d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

H dropped off our D4 last night after the 2 hours they spend together. He looked very tired. H working normal job then side jobs (drywalling) on the days he doesn't have to pick up D from daycare. It seems like he's doing whatever to keep busy, probably so he doesn't have to think.

I thought he was going to leave right away, but he started playing with D4 outside and they went for a walk and played on her swingset. Time for D4 to go to bed. Again, she wanted daddy to put her to bed. Poor girl, she kept asking daddy if he was going to sleep here with mommy so she could see him in the morning. I didn't say a word, he told her yes, he was going to be here in am.

Again, like in the past he didn't want to leave, after daughter went to bed. He sat at the kitchen table, looking out into the corn field. Small talk, about his work and looking at cars. I did my best to not give any negative opinions (like I used to do) and no R talks.

He asked if I could rub his bad shoulder (bone spurs) of course I did. Just to touch him again is nice whenever I get the chance. He thanked me and said it really felt good. Sound trivial but this man never believes in saying thank you for nothing. To me this is huge for him to do. I just told him you are welcome, anytime.

H gets up (I thought to leave) and he said do you mind if I catch the weather on the news? By this time I knew he didn't want to leave. I know he can't say it but I wish he would just say, is it ok if I stay? (instead of watching him makeup excuses to stay)

Of course he fell asleep before weather came on. I got up and started rubbing his temples (he was stretched out in the recliner) he then moved his head and laid his cheek in my hand as I was rubbing his temples.

I bent down and kissed his forehead and temples, he just kind of moaned.

He stayed pretty late and when he left he gave me a big hug. For a second there, I forgot about all of the B.S. that's going on and during the big hug. I went to kiss him, duh !!! He turned his head, and I kissed him on the cheek. He slapped (nicely) me on my bottom, and I returned the favor.

WTH?? is going on with him now??? I'm finally used to the fact that he is divorcing me and I will have to go on without him. Yet, we are still playing "tiddly winks" with each other.

We were in the above stage awhile back, but when he met my lawyer in court on june 29 things changed for the worst. Now one week later we are back at getting along again.

He just acts like i'm his buddy. I don't totally mind that because he's talking more. (not about us) I really think that he will divorce me come August 1 but in his mind we can continue to be just friends.

At this time in my life, I want a friend but I also want a partner and lover. But he has yet to get that concept. Oh well maybe someday !!!