Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Coach, anyone,
W just emailed me that her sister and brother-in-law want to go camping next month, do I want to go?
WTH?
It would be them, their girls, us and our boys. I said yes because I keep promising the boys we will go.
Just two nights ago we were arguing over who keeps the house and custody of kids.
Am I missing something here?

Hi Orich,

It sounds familiar, and maybe I can help.

Your W want's to BE a FAMILY. She just does not want to BE with you as your W. This is a huge conflict, and this conflict is what is keeping her (and you) in limbo.

When you are talking to her about your Relationship, as when you are discussing the future, custody, who gets the house, etc, then she is focused on the Romance part of your R, on the idea of having you as her H, and right now she is running from that part of your Relationship. Those discussions are always going to be negative.

But your W still wants to be a family. She doesn't want to break it up yet. She doesn't want to go out in the world openly as if you are no longer married. If she did, you would not be talking about separating any more, because she would be gone.

You W still wants to do things as a family - like the camping trip. This is the same as the way my W tells me that our M is dead and she wants me to move out, but at the same time she still wants to be invited to my family's events and still brings me along to hers. She still wants to go on family vacations, etc.

Your W is running away from the Romantic part of your R, but you still have the part of your relationship where you can be friendly, do things together, have fun with the kids, etc. I have been calling that the Partnership (as opposed to the Romance). Focus on the Partnership with your W and stay away from the Romance.

Go on the Camping Trip. Have Fun.

At the same time, remember that it is not a sign from her that she is ready to work on the R yet. Don't build up your expectations here, because that will drive her away further.