Just my two cents about the "married until you are D" issue and being detached. According to what the majority of LBS say, it "is" the detaching that is the number one problem for them. Apparently there is a certain amount of "pain fog" for them b/c they can't seem to be able to think through a lot of situations and don't know when to go out with their S and when to decline. That is why many ask what to do here on the board. To me, it usually seems pretty clear in most situations, but that is b/c I am not emotionally involved, so I think that does play a very big part of the LBS's confusion. I believe a good rule of thumb that some could use in the beginning of their stitch when the WAS is very cold.....is to avoid any "romantic" events, especially avoid planning any in order to try to get closer to the S. If the WAS invites the LBS to a romantic event (which is unlikely in the beginning) then I say to do what one desires to do. I think it is smart to avoid certain intimate dinner parties, foursomes, and things like that b/c of the stress involved and b/c people notice....and talk. It does not "help" the stitch. When it comes to "family" events where it is for the sake of the children or other family members, I say that you have to think of others before yourself, most times. The biggest problem I see is that LBS's use these events as their "excuse" to be with the WAS.
For example,.....I will use "Thinker", since this is his thread....and maybe he knows I'm not picking on him. If I told him that I thought it would be a good idea to go to everything that came along (that requirred his W to be there too), then he would probably "jump" at the chance b/c that is what his heart wants to hear. He would agree with my idea real fast! However, if I said that I thought he ought to "never" go anywhere with his W, then needless to say he would feel down about that b/c it hurts him to think about never being with her at events. So, the point, IMHO, is to use some balance in these matters. Avoid romantic settings or "intimate environments", but attend family events where there are others around instead of just the two of you.
We all know that detaching is very important in order to be stand a chance at ever becoming attractive to the WAS. Yes, that includes a lot of being unavailable, GAL, declining invitations, etc. But, a family is still a family unit as long as the couple is together.....and in some cases I've seen.....they can still attend family events after a D. In some cases, there will be certain events that would be hard not to attend.
Oh, I go all around "grandma's house" to say anything!
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
