Need to really make changes for me (thread #3)

[mdoodles]

i know how u feel and exactly what u mean.

piecing is really the hardest. we work so hard to either get over it and move on or to get them back. sometimes both at the same time.

but the scariest is when they actually want to come back and do come back.

i felt the same way, it was scary, i knew it wouldnt be a bed of roses at first and it was scary to know u could get hurt again.

what do u think u are going to do?

[vickyd]

hey mdoodles, see my above post. I'm going to try to take it slow though to see if we can somehow find a way to enjoy each other again. I just want to have a good summer so will see from there. I was thinking that I need to take the mentality that I was having with my new friend to my old. Just get to knoweach other andhave some fun. Have him oursue me a bit. H said he already has a few places in mind. Will see.

[vickyd]

Ahhhhhh how wonderful, the no-named cyber-God has texted me again that "your H is having another child." Too funny. Darn OW has been telling me she's pregnant again so many times that she should have a tribe by now. Oh what a good laugh I had. If true, congrats to them. But I know its not - she's just trying to get a rise out of me. But again, I'm not even going to bother to say anything to H. He will go to her and I won't give her the gift of thinking her craziness is having an effect. Yippee, I'm still happy and at peace. Boy have I grown, before this probably would have upsetted me, now I find it all so funny.

[mdoodles]

crazy....we really should be able to exchange numbers so we could discuss when we get these messages. im proud of you for keeping it all to yourself and not letting it bother you.

u have come a long way...

would love to know how she does the anonymous text, i bet my ow will do it next... wait until u get "spoofed" lol

[vickyd]

So I haven't updated in a long time but tons has happened in my thread that I needed to share with you guys. Any advice is surely welcomed.

So first off don't know what happened but the guy that I met has kinda disappeared on me. Don't know what happened. But I was really digging him. But I guess all things work together for good.

So H has been surprising me lately. So you know H moved back to his mothers place. And I know he wishes he could just come back home but no - taking it cautiously slow. So on Sunday we had our first date. I called him out of the blue and he was shocked and really happy. He asked me out right away - you wanna go someplace. He then took me to a pier overlooking the Manhattan skyline that we use to go to in our teenage dating years. It was a relly nice time. We were able to talk talk talk. H can't stop about how he messed up and all he knows is taht he wants his wife back and he wants to treat me good like when we first met etc. He even talked about all the dates he wants to take me out to. And he knows that he's hurt me and he wants to fis things etc. I kept telling him that I want to take things slow and make sure that he is on soldi ground. Funny thing is taht before our sep I wanted a child so badly and H knew it, so now he's talking about if we get back together when would I want to start a family and I was able to say that I want to wait b/c I want to make sure things are right between us. And guess what with all th DB work H also said that he feels more relax with me b/c I'm not so eager (ie pursuing). We actually had a good time and felt time we were just dating again. We also talked about what would be needed to work things out and he said that he wants us to make the decisions together and he's going to listen to me. Taht was really nice compared to him doing whatever he wants. I insisted though that I need time to make sure he's not being wishy washy.

Then yesterday H an I had to take care of some business about of bldg. Afterward, he took me out to lunch and we went to the mall a bit. He was trying to spend the whole day with me (even wanted to go with me to my dental appt in the afternoon) but then he had to go to work. Our appointment was about our bldg foreclosure and H felt so bad that we may lose the bldg. He said that its all my fault. But I surely am changing too b/c H wanted me to pay for parking and I just refused to. I want to be wined and dined like all the ow fools he's been spending his $$ on... shoot I deserve it better than ow.

So then last night I got home and noticed that all the power in the house was out only to realized that a tree fell in the back of the house. Barely missed the house thank heavens. I was so worried - my home could have caught on fire. I had to call H to take care of it. And he came over adn stayed with me, we called the power authority and they had to run new power lines to restore the power. H was so happy to be able to rescue me and it was nice to have his protection.

This mornign I brought up to him about his communication with ow trying to get at the limited contact thign. I was going to list my demands and then I said no I want to know how you want to handle this and he said no lets just discuss this and make the decisions together b/c I don't want to have to do things twice by me doing it wrong and tehn we have to correct things. I loved that. And he was very receptive to me telling him that he has to break the communication that he I need this thing with her to starve and die out. I even got to tell himthat that is one of the things I need him to put into proper order before we are even back together again. He had said that he told her to call him if she needs anything for their son. But guess what - we did that before and she always needs something. I told him that he needs to have a weekend schedule with son and each live their own lives. Will see how it all goes.

I gotta say though I think a lot of this with H has happened b/c H could tell that I was really interested in that guy and he knew I ws trying to move on. I really hope that he's just not tryign to get me back to cake eat and then I have to do the work again to dig myself out and move on. He assures me thought that he's not that really just wants his wife back. Will see.

So what you guys think? Any piecing advice? I'm trying to go slow with this?

[mdoodles]

im impressed vicky!!!

did u ever think u would be at this point?

the piecing is the hardest, definitely go slow and stick to your guns about boundaries...

i cant remember, have u guys been to this point before? i know he is waffled in the past, but is this the most serious he has been?

by the way, what mall were u at? maybe i was there at the same time lol

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Vicky,

I like the "go-slow" approach, and think you are wise to put off starting a family together until you know that his changes are for real.

I'd like to see you propose them communicating about the baby only thru a 3rd party, at least for a finite period of time (6-12 mos?) so that you two can properly reconcile your marriage, unencumbered.

Puppy

[vickyd]

I think I will try that Pup. Don't know how feasible it is but we think about that b/c we do need time to work on us and that is the last thing she wants and she will try everything to not make that happen. The thing is H's son just loves him tons and I don't want to make the boy feel that sense of rejection that I elt - it hurts too much, so I do want his son to be able to call him when he wants to talk to him. Just not her callingfor any reason - so its kinda sticky. So I'm looking for suggestions on ways to limit contact while still caring for the boy.

Doodles, we were at a mall in the city. And there has been times that H has wanted to be done with ow. Changed his # several times but he ends up back there. In the past I didn't enforce the boundaries but he wasn't receptive to the boundaries either. he thinks that the amount of time that he spent away has something to do with it as well. But this time, I know I am different!!! I know what I've endured and I don't want to put myself back into that situation again. In a way, it's either he ships up or ship out.

About the taking it slow, its like I said to H, he's on probation right now so he gotta prove himself.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I didn't realize the boy was older.

[vickyd]

Yea, he's 4+ now. It's been a long road.