A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[Deep]

Hi and thanks for all your replies again.

Sandi, wow. Ok, some of the things you said really hit me. But I guess it's good, at least here I know I get honesty in remarks even if they hurt like those by you and PDT. Let me try and answer what you posted.

The W likes money. Always has, still does. But she tells me she has learnt to moderate it, that there's more to life. When the A first broke and I snapped at her "I'm sure the money had nothing to do with your love eh?", she was very honest to reply that it was a big part for what happened. "Do you think I would be stupid enough to fall in love with him if he was just some working guy off the streets?" to paraphrase her. She married me when we had far less, but that's another story. Why did it seem like I handled it well? Well among other things , running my own biz means taking risks, and yes in that sense it was unstable, but I still brought home more than she ever did, year after year, even after her big time banking job took off. Especially when I started to stand up for myself, I decided I had nothing to be sorry for in that department.

And yes, the attention and pandering by a rich client that was respected (even feared) by her whole bank dept was another reason.

The sex thing. Yups. She said they kissed and petted. Yeah, right. 2 adults in a private pool at a spa with champagne and chocs. I bet.

The emotional blackmail. I have nothing to say ... the OD. Yes she OD'ed in front of me (very late) and I had to rush her to the ER myself the next morning. The sent message thing, I mentioned it once, and she slapped her head and said she forgot to reset it. I did not and am not going to bug her about it. It's demeaning.

The twisted part, I'm not sure I get your meaning. She got shocked, but I was not going to walk for someone else, I WAS tempted to walk away from the pain many times of course. I'm waffling (admittedly) on confronting on some things because so much has gone so well ... and I'm asking if it's worth risking it. Such a heavy price has already been paid to get here ...

The self esteem thing - well obviously. It's about the most humiliating and emasculating thing that can be done to a guy. And yes, she can be a good actress. Back when we were constantly tearing at each other, she told me bluntly "I'm a liar and a damn good one, you should know that by now". And yes she would do it for the kids, she really loves them and has ALWAYS been a great mum (except for the darkest period of her A). The word play between "love" and "care", ok maybe I did let out what I was feeling. She did tell me she was not in love with me, but cared for me, like she might care for the kids or her mum, but she won't miss them like OM, and the connection and "butterflies in the tummy" feeling was only with him. I hope I'm making sense here.

Now regarding me and "OW". No, there was never anything remotely sexual, not on my part, hands on my heart. Chemistry as in we really just got along very well. When I said "hooked up" I meant I contacted her (after a TOTAL cut off) when she texted me how bad she was sinking into pain and asked me why I'm not there for her to talk to. Even then, I did not meet her, I only spoke over the phone and texted.

When she flew in on that trip, we had dinner and drinks. We stayed in separate hotels, not just separate rooms. She had healed a lot faster it seemed and we were just talking about life and the decisions whether to D when a spouse strays. And that's it. No cuddling, no physical contact, period. I never thought of her romantically, and frankly even if I D then, I would NOT have tried to develop anything with her. Even more so now. We were friends and that's it.

Yes, I maintain there never was any EA, PA, any A on my end because I just wasn't in the mindset for it. But I did need support and someone to talk to. Talking to my close guy friends helped, but as a GUY there was only so much I could say without making the emasculation even worse. I could not talk to any of our families - I thought my Dad would have killed her and her Dad certainly would have. (they still don't know). It was clear we were having issues and MY parents screwed me over thinking I had an A, and I could not defend myself like I wanted to. Shitty, shitty, shitty situation I tell you.

I never hid the fact I was talking to "OW" from W. She knew, just not the details. There were no "secret" emails where we were being lovey dovey. It was like an email version of this board (which I wish I found back then). Talking to each other what my W or her H was doing, what we were doing to cope, just simply having SOMEONE to say how F-KED up we were feeling. Do you understand? Yes, I did not show these emails to W at first, just like I would not show my posts here to her, same reasons.

What W found were texts from "OW" when she was feeling down and details of how we were coping. W felt betrayed over me sharing stuff with "OW" that I was not sharing with her. ( I mean, what was I going to do for example telling "OW" I did not believe my W, that at times I just wanted to walk and forget the pain, the lies I kept finding in W's statements then, and how I intended to talk to OM and OMW?). These were things I could NOT tell W because of where we were but she felt cheated that I was essentially baring my soul to another woman. It's not like she found an "I love you" or "I miss you" EVER. From either of us. And when she freaked out, yes I gave her my passwords, turned my cell over, let her do whatever she wanted.

yes I could have been stupid, but the point is we never got to the point where it became anything like a real possibility. And we never will.

You're right about the ego though. I put my hands up on that. It took a huge beating and maybe it still is. Yups, taking for granted that women USED to find me attractive and that W used to be proud of that. I admit it helped my ego a lot to still feel attractive. Like I said, W told me about the "connection", which I've come to realise hurt a damn lot more. And the money thing was her admission as mentioned above. OM is not just rich btw, he is obscenely rich. I guess in a way, those memories of situations where OM got me to be present and engaged me socially is hurting like hell still. As unbiased as I can be (and yes I know I'm biased), he is really a hideous little man whom I disliked but had to be pleasant too as W's client. And the things he did to rub it in then ... I don't want to think about them, much less write them down now ...

Oh and W and I never lived together, I'm sorry I gave that impression. We dated for about 7 years. Yeah we "petted" in the traditional sense and stuff, but the sex thing was a line she could never cross. Whether the "can't live with what they're done" line is right or not, that is W feels.

You're also right about not feeling sorry for myself. But look, doing the "man" thing is actually not that difficult (in some parts at least). If I'm being weak in worrying about undoing the good that has happened and in harm that might come to W if I force issues ... well that's a weakness I have to think about how to address.