Could you have a third option there Stormrider of you both planning separate nights out with your mates in the big city?And discussing that possibility with your H before the trip.
One of the hardest things to do when the kids are small is to keep up with your friendships. This will give you a chance to get a break from the kids and catch up with some buddies. And H will have his chance too.
He may test you though my asking to go see his mates another night while you baby sit. I`d let him. Just have a movie for the kids and a good book/magazine/suduko for you!
I was trying to work out what about this potential trip was bothering me so much, it is that when we go to the big smoke we usually run around like crazy catching up with friends and family together and separately during the day and then treat the night as a time for us. Pre crisis, we found it was much easier to stary in a nice hotel with a good resturant with 24 nhour room service, inhouse movies and a spa, so we cn have abreak after the kids are asleep, than going out when the kids are this age. H may have gone out for a couple of hours at night, especially as I have previously been pregnant or bfeeding, but would have always made sure there was good time for us too. breastfeeding, Last time we went to the city, H went out at night and did not care about the us time at all, a huge 180 and one of my big red flags there was a big problem developing. I am glad I am aware of this now, so I can approach with zero expectations with the next trip. Any such request is usally last minute (5pm or so), again I can expect this in advance now.
Oh I get the last minute thing all the time! "I`m off to town now" and gone for HOURS.I just let it go though-might set a boundary on that in the near future-can`t do all the boundaries at once though.
I reckon if you fight for us time that`d R talk initiation on your part. Not very DB so maybe take your zero expectations and something fun for you to do while babysitting. Any chance of a friend calling to see you at least one of those nights in the hotel?
My last few days I have been out and about every day and even a couple of nights. My hand is sore from scrubing for my spring cleaning, and my mind is grateful for the peace and quiet of the evenings after looking after my two sick but getting better toddlers during a week of rain.
I have been doing a very good job with my evening calls from H since I told him I accepted it was all over about a month ago. They have been like old times, chatty and very relaxed. Prior to that, the talks turned to emotion charged R talk much of the time, for the last month every night I have been upbeat, fun and doing well.
Tonight, instead of calling after kids dinner, as he is already in the big smoke for his mates farewell party, he called me a few hours earlier. Kids were in the middle of a fight and hanging off me, it would of sounded like the sort of scene anyone wouldn't rush to be home to! I managed to stay pretty calm, but did let frustration creep into my voice when I mentioned I had not been able to attend an errand we had discussed a few days earlier, I said I had not been able to have a shower in peace for a week, let alone do that.
He promised he would be home at lunchtime tomorrow, he would have meant it when he said it, however he will stay up late tonight and I will expect him at dinner time. I am so sick and tired of being dumped for his stupid parties, again he used to rush of the plane and couldn't wait to get home to me. Yes, I have seen a big positive change in the last few months compared to how things were earlier in the year, and yes tonight he really seemed to appreciate that I was letting him do this instead of him imply it was his RIGHT, but while I have been very positive and busy in good headspace most of the week, I have come on here to vent now and let it out before I see him tomorrow.
Ok, goals for the next few days while he is here:
- continue to talk upbeat with MonaLisa smile at all times. This has been going well for me - dodge all indepth finance asset talk, it will just lead to R talk which I do not think is good for us right now. Answer any questions with "Hmmmm", or "I need to think about that". - might need to break news I will not be moving out, he will be if he wants to, will try to postpone this if possible, if it comes up keep it very short. - GAL by keeping busy, have lots of little jobs I can do to break any tension that may gather and give each other space. - encourage good behaviour from him. I have not been doing enough of this, too much focus on detaching and I think I missed a coupe of windows last break. Reward hugs with long eye contact (keep things fun). I have trouble with this as I was trying too hard in this area earlier so feel like I might be rejected. - Stand in his personal space more without doing anything when the vibe is right, as if by accident. - line up a couple of good books for me for the evenings during the day, so I can enjoy my own company without TV or computer. If he is around fine, if he goes to bed early or wants own space at night, no problem.
Long term goals
- take him moving out and us separating off the table. By me staying here, that is entirely up to him, although will take a few months for him to afford his own place, he could couch hop before then. Keeping things between us like they are now will be great first step.
- have him WANT to spend all breaks at home. He currently needs space to calm his head and process, have to be patient with this
- physical contact like we used to 18 months ago. Improving, Big one is for him to want to spend night, not just visit my bed. Totally at his pace, me backing off completely helped. Have to ensure him wants this, not just pity stuff, I am very paranoid about this although seems ok?
-eventual recommit to R and M. Yeah right, might as well write it down!
yeah, don't mind own company in hotel, it would be pretty last minute to arrange friend, thats always the irony of it! However, room service and girly movie can help too!
Vent, vent,vent Storm rider. Does you good. Having two kids hanging out of you when you want to be somewhere else and H is already somewhere else is Crazyland!
But it WILL pass!
Love your goals! Smart girl! Esp "might need to break news I will not be moving out, he will be if he wants to, will try to postpone this if possible, if it comes up keep it very short."
and
"stand in his personal space more without doing anything when the vibe is right, as if by accident"
I also love that you striving to get decent Me time by reading. I think you`ve mentioned that your into extreme sport too. Is there any way your H could help you indulge in that out of the house stuff too? Your main prob could be serious cabin fever! And he`ll love to see Old You coming back.
Yeah, backing off... Its probably the best thing I did. My therpist says women drive men just crazy with that Yak!Yak!Yak! stuff. They can`t handle it.
Physical intimacy on the other hand... Looking for a playmate rather than a soulmate...Yeah, that helps too!
I've been trying to figure out the Big Smoke for days! Are you in Australia? Big Smoke = Sydney? LOL (I'm a blonde! And, from the Chicago, IL area... Not quite Big Smoke territory!)
LOVED the goals, too... (Hi FallGirl!!!)
Ok, I have another question. What are the extreme sports? We're kind of extreme sports kind of people in my family? Just wondering...
Be good!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Ok, so looking back at my goals I managed to pretty much stay on track, so glad I wrote them down! Net result, relaxed and fun week for all, absolutely no R or future talk, no city trip, which is good at this time, but did score a last minute huge night out with me and H and we had the best time for I don't know how many months.
Old friends of ours manage an old Inn in the next small town and invited us last minute to a live music event they had there. H was in the mood so off we went. I danced for hours, met heaps of new people, we stayed after the place closed for the staff party where I played pool with H, and even kept partying once we got home! Gave me a two day hangover, thats for sure. By staying very quiet and not taking the temperature of R at all for the next couple of days the good vibe hung around so I THINK we may have taken things up a small notch. Eeeek, I feel like I will jinx things by saying that!
Fallgirl,
Its a bit much pressure for H to commit to look after the kids for me to do my stuff right now, but given our current progress thats ok right now. However, the mountain can come to me and I am organising more entertaining in our house, with or without H, and that feels good. Another 12 months or so and my little ones will find it much easier to stay with other people for longer.
Mindblank, yes good pick on the land down under, I am a little coy on location but you have the general idea.
I have compeltely worn myself with my last few weeks so a big aim is more sleep and keeping things at our current level. Also need to make huge effort not to go in for the kill when things going well, let him come to me at his pace. And prepare for possible setback as things seems to be going too well????
Dancing for hours, two day hangovers, pool, extended partying, boooo hooooo! LOL
Way to go! Way to be fun! I'm freakin' fun, too. I keep forgetting that!
You'll love this... the other day some friends are over, and we're all talking, and your country comes up about their future travel ideas. I ask them, "Hey, are you going to be staying in the BIG SMOKE!!?!??!?" They looked at me like I was from Mars. Too funny! LOL
... and I attempted your Mona Lisa smile in the mirror. I looked like the cat that ate the canary!
I'm proud of you. I really appreciate your differing thinking on my sitch. THANK YOU!!!
Last edited by mindblank; 07/16/0901:05 PM.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
