A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[GH31]

G'day again Deep,

I guess it's time to take my head out of the sand and do what I must. What that is, and how to do it, I can only pray for guidance.

You said it.

You mention in a previous post that you want things back to how they used to be. Instinctively you know they will never be until/unless all contact with OM has ceased for the rest of eternity. As Sandi very correctly points out - you came extremely close to the EA/PA black hole with your OW. I am going to call her "OW" because she blatantly wanted to have an affair with you. You used words such as "connection" and "chemistry" to describe what was between you.


Her email saying "I want to have an affair" extremely blatant to a woman reading it, possibly not as blatant to a man and a good many of us would miss that message altogether. I only know from reading extensively about how women communicate and listening to posters like sandi2.

Your OW is a topic of conversation on your thread and this is why you have to avoid her. If your wife informed you that another OM had made it clear that he wanted an affair with her, would you prefer the she avoided any and all contact with him?

W and I have talked, or at least really tried, about the root causes of problems in our M. So far, we have used support from Retrouvaille to do so, while I have gone for individual counselling sessions (stopped recently). W is of the mindset now that it's all in the past, and I think my first challenge is to bring it up in a non-aggressive way and let know it's not to rub her face in things but for the sake of our M.

Bull.

She is trying to convince you and convince herself that it's all in the past but deep down she knows you're suffering. It's not in the past at all and she knows it.

Quick update: Just today, W suddenly told me something. The first year after A, we went on some trips together to try and re-discover each other and also took some family trips that we promised the kids. Espcially in the 12 months after A, it was overshadowed by thoughts of OM, the A, negative stuff. Some of the trips were really bad even if we were not fighting, the mood was like a bad joke.

I cannot believe how much like my own wife she sounds. The trips thing is very familiar. W and I have taken countless trips since she came home and really it's just an avoidance tactic - to avoid doing the hard stuff (like cutting all contact with OM).