I agree with Mach1. One of my H's big complaints that I'm just now getting out of him is pretty much the same thing. He needed to feel respect from me. And for him that would come in the way of affection. Here's something I think you may have a hard time with because I did: Yes, my husband screwed up when he started the EA. HOWEVER I screwed up too. I had done things that got us to a point where he wanted and sought affection and attention and respect somewhere else. Basically, it was my DB coach who broke it down for me and it sounds like it will apply to you.....my H was crap at home and he was the king at work. Soooooo.....guess where H would have rather been....not at home with me, where he was feeling crappy, he wanted to be at work, where he was treated like royalty. Guess who he wanted to talk to? OW because she made him feel good and needed and not me because I made him feel like crap.
You need to find out what it is she does for him and you need to slowly start doing it too. BUT only if it's something you are willing to do for the rest of your life.
Meaning, if your husband really needed you to bow on your knees when he came home and you really can't do that for the rest of your life, then don't. But if your husband needs you to kiss him hello and sincerely ask how his day was, you could that, right?
Remember, you might not like what he's saying....doesn't mean it's not valid. Also remember you may have screwed up here too and if that's the case, figure it out and correct it.
