So ... after basically 3 months of silence I get a text from the W today.
W: Are you in town today? I wait awhile, call back. No answer. I wait some more. W: I lost my voice, are you home? M: In and out, what's up? W: I just want to talk about some things. [really? that may be hard to do with no voice]
She wants to meet at a coffee shop. I decline. We text back and forth ...
We're scheduled to meet at a park downtown at 6 tonight.
I am FULL of trepidation. I am trying to not have any expectations for this meeting. It has been months since we've talked. It could be good. It could be bad.
My gameplan: I'm gonna look good. Be calm. Validate my butt off. NOT talk about me. Listen. Take control of what I'm gonna do next.
I'll be honest. I'm scared. ANY additional immediate advice would appreciated.
For next time: M: Is that right? What things would you like to talk to me about?
For this time, I think your approach is good. Don't over rehearse/obsess in your mind. You have DB and other resources in your toolkit. They're already there and the appropriate ones will arise as needed.
Relax until then. You should do fine.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I agree with Gardener. You know through your DB resources what you should and should not do. Trust yourself. It will come effortlessly and instinctively.
When I met with my W for the first time in a long time, I felt just like you're feeling right now. I was freaked out that I would get into a situation that I didn't know how to handle.
When I finally met up with her, I was very surprised at the situation, as well as how I handled it. I would see and hear her say certain things, and would have a running commentary in my mind..."Ok, I recognize what she's doing here...", "Ok, I need to let her talk and just listen here...", "Ok, I need to be especially attentive to what she is saying here...", etc, etc, etc.
Trust yourself. It will all come to you naturally and instinctively.
Be upbeat. Let her take the lead. Don't look at this with any expectations, good OR bad. Look at this as an opportunity to shine, and let her see all the things she will miss about you should she choose to leave.
Look at this as an opportunity to leave a positive, lasting impression with her, that she will go back to in her mind, time and time again. It may not be apparent now, but those positives build up over time.
Don't worry about her possibly "outthinking you" into some kind of logical corner. I can practically guarantee that she is in such a fog right now, that that isn't even an option.
Act "as if". You can do this, MW. And you'll do great!
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
"... I agree totally with your decision, it's not what I wanted but I don't want trap anyone into staying with me if that's not where you want to be. Let me know what I can do to help this move along smoothly"
And that's it.
In the end, you could never convince her to stay if she really wants to go, free will, you have to let her do what she wants to do even if that means divorcing you.
We sat down to talk. We chit chatted then she says ... "I've been thinking about it, and it's long over due. I want to file for divorce. I have the papers with me."
I told her I disagreed. I thought she was making a mistake that she is going to regret later. "That's your opinion." I asked if there OM was still around ... "no." I asked why are you filing ... "this has been over for a long time. I have nothing left to give." I told her I understand but I'm not going to help her. I won't sign the papers. I got up to leave. We're walking out ...
Then this guy comes around the corner and she says "he's going to serve you now." I had composure until then. She's standing there the whole time just watching. She leaves.
Then I lost it. As she's leaving I ran up to MY truck to ask what happens next. And I KNOW, I should have just let it go. We talk about how things get divided. She doesn't want anything other than what she already has. Wants to be done. Asks if I want anything. She left.
I got served.
Now what? I'm resisting the urge to call, beg, plead, text ... anything. I STILL don't get how we got to this point. It was like she was talking to a stranger. I KNOW there is nothing I can do to change her mind. This sucks.
I know it is just paperwork. I know that things can change even now. But right now, I'm pretty sure its over. I'm not seeing anything else.
I'm p*ssed off. I feel like I got ambushed. I didn't think about getting served. I feel like this was the coward's way out. And right now I'm feel adrift, lost and unbelievably sad. I know it won't stay this way, but right now ... feels like I just got steamrolled.
