H still in his black mood. All chat to my niece who is currently with us, minimal convo with me. And I`m still sweetness and light and clear about not initiating R talk and getting on with my life. Actually I`m very happy otherwise as there`s a lot of good stuff going on in my life anyway.
He is still sleeping with me which I`m glad about; it gives us the chance to reestablish physical intimacy with I feel would be helpful to us.
In fact my R goal this week was to have H initiate intimacy and that has happened! I don`t know if this is going to be a permanent reconnection or just a flash in the pan but I`m just happy to have us achieve that anyway.
I have gotten to the point of LRT where I can truly value the detachment, the GAL for me, the listening and validating what H has to say in R talk(I found that last part so difficult!) and am currently working on setting boundaries too.
I had an opening for boundary setting yesterday. I had realised at the weekend that H had stolen my cards from my purse.My card is on his acc and this was his way of stopping me using it even though he knows I use it VERY minimally. He is racking up the bill himself and burning up his c acc at the same time.He refuses to have a joint acc, has most of the savings in his name too and is being reckless with his spending(Not very, but not as careful as me IMHO.) Can buy exp concert tickets but is longfingering the electricity bill, for example) He refuses to have a joint acc. Just wants me to pay more even though I`ve nothing left over at the end of the month to pay anything extra. He knows that too as he can see my acc anytime online. Anyway, I knew that that in confronting him about the cards we`d get the money convo too.
Took a while for him to admit taking the cards. Usual tricks-got angry when I challenged him. But I stuck to my guns gently and told him I was 100 % positive he had. Then he admitted it and brought up the unpaid electricity bill. I established my position again-said I wouldn`t be paying it and that joint acc was the only way to go. He said that as we had our current system for the past 16 years we should stick we that but I reiterated that joint acc was what most couples did and that our old system clearly wasn`t working.
I asked him then if he stayed in a certain hotel in a recent trip away(There has been an OW in the past and trust in that area is hugely difficult for me). He denied it point blank. When I`d been ringing the cc company re my lost cards they had told me about this hotel and the bill for it coming through. I wasn`t alarmed then as it made sense of H to break his trip with an overnighter. Of course my alarm bell was deafening, though, when he denied staying the hotel.He denied and denied, eventually conceded-when I told him about the CC company call-that he had had dinner there. When I commented on how expensive the dinner was, he admitted to staying in the hotel. Said he felt odd staying there on his own and didn`t want to admit to doing something like that on his own... Yeah, I`m not sure about that one!
Somehow, that led to out intimacy issues. H brought up stuff which frankly, surprised me. But I LISTENED. And just said "Wow I never knew" as he told me about my problems in that area. Now I don`t believe ALL he had to say but I knew he needed to be heard so I SHUT UP and THANKED HIM for telling me that.(Please pass me an Oscar someone!)
Then H said "there are lots of other issues too of course"I agreed and didn`t elaborate(no point in dragging more stuff up at that point-one step at a time the only way to go and I know H needs to feel that we NOT reconciling even though I can feel a subconscious shift in the direction of the M).
I left the room first-excuse of tending to the kids(God Bless their hearts but they`d stayed out of the room for the hour;I think they knew Mum and Dad were having a serious chat and it does them good, I believe, to know that we can actually talk to each other on occasion!). Ten minutes later I was in our room and H initiated intimacy. I was just so thrilled. but unfortunately I had an appt in town and we couldn`t spend as long as I(we) would have liked.
I was home two hours later. H was gone when I returned and wasn`t back for another three hours. The usual mystery trip where he comes back in dark form(yeah, earlier intimacy forgotten) and doesn`t say where he`s been. I`d set enough boundaries for the day and didn`t confront him but was my usual pleasant detached self.
He`s gone home with the kids. Didn`t ask me along but said he would say that I had to stay because my niece is here. True enough-though she would be ok on her own here too, she`s 21.
H has a lotta, lotta issues. Particularly with his family of origin. He needs a therapist to help him through that but has chosen to work his own way through it(by blaming me, mostly!Sigh!) He finds it very difficult to be real with people, to be confident about his opinions, to know his own values, to accept responsibility. He is very confused IMHO about where he stands on everything. He has huge difficulty with friendship,with being open honest and loving with his kids, me and everybody else.He doesn`t know what he wants.
I know I`m ok. This board, my family and my therapist have been hugely helpful. I have my own issues-I`m very reactive,fiery,controlling, bullying, anxious, workaholic, needy,among other things. I`m working on making myself a better wife and mother by solving these problems.I know I can stand on the bank and watch H struggle in the deep water without my having to jump in.
Yesterday brought us a little closer together but theres a ton more to be done.
If you got this far in my post, well done you! and Thanks!
