Thank you everyone for your advice. I wish I had seen it before last night. I wrote my initial post at work, then left for some counseling, and then went to our house to pick up some of my stuff(I'm staying with my Mom... yuck.)
I didn't think W would be there, it was arranged through the lawyers, and I knew someone would be there, and there was someone from the county, but I didn't expect her. Well she was there, and so was our D. I was shocked! I scooped up my little girl and loved her for as long as I could. W didn't mind, I kinda expected her to stop me or something, but she didn't. I started gathering my stuff and my D was helping me, telling me of all the fun things that her and W have been doing and were going to do. Then she asked me how long this was going to go on? I told her I didn't know, she said W told her maybe a year! I hope she just misunderstood or something, to me that sounds like W is gearing up for a fight. She then backed that up with Mommy said I might can see you next weekend. !!?????!! A few min later my D asked me what do you do everyday now Daddy, and I told her I mostly just go to counseling...the W came into the room and had been watching and listening to me, but I didn't know it. I wonder is that bad what she heard me say? Then the W started a conversation with me, mostly about missing underwear and socks, but I felt like she wanted to talk. She didnt simply come back to watch me pack.
At one point I looked up and she was zeroed in on me, so I held her stare. My W first of all looked stunning, she was so beautiful, but I knew if I did see her I wasn't gonna see the un kept version that my friends have said they've seen. She had her game face on, she wasn't displaying emotion, but after 14 years I can see through this. What I didn't see was anger or indifference. What I saw was pain. Pain from what... I don't know? Was it pain from missing me? Was it pain from what we've been through? Was it pain for my daughter(I don't think it was this yet cause the D was so happy at this point) I don't know though. We looked into each others eyes for probably longer than 5 seconds, I felt like she was trying to say something with her eyes, I know I was. I felt like the tension kinda dropped a bit at that moment. Then I done what y'all told me not to. I was close to her and I said "remember when you told me I didn't get it(referring to my questioning of what was wrong in our marriage)I said well now I get it, I get it." Then I walked even closer to her, cause I was about to walk out the bedroom door and I stopped right in front of her this time I didn't look into her eyes because I didn't want to seem like I was invading her space, or that I was trying to intimidate or anything. So I stared at the ground, and I said very softly... "you wanted peace, Ill give you peace" and I was just about to say something along the lines of making her happy at all costs, but she stopped me and said "we'll talk." She said this softly too, in a kinda reassuring way. I then moved back away to the other side of the room to grab something and I looked up at her she was still staring, and I mouthed to her "soon?" She said "yes" quietly.
At the end I was trying to tell my D bye, and assure her that this wont last forever, and I noticed my W was locked in on the television, like she was totally engulfed in the program, so I glanced up to see what it was, and it was the the science channel, how thats made. They were making chocolate candies. My W never liked these shows, it kinda made me laugh cause to me, and maybe Im wrong but now she was really trying to hide the pain there. I know its hard seeing our D crying and holding on to me(this time I do think the pain was from that) and I was tearing up too. But to me that means something... Right? As I started to walk away I told her one last thing, that I hope dont get me in trouble with the lawyers, my birthday is saturday, and I told her that she could let the D call me on my birthday. The W nodded her head in a yes motion but I don't get the feeling she was really saying yes, maybe more of an acknowledgment to me. Maybe that was a bad idea, I dunno. As I walked out the door my D was watching the whole time, I said "I love you honey" and she said she did too, then I mouthed to her that I love your Mommy too, and she mouthed back I know. My W never once turned back to see me walk out the door. I feel like that was another big point, but then again????
OK, so within this there is a million possibilities. I'm also not oblivious to the fact that maybe I'm seeing good where there is none. I'm afraid that I may be doing that completely, and setting myself up for utter failure. Please any input would be good. Like I said I wish I had read everyone's words before I went, but maybe it was meant to go down like that. All I have is my prayer and faith that God will reach her and silent the nay sayers. My W and I are both christian people, and as she left me when I found the divorce papers, I do remember her saying that God told her to divorce me. I know better. She needs to hear Gods real word, silence the critics who are telling her how shes gonna be so happy in a few months(I know cause that's what people are trying to tell me) and let her decide for her. I think shes under a lot of pressure to divorce me from her friends and family. The ol grass is greener talks.
Some of my friends were angry that she had D there... I to was surprised, but I don't think it was anything malicious, I believe it may have been a gift from her or maybe some sort of peace offering, or possibly a test of some sort?
I did read DCBHM's stich, and I could see some similarity's, Ive always known something to be a little off with my W. I know its not on that level, but her mother has to take medicine, if she doesn't she become violently mean, its in her family, and its caused problems before with us. When W gets something in her head, sometimes no matter how far fetched, to her its the gospel. This is a sticky subject that I'm afraid of.
Also I live in Texas, and we have a 2 month cool down period before the divorce is final. We are 8 days into this... How do I silence the nay sayers around me without alienating people who care about me, but just don't understand why Id stick this out? Also how do I put my stats at the bottom of the page? In the meanwhile Ill give this for everyone... ME 32(at least till sat) W 33 D together 10, S I have cust. 15 M12 T14 separated by restraining order,and D filed on 2 July 09 by W
all the prayers and advice is eagerly anticipated! I am very sad, but its cause Ive made the commitment to stay in this, I know I could quit and make it easier on me, but that's not the right thing to do, and I know it. Thanks B.
