me any better, but I just wanted you to know that I was not involved with a man who was M. That is all over now and my H and I are doing good. This board had a big part in saving my M and that's why I'm here now trying to pay it forward. So, I hope you will let me be here in your corner.

Check on you later. Take care.

Sandi

[mishka422]

All wonderfully said Sandi!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ashley,

Just checking in on you to see if you're okay. Please update us when you can.

Concerned,

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

Gardener - H was trying to upset me. H wanted me to think I had a chance on saving our M but because I tried to call her, I blew it. I think just another way for H to try to assume control of me and our R.

My H said almost the same thing--except that he never really gave me any hope of saving our marriage. however, when I contacted OW, that's when he changed from distant and confused to hostile and resolute. and that's where he stayed. my contacting OW was helpful to me because I got to see what a fruitcake she is, but aside from that it was counterproductive. I honestly think, in retrospect, it would have come out the same. But that was something fairly unique about my sitch.

[Faith2010]

This board is a saving grace. Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read my thread and offer support.

Sandi - I appreciate you stopping by. I had actually read some of your posts before so I was aware of your sitch. I do not see you as the OW. I can actually understand why you did what you did. I will say it is nice to know OM wasn't married. I've read the advice you've given others and I respect your take on things.

Puppy -thanks for checking in. I appreciate your concern. I'm afraid what I'm about to tell you is not good.

Let me start by saying, I know I screwed up. I expect each of you to be disappointed in me. I've been completely upfront and honest about what's occurred so far and feel I have no choice but to let you all know what I've done.

I called OW at work. I did not talk to her. I listened to her say hello twice and hung up. I thought I was being smart by using a phone card, thinking my number would not show up. I was wrong. My intention was not to talk to her. What was my intention? Honestly (feeling extremely ashamed) I just wanted to mess with her. Immature, yes I was. I have no excuse. Now I am paying the price for my actions. Here is what happened:
H called me, screaming why did I call her at work. I denied it. H went off, recited the number she had that called so I knew she knew. I continued to deny, H screamed it was one of my 'cronies' and demanded I find out who and stop it.

I hang up with H. S texts me and says his aunt (who he is staying with) won't stop screaming at her kid (15). S wants to go to grandparents house. I called H back, tell him, he says no one is at grandparents, offers no solutions. Talk with S. He does not want me to get him. Offer him to go to another aunt's house. He says no, he doesn't want to leave his cousin alone with screaming aunt. Get off with S. H calls back and asks if I find out who called OW. I said no, I was dealing with S. H goes off about how much OW has to deal with, all the problems she has and how no one should mess with her at work. I told H I didn't give a sh!t about OW's problems and to stop speaking to me about her.

I am very upset at work and decide I can't stay, don't want to stay at home and decide to go to sister's. I go home to pack. H is mowing lawn and doesn't see me pull into garage. I got packed, pulling out and H sees me. H asked what I'm doing. I was crying and said I am leaving and will see him Sunday. H asks why, where etc. I told him I can't take it anymore, emotionally. I told H I love him more than anything is this world but he's confused and he needs to figure things out. H hugged me and said he's sorry and he's confused. H said "I thought we were going to have fun tonight." I said I thought so too but I can't stay. I drove away. It felt like I was leaving him. I was hysterical but I made the 3 hour drive.

H called me when I got here. I called back a while later. here's the convo:
H - you took a half day off work?
Me - yes
H - are you alone?
Me - yea
H - tell me how you got her work number
Me - I will not talk about OW
H - I need to know how you got her work number. You can't mess with her at work. Are you spying on my computer or e-mail?
Me - No, I did not get on your account and I am not dicussing OW
H - (more about how did I find out)
In the midst of my replying I will not discuss OW the phone cuts off or H hangs up.

H has tried to call once since, I did not answer.

Once again, I would like to say I am sorry to each of you because I know what I did was wrong. You are all here, taking your time to try to help me and I completely screwed up.

I'd appreciate any insight or advice.