oh honey)))))))))))))) big hugs, it's one of those times huh? when the whole thing falls on you like it just happened yesterday? I get you hon, from time to time my mind wants to drag me fully to the past and relieve all that happened, the should'ves could'ves ... remember the allegory of the putting our hands into a jar filled with broken glass? don't revisit the past and expect it to make sense, to be a linear timeline... it isn't... it took me a whole year to realize x lost his way looong ago, before our 6yr old was born, he slowly lost his way for many reasons, our ignorance in keeping a good M was part of it but not the whole reason.
I know you are a woman of faith, and thus you must realize who the main culprit is, the one who was there at the right time to make things as worse as possible, the one who is like a hungry lion looking for someone to devour... You dont' know for sure what would've happened if you would've done the "right" things... whatever that is... of course it is so obvious to you what you "should've" done back then because you are in the present looking back! you had no crystal ball to know the future, you did the best you could've done with the knowledge you had at the time, no one put a gun to his head to find that woman, he opened the door to that, he is an adult who had the choice to say "NO"... but he didn't
No one can blame you for how you handled things back then... today I got a call from my mom... and she hurts for my broken M even more than me because the same things and worse happened to her. My dad went to another city to work back when I was 9 in my country. After a year she got wind that he was cheating on her (perhaps was true) she went wild with grief, she drunk herself to a stupor, had men over the house, just plain lost it, a woman who was very honorable hard working and the best mother around... she couldtn' handle it... and only now do I understand her pain...though I didnt' loose my kids the way she did... after my dad heard that she was drinking and stuff he moved myself and my 2 siblings to live with him... she was left all alone in a huge house, I don't even want to think the pain that brought on her...
I love her and could never blame her for the way things happened, no one can blame you for what happened, the pain we went through tears apart the soul. But you have found your footing, you are just in a bad spot right now, but remember you WILL find peace again. Your life is different, not the ideal you had, but you can again live a new ideal life, one you love with no undercurrent pain. You and me will get the occasional kick in the gut when we hear about their lives with the new women in their lives... but we have the power to live FULL lives the way God intended us to live. They were part of our lives but NOT the culmination of our lives, how many single people full happy lives on their own?
It will take some give and take to co-parent (I'm looking back and remembering my kids crying and upset when gf lived with x) it was hard and sad but things have improved, no more crying (except when gf combs d6 hair) not will work the way we want... if x and I agreed on everything we wouldn't be separated, but we dont' agree and our lifestyles are different, keep that in mind honey, not all will work out smoothly nor the way we think it's supposed to.
Ok, I'll shush now. Feel free to vent vent vent on my inbox at FB, hugs))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
