Surely such anger could be appropriate, too; it need not always, or even more times than not, reveal an implicit "fault" (something for which you must do work) in you?
I think feeling the initial anger is sometimes very normal and appropriate - but, at least for me, it's what I do with that anger that matters most. I find that when I feel anger, it's a lot better for me to step away - feel it, let it run its course, and then see what remains. Acting/saying/doing anything while feeling anger just about always takes me in directions I don't want to go. For instance, and this is unrelated. Last Christmas, I was driving through a parking lot filled with people - I was just about to pull into a lane, when a guy zipped in front of me going far too fast for a parking lot - I honked - at which point he slammed on his breaks (since he was clearly in such a hurry) - got out of his car and started coming toward me with his hands balled up in fists.
I rolled down my window, took out my cell phone and took a picture of him and his car. And said, "you can do whatever you want to do." I didn't give him any anger back in return for his anger - so, while he still had a few choice words for me and an uninspired gesture, he got back in his car and drove away. My point being that, though I was annoyed and offended with his reckless/selfish driving - and saw it as a form of disrespect for others - I set aside the anger as soon as he stepped out of his car, instinctively knowing that any anger on my part would escalate things - and deviate from how I truly felt...which was, oddly enough, kind of sad that people drive that way and risk the lives of others.
I didn't always apply or maintain this same attitude with B. When she would get angry (which, was very often), I would respond to it, react, speak to it - all from my own irritated state of being - and things would get out of hand quickly. Now, when she's angry, and behaves as she did just the other day - insulting me in front of my S2 - I don't feel anger toward her - which I'm happy about - but I do still get other feelings that bubble up - like disgust and disappointment - which don't feel emotionally charged in me - rather those emotions tend to feel calm and a lot clearer. Still, no matter how I feel, whenever I get a vituperative word from her or an email full of reinvented reality (several of those lately), I still take my time to respond...since, even when I don't think there is an emotional response in me, there tends to be just enough to cloud my thinking.
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And when it does point back to you, can you discern a pattern or typical place that it takes you, such that you don't repeat the dance that points back to you?
I don't know if there is a pattern...it's more like realizing that when the anger comes up, it's telling me something. The major tell in my life, however, isn't anger, but fear. When I fear something - when I feel the knots in my heart and mind in response to a situation - I know for certain that there's something I have to address...and then I allow whatever emotions I have to come out - and once I feel a bit more settled, I tend to see things about myself that I hadn't before.
B, as I imagine is true for most spouses, knows which buttons to push, knows what things about my past worry me in my present - and she's been very good at using them against me. While attached and entangled (I tend to prefer the word entangled, since I see an unhealthy marriage more as a series of unmanaged/able knots than just common points of attachment), it was very easy for her to use myself against me - and since I was not removed enough, myself enough, the emotions often seemed far more intense - but that's not just because she knew me - it's also because, as she started going through this crisis - as she started to fall apart inside - her own ambiguities and confusion made her spin around a lot - and things would come out of her head that made no sense - but rather than recognizing that, and letting it go, I would hear her words and take them in, and let them wound me...and I would then respond to those wounds like any threatened beast - I would snip and snap and try to protect myself....all the while forgetting that what she said and did had nothing to do with me...yes, it affected me, and her words disregarded our life/history together - but the accusations and the anger, were hers to deal with...not mine...but when I let my emotions guide my reactions to her - I would get caught up in her drama - and spin into my own netherworld.
