Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I just can't believe she would do this to a complete stranger. I feel if she spoke with the person whose life she is helping to destroy maybe reality would set it. But, I am dreaming, aren't I?

Yes, you are. She is a PREDATOR, and you're assuming she's honorable, and there is no honor IN her.\

If you want to confront someone, confront your husband.

Puppy

[Faith2010]

Gardener - Odd/illogical is the only thing that appears to be consistant with H these days.

I spoke with a SIL yesterday afternoon after a semi-meltdown at the reception. I was humiliated by H. SIL and BIL took me to their house and we talked. Turns out BIL (H's brother) had a PA 16 years ago. They both spoke from experience and were very supportive. Both told me they support me and our S and do not support H. Evidently the family realizes something is wrong with us but believe we are just fighting and H is upset due to brother's death. Another BIL who knows our sitch tried to speak with H but H indicated he did not need to talk about anything. H is shutting out his own family. It's very hard to watch.

[Faith2010]

If you want to confront someone, confront your husband.

Puppy - I confronted him a few weeks ago. It did no good. I don't know where to go with this. I have tried to get OW H's phone number but can't as it's unlisted. Am I really suppose to just ignore the A and pretend it's not happening?

[givingitmyall]

Hey Ashlee,

Not ganging up on you, but Puppy is right here. By calling the OW, you are elevating her in importance. She is not worth your time, and you need to act that way. I understand your feelings and don't blame you. Just think contacting her is a mistake.

Take it a step further. Suppose you talk to OW and she flees like the scum she is. If H does not see the light, there will just be an OW#2. The problem is not the OW. The OW is just a symptom of the problem.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Of all of the things that people debate around here (exposure, ML during waywardness, snooping, etc.), this is probably one of only two things ("Don't move out of your own house!" being the other) that EVERYBODY agrees on.

DON'T CONFRONT THE OTHER PERSON.

No, you don't just ignore that it's going on. You focus on all of the other things that people have been posting to you and that MWD talks about in her books. But don't confront the OW.

Puppy

[mishka422]

Because of her my S has no respect for his father.

Because of her my H is no longer the honorable man I married.

Because of her I am living a nightmare.

Because of her my H no longer shares his emotions with me.

Because of her? Wrong. Because of your H and no one else. He made all of these choices, he created the mess and now you have to live with it and so does he. OW is obviously lacking any kind of moral compass (unless she does not know he is married which from what you have said she does know). She has her own issues. Your problem is not with her though, it is with your H. Make a stand, lay down the law regarding what is and is not acceptable in your house and enforce the boundaries.

Your H shows an insane amount of disrespect not only for you and your M, but your S! Only a truly sick individual would talk to OW in front of his own child. Throwing OW in your S's face that way shows that your H is sick and twisted in the head. All of this may come back to haunt him in custody hearings, trust me. I ended up with full custody because my xh didn't want his OW put on the stand. My L was ready to air every piece of her dirty laundry and trust me, it was sizeable - most of it my xh didn't know but found out when my L laid it in front of him to get him to sign the papers.

Protect your S Ash! Give your H boundaries - NOW.

[Faith2010]

Well, I set the boundaries tonight and he's gone. The evening was going fairly well, we got take out and a movie. Now and then H would make comments about getting a phone call (from OW), which i ignored. While watching the movie, H received a text and started to write back. I told H if it was OW, he needed to not answer it in my presence. H obviously thought I was kidding. A few minutes later H said he would be receiving a phone call. I told H he will not take the phone call in our house or when he was with me as it is disrespectful to me and our M. H asked if I was serious. I said I was. A few minutes later H gets up, indicates he is leaving and drove off.

I don't know if I handled the sitch correctly but I am tired of the phone calls and text messages in front of me.

[MrBond]

You did fine. He has to learn to respect you. He's acting like a spoiled child who just stormed off because he wasn't allowed to get ice cream.

The ball is in your court now.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don't know if I handled the sitch correctly but I am tired of the phone calls and text messages in front of me.

ABSOLUTELY you handled it correctly, Ashlee, and I'm damned proud of you.

It (calling and texting his girlfriend in front of you) was a boundary of personal integrity for you, right? It was sapping your dignity and your self-esteem, and it was extremely disrespectful to your marriage vows.

There's no reason why you SHOULDN'T have done what you did, and for the life of me I don't understand why more people don't do it.

You can be sure of one thing: he may be ANGRY at you right now (altho he'll get over it -- perhaps even very soon) . . . but he damned sure RESPECTED what you did.

Puppy

[Faith2010]

Thanks for the encouragement. H also spoke today about leaving. I told him I was not leaving the house. H said he'll leave. I said that is fine. I said he still has financial responsibilities as everything is in both of our names. H acknowledged that fact.

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place with some family members on his side of the family. S said his aunt pulled him aside to talk about his father and I. When S mentioned his father was talking to OW, the aunt acknowledged it was wrong but also seemed to defend H. The aunt also told S that I hate her. I am fuming, my S is 14 and she does not need to be talking to my S about how she thinks I feel. She is not close to my S, hadn't seen him in a couple of years. I want to call her, basically to tell her not to speak with my S about my M or about my feelings towards her (actually to not speak to my S period). I'm afraid this may not be the right thing to do...the mama bear in me is very protective of my S. Any thoughts?