How to treat her now....?

[Arwen_in_NJ]

My wife of 16 years and I have a conversation scheduled for Friday evening to talk about "how to move forward separately, what that means, how we do it and so on." She has been having an A with OW (we are gay couple) since November, that I found out about in Feb. She did not tell me about the A, when I asked if there was someone else, her response was "I don't want to talk about it- please turn off the light." I don't think she ever intended me to find out about the A at all.

Affair started when my wife was working a long term temporary job assignment in IL. We live in NJ. By her own words, she was living a "double life." In IL, she had this fun passionate relationship (although by her own admission, the OW is "not very attractive"), when she came home she had the stability of me & the house...

After I discovered the A, she came home for a few weeks, ostensibly to work on R. She told OW she could not see her "for the duration". After two days, she decided she didn't want R, and I discovered she had called OW since she had been home. She was having too much fun and getting too much attention (with no responsibility since it was a "casual affair") with the A to want to give it up. Giving up the A would have meant being alone again far from home, and giving up the social network she had formed in IL.

Though a few months ago she said the A was "not a long term thing", "I don't want to marry her", "I don't want to meet her family, and I don't want her to meet mine", since then she has said it "has progressed" and "she has fallen in love with her".

The long term job ended ended the end of May, and WW moved back home. However, she made it clear she was continuing the A. She was home 3 days and then went on 2 week vacation with OW, was home a week and a half and then spent 4th of July weekend with OW at a B&B two hours from here. OW came back with her to OUR TOWN last Sunday, and the two of them have been staying together at friend's house since. OW is unemployed, and I think now looking for job here. WW has introduced OW to our friends, introduced her to our DOG (no kids), showed her part of our art collection, etc. I think in WW's mind I am moving out, and she is going to move OW in (we own house jointly and are civilly unioned in NJ).

I thought we had a very good relationship- the envy of our friends gay or straight. We were very comfortable with each other, almost never fought, never got tired of spending time together, have similar interests, always loving and affectionate.

I think she is in mid-life crisis, as in addition to the A, in the last year she went skydiving on her 48th birthday and got a tattoo. Her behavior around the A has been incredibly selfish and thoughtless (definitely NOT the woman I have loved and lived with for 16 years)- for the last 5 days she and the OW (who lives 1200 miles away) have been staying at a friend's house less than a half mile from OUR house. She thinks she is being "considerate and sensitive" by not bringing OW TO our house. This thing has been all about HER-a fun relationship with no responsibility.

The separation is NOT my choice. I want to work on the relationship, but she is now "in love" with OW, and has not wanted to talk about R, even in the beginning when she said she did not see the affair as a "long term thing".

I am unsure how to treat her now... do I "go dark" and do no contact (after our meeting), or be her supportive "best friend" in hopes that when A blows up, she feels the door may be open to "something more" (a la the "While Your Spouse Decides" article on the front page).

Thoughts, please??