You H sounds like my (STBX)W. They are content to live like that indefinitely. I also have seen absolutely no evidence of an OP, just a complete lack of interest in me or being married. It's not a good way to live.
I think the first step towards taking care of yourself is to get over the feeling that somehow it is your fault. I was sure for years that she was "right" and I was "wrong". It took a C, this site, and time for me to finally see that taht thinking wasn't right. I finally wrote a letter to her last November, her reaction made it clear that I wasn't doing anything but banging my head against the wall. She was still there because it was the easiest thing to do, and she had what she wanted. So now I am headed towards D, but I feel a lot better. It isn't killing me. I know I did what I could.
On the kid front, I think your D18 and my S19 may be made for each other!
Question... what was the tone/intent of the letter? What was her response?
And, you just sent me into a depression... I thought GIRLS were the only ones like this!! I keep saying, "Boys are just easier. Boys are just easier." EEEK! I have two boys pulling up the rear here!
This is why God made them so cute. If they weren't they'd surely be thumped by now!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
HA! This summer S19 seems to have lost every bit of common sense and responsibility he had! I think they get to an age where they want to be independent, but they don't really want the responsibility. He dragged his feet, and didn't get a job. Fortunately between his mom and his grandparents there were some physical labor tasks that needed to be done. But he's gotten really good at nodding, and saying yes, while whatever you are saying is sailing in one ear and out the other!
Rather than trying to summarize the letter here, I'll try to find it. I had a lot of help writing it! Then you can read it, and see her reaction, for yourself!
PS - Wish I could have the courage to tough love the H!
It's because you are afraid of what his response mightbe. With your daughter you were willing to live with either outcome (stay at home or leave and become financially independent) - detach/drop the rope is the antidote. You can handle it once you stop being fearful, love yourself enough to take healthy, positive action for you and your family. You are being called to lead your marriage out of limbo. Remember tough love is loving. Fear is the opposite of love. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It's because you are afraid of what his response mightbe ... detach/drop the rope is the antidote. You can handle it once you stop being fearful, love yourself enough to take healthy, positive action for you and your family. You are being called to lead your marriage out of limbo.
I want to frame this ... maybe tattoo it to the back of my eyelids.
Thanks for checking in Mindblank. I can tell you are struggling with detaching. I wish I could offer some advice. For me it just happened. I flipped a switch in my head and was just able to proceed with my life assuming that she was most likely not going to be a part of it. The funny part is, the day before it happened I would have sworn I would never be able to detach. One little thing that did help me was to write a daily journal and really let loose. Something just for me.
I wouldn't say I am a good example of dropping the rope, but I had the courage to put separation on the table once I had created a vision of a great, not just tolerable, single future for myself. It actually was a viable option to my current life.
