God, maybe I'm just not emotionally mature to deal with this the right way, ever. I don't know what I want. I don't know what to say.
Although it is quieter, this still plays out in my head during every calm moment of my day - when I go to bed, dream, start to wake up...whenever my thoughts wonder.
And I don't want it to, anymore.
And it is hard to live with this failure, my failure. I want to stuff it away somewhere, and I can't, because I still have to deal with him.
I marvel at people who are able to detach, who can DB. Act as if none of it bothers them. How is it that those seemingly looser connections are the only ones who have a hope of surviving this, of reconciling?
Frustration. Tears again. damn it. I hurt, and I don't even know why anymore.
What is it that I am supposed to do, now? Smile and pretend that everything is great? Yay, my husband left me for another woman! Yay, now she wants to pretend that she is their step-mother!! Whoopie, now there are even more people to love my kids - aren't they lucky? Should I pack a picnic lunch for all of us to go out with, or maybe plan another family vacation that we can all go on again, just like old times? Who cares that the partners all got switched around, right? Aren't I lucky that I got to grow so much....I should go in there tomorrow and THANK him for doing this! What bravery he showed to be the first one to act on it! I was just a dolt for not seeing it sooner.
puke. I'm going to bed. unconscious seems to be a safer place.
