A friend mailed me Surviving the Affair. She got it in the mail and lost it "because she is not having an affair, and if I am gonna be accused of it, then I might as well do it". That on top of this morning when I told her how disrespected I feel with her allnighters. She is just out of her mind these days. Back home and calm, we are going to try to work out finding her a place to go though. I think it will be the only way we can survive. Being on top of each other just doesn't work.
I have asked her multiple times, if it is such a bad word and not what you feel that you are doing, then give me another word that fits. Never had an answer to that one.
Well, she is off again. This time it is to go have dinner with a good mutual friend of ours. Hopefully she can actually open her ears and hear some sane reasoning. Not to hopeful about much of anything. And also curious if this needs to turn into another allnighter.
My WAW is still adamant about the M being over. There are no signs of affection or anything. Lately she has been talking down to me, and when I told her I didn't want to be treated that way, she said she was doing that to make sure I knew that things were not getting better, that even though we live together, there was no chance of us reconciling. I am trying to back away and back away, but I keep backing into a wall. We have young kids, it is very difficult to detach, we have to act together as parents. She has seen the changes I have made, and is happy I made them because it will be good for me in the future with somebody else. She is so cold when she talks about us. Most people here who have WAWs, from what I read, at least have some little bits of hope. Mine is done with the marriage. Her IC, her sister and her closest girlfriend are all telling her to get out of the M if she isn't happy. How can I fight this? I am detaching and GALing, and she is pushing me out, happy I am GALing so I can be happy without her. I hope I didn't just hijack this thread. I started writing and I couldn't stop.
Orich, did you think your W was "not adamant" about the M being over when you found out she was having an A? That is usually a pretty good clue, don't you think?
"Most" women who are having a PA with with OM will not be affectionate with their H's. However, I have heard of a few that can do it. But, are you saying you want her ML or be lovie-dovie with you, when knowing she's in an A?
Yes, she is treating you like cr@p so you will wake-up and get the message, but I don't think you have....yet! She wants out of this M and you are pouting b/c she won't give you affection or show respect! What is it going to take? All WAW's treat their H's badly b/c they do not want the H to think there is any hopes in reconciling. I know just how little it takes for a man to get his hopes up that his W is "coming around". It is unbelievable what LBS's put up with before they face the truth. You need to see this for what's she's trying to put in your face. That being, she wants out.....she doesn't want to be M to you any longer. She wants you to forget about any thoughts/hopes for a future with her. Nothing matters to her but her freedom. Will you please get that? Don't use the kids, M vows, wedding rings, memories, family, religion, or finances....the way so many LBH's do.....b/c none of it matters to your WAW, anymore.
You said you are trying to back away. How are you backing away? This is not a sarcastic question. I am in earnest. How?
In what ways have you changed? You should be able to list the ways in which you've made changes.
Of course she is "cold" when talking about the two of you. What do you expect? I can tell by your post that you won't see what she's trying to tell you. I can understand her frustration as a WAW.
Quote:
Most people here who have WAWs, from what I read, at least have some little bits of hope
In what way are you refering to people have a bit of hope? What do they have that you don't?
You said you were detaching "and" GAL. Tell us the ways you are GAL. What are you doing? If she is "still" having to push you out, then you are not detaching! She cannot "push away" what is not there!
As for her sisters and friends and how you fight their opinions or influence about her getting out of the M to be happy.......there will always be somebody out in the world who has the opposite opinion of you. I know it is hard when family & friends are not in your corner. You are probably thinking if only they supported you that they could convince your W to stay in the M. Wrong! They would not influence her at this stage of the process. In most cases, I think, if changes come about.....it is from a long process and takes a long time.
She doesn't respect you and you tell her you don't like for her to treat you that way. It is obvious that you do not know how to get respect from a woman. I can tell you that it is not by asking or pleading or trying to get her to feel sorry for you, or telling her you don't "like" to be treated the way she's doing. That makes you appear to be very weak and mousey. She wants you to find your b@lls and start acting like a man. Being a man who demands respect does NOT include showing one single act of violence. That is not being a man, IMH. It does not require screaming/yelling at the top of your lungs. It may, however, require using a voice of authority! If you don't know the difference, then you need to talk to some man who "is" in good control over a large group of people, and get him to teach you. Do you think you could do speak in a voice of "authority"? B/c it ain't by saying you don't "want to be treated that way". You tell her YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE DISRESPECTED BY HER TALKING DOWN TO YOU! PERIOD!! If she can't show you respect, like a man should be respected in his own home, then she needs to get out.....IMHO. That is, if you are acting like a man she can respect. As I've said before, a man has to "earn" respect from his W, but if he "has".....then he should demand that in his own home. He should be shown respect from his W and his children. How do you think those kids are going to treat daddy when they see mom treating him like dirt? Exactly! Little boys grow up to be disrespected like they saw their dad, and little girls grow up to disrespect men like they watched their mom doing.
I know this is hard! Every LBH who comes to this board almost says the very same thing. He talks about how much he loves his W and how hard it is to detach. He doesn't understand why she is so "cold", etc., etc., etc. So, it's not like you are the only man this has happened to! You need to listen to the men who have been around a long time and are trying to tell you what to do. If you won't listen, then you are in for a very big heartache. I'm not saying it would keep you from getting a D, but it might save your self-respect, and you would have the courage to make a positive future for you and your kids.
Talk to you later, Sandi
Excellent post Sandi!!
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Talked to MIL again tonight. Apparently her entire family knows, and everyone is P!$$ED! I have never had so much love and support from her family. It is an awesome feeling to know that despite everything and all the love for her, they are in total support of me. I told MIL that I don't encourage or condone any of them letting her in on their feelings, and to be sure to let her know that the exposure is not from me. They are going to discuss with themselves and probably have one specific sister who can be brutally honest, and caring at the same time come to her. I am in total contact with MIL, W is unaware of how much, but I am offering to even take kids to MIL with me to help with projects they have going around their house. Not that I would not help them, but the offering is a 180 for me. Another 180 she got from me today is that I am getting the kids up on Sunday for church, she says she won't go with me(Sunday is our designated family day in this sitch), so I just say, well you are welcome to come if you change your mind, you know where we will be.
((Orich))......I know Puppy won't give you a big ole bear hug, so I will.
Seriously, I felt so much strength from you when I read your last post. Man, you have sure come a long way in a very short time. I must say you had me very concerned, but you finally answered some questions and sure set my mind to rest. I think you were in so much pain that maybe you were not grasping some of the things that was being asked, and it appeared you were simply ignoring them. But, you hit them this time!
Getting the information processed in one's mind and then having to apply that information.....AND THEN continue to live by it, well.....it's tough. I have not been in your shoes and i won't pretend to know what it's like for you. But, I do understand "pain" as a human being and all of us here share that common ground with each other. In spite of all our differences and in POV, etc., we are like a family who come to each other's help in time of need. We saw you in need and wanted to help, but it took "you" to be willing to do what was necessary. I think I can speak for everyone and say we are very proud of this stand you've taken. It is the right one. You stay in that bed and in that house and you keep those kids! You let her leave and let her get a D if that's what she wants. If she starts talking down and showing disrepect.....turn and walk away without a word. Don't just stay there and ignore her without saying anything....look at her hard, then turn around and purposely walk away from her if it's only into the other room. That makes a strong statement to women. You know why? They can't stand it! (lol) She'll know why.
I should have just said, "great job", but.....well, I wouldn't be Sandi, if I did that, now would I?
It was a very good job! Oh.....and it sure helps when you give us all that information you did today. Thanks for that.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you, Sandi and I have to thank puppy as well. I am a thickheaded person and have been blinded by pain. I have been fighting the realization of how serious this is for some time. Some of it is because this is my second marriage, and I feel like a loser going through this again. I was supposed to learn my lesson after the first M and be secure in this one. I didn't want to believe this M could be in enough trouble that it could end. As of right now, she is talking to me like a friend. Yesterday we had some contact during the day while I was at work (I worked a 15 hour shift) and then briefly when I came home before I went to the gym. Each conversation was normal, even a pleasant one here and there. Mostly about the kids. Nothing about the R, or Tuesday night's conversation. She did hit me with this: The motion picture the OM is making is going to star a famous heavy metal singer. The singer's band has asked OM to shoot their videos. He already has done one, now they are going to do another one. W is going to go to the shoot, but it involves an overnight. Obviously I am not happy about this. Given my circumstances, how should I approach this? I want to tell her I don't like it. Of course, in her mind it doesn't matter what I think. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again for your supporting me. Please continue to support me, including smacking me in the head with a 2X4 when necessary!
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
She did hit me with this: The motion picture the OM is making is going to star a famous heavy metal singer. The singer's band has asked OM to shoot their videos. He already has done one, now they are going to do another one. W is going to go to the shoot, but it involves an overnight. Obviously I am not happy about this. Given my circumstances, how should I approach this? I want to tell her I don't like it. Of course, in her mind it doesn't matter
I think you just tell her "Thank you for letting me know," and that's it. If she tries to go further and say anything about "nothing's going on," etc., then stop her and say "Look, I can't control what you do -- you're an adult -- but I'm not stupid, and we both know you're lying to me, so please just stop it," -- and walk away.
