Finally trying to move on without H

[beepee]

thanks VH:
im glad i canceled the phone and i definitely wont be tempted to call him now!!

i agree, my impulse control is horrible right now! so lets see, i cant phone him anymore so the biggest hurdle i have right now is email. i wish there was some way i could force myself to cancel his email just like the phone haha! but the urge is just soo strong!! im following your advice about writing emails to him on here instead and it helps a lot. i havent written to him since you gave me that advice (i think..yikes) but again, and i know i keep saying this, i will TRY SO HARD to stop emailing him. i know it pushes him away but i have a feeling that he cant be pushed any further and every email i send him just goes in the trash anyway. i just have to keep telling myself that he doesnt want to hear from me..maybe if i keep telling myself that, it might prevent me from emailing him.

i just dont think he cares about me anymore and it makes me sad. i know im not ready to talk to him sensibly because im so hurt and angry but i feel like ill never get over this if i dont talk to him. i know i have a lot of work to do with myself and im going to do it. im trying so hard.

I WILL LET GO OF THE THINGS I CANT CONTROL..

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((beepee)))))

Maybe this will help you not email him.....
As long as you keep emailing, he knows exactly how you are feeling, and what you are doing. And why would he want to talk to someone that was as angry as you are right now. (Not saying you shouldn't be.) He knows that no matter what, it isn't going to be a pleasant conversation.

So, let's say you can not email him from a week or two. Then his small brain starts thinking... "I haven't heard from bp in a while.... I wonder what's going on? Maybe I should call her...."

It will feel like you are giving up the control, but I think you are really taking it back.

beepee, I like you. You have real feelings, and you are not afraid to show them. In the end, it's really going to be ok. I really believe that. HUGS!

[beepee]

VH:

i like you too, and i love your support and advice.
i feel like if i dont email him for awhile..he'll notice but he'll be happy not to hear from me anymore. like hes saying good riddance!! no more annoying emails and questions to answer from that angry crazy girl!
and he wont have a phone to call me from since i canceled it muahaha..i joke.
but i know if i stop emailing him, i will be taking back control of myself and the unfortunate situation i am in.
im feeling much better after what i did with his phone, even tho it may be spiteful (i dont think it is, i just dont think its fair for me to be paying for his phone when i dont have any money and when i have to pay overdue rent which he left me with) i feel like ive achieved some sort of victory.
it made me happy to do this, he cant freeload off me anymore. and the woman on the phone felt bad for my sitch and lowered my bill for this month from 200 to 60!! thats so great!!

i sometimes feel embarrassed to show my feelings because they are so full of anger and rage and sadness but if i dont show them and keep them in, i will never get better. all those years of bottled up emotions have definitely taken its toll on me now. so letting it out is my only option and it makes me feel a whole lot better and feels like some weight has been lifted off me. its A LOT of weight, and its gonna take a really long time for all of that weight to be lifted but im determined to get rid of it once and for all.

HUGE HUGS BACK TO YOU!!

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((beepee)))))

Try not emailing for a while. What you have been doing wasn't helping, right? Stop emailing. His memories of the angry crazy girl will start to fade. Eventually, he is going to get curious. Every time you email him, you push back that timetable. Patience!

You can do it!

[beepee]

i feel like me canceling his phone is gonna get him angry and p*ssed off and hes gonna hate me for it.

[givingitmyall]

Awesome! Well done bp.

[Gardener]

i feel like if i dont email him for awhile..he'll notice but he'll be happy not to hear from me anymore.

beepee, not emailing him is for you, not for him, his reaction, his anything.

and he wont have a phone to call me from since i canceled it muahaha..

This may be the best, strongest, healthiest action I have seen you take so far. And you've taken quite a bit. A dozen Bravos, girl!

i know if i stop emailing him, i will be taking back control of myself and the unfortunate situation i am in.

I knew you knew this deep down. Good for you.

i sometimes feel embarrassed to show my feelings because they are so full of anger and rage and sadness but if i dont show them and keep them in, i will never get better. all those years of bottled up emotions have definitely taken its toll on me now. so letting it out is my only option and it makes me feel a whole lot better and feels like some weight has been lifted off me. its A LOT of weight, and its gonna take a really long time for all of that weight to be lifted but im determined to get rid of it once and for all.

Healthy, healthy, healthy, girl!
You are doing so well. Hugs.

Oh, yeah, re: trying not to email him. "There is no try. There is only do..."
There is no magic force or anti-beepee that controls the ten fingers on your hands. You do. Do not email. In case of real temptation, imagine telling us afterwards and imagine a big pile of 2x4s...
Finally, you would benefit from visiting others' threads more. Give advice, ask questions, learn what works. Get out of your own thread and your own head for a while. You'll feel even better than you obviously are feeling already, lately.

[beepee]

hi Gardener, i feel like the fact that ive canceled his phone is a huge way of detaching but i also feel like it makes matters worse because he really needs the phone for work and when he finds out its canceled, he'll be really angry and any chance of reconciliation later on would not happen. not to say that the phone being canceled will cause all of this but it might add to it maybe.. and i feel really bad that i did it but like, he doesnt feel bad that i have to pay for it..

ive been reading other peoples posts a lot but just dont know what advice to give. i really should try tho, itll take my mind off my problems for it maybe.

i will NOT email him. you're right, there is no trying, just doing. I WILL NOT EMAIL HIM..

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((beepee)))))

If he NEEDS a phone for work, he'll figure it out. Not your problem. He might get angry in his current state, but in his current state, he isn't coming back, anyway. When his senses return he will see that you were doing what you needed to do to survive. How many people in your position can afford to pay for a phone for a person that is for all practical purposes a total stranger?

Giving advice.... it starts slowy! Maybe you just tell someone you understand their feelings, or you've had them yourself. Or just let them know you are listening. It helps!

[beepee]

Vh:
youre absolutely right. he isnt coming back anyway so why should i worry about him getting mad? i just feel like if i dont get him mad, he might consider talking to me sooner but thats just me talking nonsense. how can i let something jerk me around like that anyway. i hate how i feel like he has this control over me but in actuallity, its me that is allowing myself to be controlled. im the one that foolishly waits around for his emails and constantly thinks about him as if he was still around, defending his actions to everyone around me when he is doing the exact opposite on his side.

and you know, when you talk about him being a stranger, that really hit me hard. he is practically a stranger now isnt he. i dont know him anymore. that makes me really sad. wow.
anyhow, i spent my time today working on ebay stuff to get my mind off everything so that helped. and despite my small victory today, i now suddenly feel really sad. maybe its the realization that he is a stranger to me now. i dont know, but i dont feel too good