I think there's more to it, too, than JUST the convenience factor... it can be so insidious.
"Hey, my old boy/girlfriend from college on FB!!"
"How interesting to be able to catch up and reconnect, I'm curious and we always had such great conversations."
"Wow, they're struggling with some of the same things in their marriage that I'm struggling with. We can encourage each other and share tips and vent."
"I can't remember the last time someone really understood me and loved me for what I am the way they do ..."
Slippery slope, y'all. And it didn't even necessarily start with evil intent on either side. Just too easy.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I still don't see anyone offering actual evidence that infidelity is on the rise. Ok someone quoted the Time article, but as I said before, who was taking statistics on such a thing in the past in order to make this comparison? People did it in the past but it was hushed. What about the Kinsey reports? I believe they pointed to a much different picture than one of total fidelity everywhere by everyone.
Also, what about presidents and politicians? They used to ALL have affairs and whores, but no one talked about it and truly, the American people didn't want to know. They were literally "allowed" this infidelity at no cost to themselves, because they felt (and other agreed they were) entitled. Reporters used to know the politicians were up to this stuff, but there was always a gentleman's agreement not to report any of it.
Then there are these days, it is no longer unsavory to report things like this. In fact, it makes great dramatic head line news so it is sniffed out at every turn. More and more, they are falling like flies as these politicians get caught in the act and are then shamed out of office.
The same men, 40 years ago, would have been protected by the journalists!
So...I still don't see anyone offering evidence that its actually on the rise. I think it is just out in the open more.
"Weeellllllll, FB and IM and SMS and mobiles makes it all easier."
Easier than what?
In my POV this is rather by way of being an example of what the late scholar Aaron Wildavsky once called the "tyranny of the latest thing" - a natural pathology of the human decision-making process where we project today back into the past and assume "our" time is ever-so-much-more-so.
In olden days - oh, the 1950s, say - there were bridge clubs and bowling leagues and lodges and block parties....and opportunities for affairs galore (Cheever, anybody?). And don't let's get started on milkmen and traveling salesmen and Fuller Brush men and office Christmas parties...
Though technology may make it "easier" in relative terms - after all, I'm lying here in bed with Themselves asleep next to me, in a hotel room near Big Midwestern City, pecking away at an iPhone, but I don't know that I would necessarily conflate ease-of-technological-access with will, desire, intent or even opportunity.
If I were to cast blame on technology as a cause of my STBXH's infidelity, I also would have to admit that without it we would have never met. Would I want to be living in the past without my blackberry, internet, and facebook? I don't think so. I have made some genuine friends from it that I would have never met otherwise. It is almost like everyone wants to put the blame on technology because it makes us feel better than to place the blame squarely where it should reside and that is on the shoulders of the WAS. Opportunity or not, they made the conscious decision to step outside of their marriage. They said I do and then didn't. I don't care what anyone else says. I can take responsibility for my part of where my relationship is, but I will never ever take responsibility for him stepping out and cheating. There is no excuse to lie and cheat on a spouse. NONE! If you are unhappy, get out. Be grownup enough to get out on your own. Don't be a wimp and glom on to someone else because you can't stand on your own damn two feet and say how you feel. I'm not bitter. Really I am not. LoL!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
There is no excuse to lie and cheat on a spouse. NONE! If you are unhappy, get out. Be grownup enough to get out on your own. Don't be a wimp and glom on to someone else because you can't stand on your own damn two feet and say how you feel.
Ahmen!!
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
There is no excuse to lie and cheat on a spouse. NONE! If you are unhappy, get out. Be grownup enough to get out on your own. Don't be a wimp and glom on to someone else because you can't stand on your own damn two feet and say how you feel.
Hallelujah, Raise the Rafters..
It takes two for a marriage to fall apart, often through worsening communication skills. Fear's Medusa head rising can plunk many an ostrich to bury theirs in the sand. "We're just weathering the storm."
Unhappiness and apathy go hand in hand, as does settling rather than actively reaching a compromise. We're all here because we're human and hurting. Our spouses are in the same boat. Our actions, their actions all cause hurt, many times irreparable damage.
Standing on my own two feet, pulling on my big girl panties means seeing both sides of the picture and letting it go.
Divorce sucks. Being emotionally and financially devastated sucks. Having a guy who chooses to have minimal contact with his kids sucks.
We shared twenty five years of the good bad and ugly. Unfortunately what was wonderful did not outweigh what didn't work for him. I'm glad for what we shared, the amount of time we shared and wish him well in the future.
Now it's my turn to face my flaws and embrace my strengths and live a life of growth, caring sans procrastination and caving to fears.
Nicely said Gypsy. It takes a fair bit of time and a lot of hurt to get here but it seems we all do eventually.
For me this does not mean the end of Dbing. For me I have learnt through Dbing that it is more about helping myself through this hell, it is about being able to appropriately angry and to have some better understanding of the WAS. I learnt so much about what not to do in my next relationship, I learnt how to have more respect for myself.
I also have learnt that my next relationship may indeed be with XH and if it is, then it will be here that I come to for guidance to get through the rebuilding process.
I'm not bitter. Really I am not. LoL!