Thanks for being here and thanks for every post. I truly rely on the strength and power of this group to keep me honest and to keep me from going crazy! I am so sorry that anyone has to go through this but I do know that this journey shows you how many wonderful, caring people are out there - each of you so special and so undeserving of this roller coaster ride from hell.
Well, I am in Denver. I hesitated but felt I needed to get away and live for a few days in a normal real world and to be as fun and loving as I could to my family. H had wanted me to complete the financial D paperwork before I left Tuesday a.m. so he would mail that along with retainer fee for the attorney H choose. It did not happen for reasons to follow; however, I would not have done it anyway. Why? Because you all are right I need my own L and have no reason to simply trust H or to let H make me feel like a money grubbing, whore. I had told him Sunday night that I intended to contact an attorney and was not onboard with his idea of how to D. I also matter of fact told H that if he was so concerned with money we could D on our own (lots and lots of paperwork). H declared we could not D on our own because we had been married more than 8 yrs; however, I had done some initial research and I truly believed he was wrong.
Monday, day before Denver trip, H began the day with a chip on his shoulder and was quite hostile and grouchy. H started blaming me for stuff not getting done at work, etc. I had had enough, I told him that he could have taken care of it himself if it was so important and I was not accepting his blame. About an hour later H came into the room with tears running down his face. H looked so sad and broken. At lunch I found him laying in bed, still weeping. I sat next to him and asked him if he would be able to work or if I needed to cancel my trip. He said to go, I told him that I was very concerned with his mental state and told him for just a moment to trust me as his friend. I told him that he seems to be severely depressed and I think he is running away to try and get away from the depression but it would follow him. We have had this conversation before, but this time H said you may be right but it was just too late. H got up and left the room. I did not pursue, in fact, I just felt sad for him.
I had so much to do in the afternoon that I did not see H again until dinner time. H was still weepy. I told him I was going to run a couple of errands. I brought back some dinner and H was just sitting in the livingroom staring off into space when I got back. He ate like a maniac. I kept waiting for H to ask if I had finished the paperwork, etc. He layed on the couch just watching me go back and forth washing clothes, packing, etc. Again I found him weeping, I walked over to him and gave him a hug and just rubbed his back. I had so much to say but I kept it brief. I told H that I really did feel bad as his friend that whatever was going on inside him was causing so much pain. I had asked if he would consent to a doctor's visit to check his fluid levels. H indicated right away that he was not interested in taking any depression medication, etc. I told him I truly could not help him, he needed to come to the realization he is in crisis and needs to seek help or he will continue to feel like this and will end up if he continues his plans/path for the future worse off. I told him that couples do D and we have had so much between us that I did not expect any miracles at this point but again as his friend I was so concerned! I asked when I get back if we could get a mental health checkup and he just said snidely sure. H told me that I was the only reason that he was half the human being that he is and how the back rub had felt so wonderful, the power of touch so strong. Than I walked away to get ready for bed.
I was exhausted and sure enough just as I got up to leave H asks if the D paperwork was mostly completed. I said no and in fact was nowhere near ready. H replied no problem and I went to bed. H came back to bed shortly after and rubbed my back.
The next morning I was up early getting ready and picked up the D papers to move them off the kitchen table. I noticed the attorney retainer agreement was not signed but he had a blank check attached to it. My heart sank but I said nothing. BTW, H told me the day before he would not mail any paperwork or retain an attorney while I was gone. Of course, I want to believe him but a big part of me says stop being a chump. So I left and will not know until I get back Sunday. I am trying hard not to try and guess. But guess what cannot shut down my mind...
H took me to the airport and kissed me goodbye. H said I love you (no it was not romantic or bonding moment; in fact he was back to his indifferent self). When I got to Denver I checked in with my SIL and she remarked she had seen H on Sunday night at their mother's place and H kept asking questions of my SIL about her friend whose husband had left her and her kids for a younger woman two years ago. Neither of us knew what that meant if anything so I just let her know where I could be reached if anything came up. I checked my e-mail and had a note from my potential L that she would look over the financial paperwork when complete if I wished and I also rec'd an e-mail from my 4th District Court stating we could do divorce on our own (again stating much paperwork and probably going before a judge if we did it alone). I have not shared this information with H and do not intend to while on vacation. I have some hope but with him being so all over the place with his emotions I do not doubt there is a big possibility he will go ahead and retain an attorney while I am gone, even though he promised he would not.
I do want to detach and I know that is the step I need to take. What I do not know is if my H is playing me or if he is really starting to realize he cannot fix on his own what is happening to him. Or, if the time apart will just help solidify his plans and need to go forward. I can only imagine a man doesn't want to appear weak and needy so he will continue on the path of self destruction.
H has called me each night, very detached, but said at the end of the conversation love ya and to wish me a good time with family. I have been obsessing about what will happen when I get back. Will he acknowledge his depression or will he just go back to his old ways and start pushing filling out D papers again. I was driving myself nuts until I finally decided this morning that either way I have no control. Either way when I get back it will be a difficult road ahead. Best case scenario he admits he needs some help, worst case scenario he pushes D. I decided if he pushes D I will retain my own attorney no matter the consequences. I will also at that point tell him no more physical contact.
Does this match anyone else's experiences? If so, any advice or guess on his next move would be very appreciated. Does my plan on how to act when I get back seem sound or am I in lala land?
Thanks for listening, Chel
M 42 H 41 M 16 yrs. Together 20 yrs. No kids, 1 cat Bomb 5/16/09 Divorce papers in the middle of our lives just waiting to be completed...trying to detach
