A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[sandi2]

Hi Deep,

I find it amazing at what the LBH's say on some of the posts to you. Maybe it's just me and I'm the bad guy here.....and that is certainly not my intent. I’m not sure why some things in this post jumped out at me, but something seemed a bit “off” when I read it. It was very interesting and I went back and read it about three times. I suppose I won’t make any friends by pointing these things out and my point is not to stir up more pain than you already have. I don’t want you to think I deliberately picked your posts apart to find things to say about it, but in trying to decipher it for myself; I cut and pasted some “issues” that seem to stand out to me.

I started out keeping all the quotes in the order but I may not have succeeded in doing that. However, I simply want you to try to see this from a different POV. In putting some things together, you may see that it looks a little different…and maybe some of the other LBH's will also. I wasn’t intentionally trying to take it out of context, but wanted you to see what I did.

First some things about your wife that doesn’t look so good (besides the lies, the affair, and of course the fact she’s still working with OM):

Based on your information, your wife seems a bit greedy……financially, or maybe I should just say she wasn’t “satisfied”, financially. Do you think she was attracted to OM b/c of his money or b/c of his attention to her and made her feel special in her profession? It was probably some of both. You “seem” proud of her but how did it make you feel for her to reach financial recognition when she had complained about your lack of financial provision? You sounded as if you handled that very well.

“my wife has always (and still) maintained all they did was pet, talk, hold hands, but I know better.”

When I first read this, I thought, “Yeah, me too, b/c what two adult people are going to “pet” and not have sex? (If “pet” still means what it used to mean!) Especially the man who has a sick wife and is looking for outside sex from an admiring female emotionally struck on him!

“she would scream at me that she would quit to get me off her back, but made it clear it would destroy her”

An emotional blackmail & threat.

“She also said she will keep it professional and avoid unnecessary contact.”

An emotional empty promise to get you off her back.

“She told me I would regret it if I broke the news to OMW”

Emotional blackmail

“But she told me if his wife found out, left him and got her fired by complaining to the company, I would “regret it.

Emotional Blackmail

“It took me weeks to get her to delete his number and their online contacts. However, they've kept in contact, and still are to this day. Reason being he is a major client in her portfolio.”

“that her phone still auto-deletes all sent messages.”

THIS IS VERY, VERY BAD!

“W attempted suicide before when I tried to force the issue.”

Therefore, she has you over an emotional barrel. This may sound cruel and maybe not pertinent, but how did you discover she took an OD? Were you with her at the time of the OD or did somebody call you?

“My wife really only woke up when she realized I may actually walk.”

But, I thought you said that “both” of you were ready to walk. If she woke up b/c you were going to walk…then she tried to OD… and now you are afraid to confront. It really does seem twisted, doesn’t it?

“How do I answer her when she says "Why do you focus on the pain we caused we each instead of moving on, and making me re-live what I did and rubbing my face in your pain. Isn't it enough that I tell you I love you and need you, regret what I did, and would never do it again? Don't trap me in what I want to leave in the past"?”

How do you answer? You tell her it’s not good enough and that you cannot live in a lie the rest of your life and that certain things have to be cleared and the truth must be brought forward. She is very selfish, here, in my opinion. She’d rather live in deceit than admit the truth to what she did. It is not fair to you, the MR, the kids, the future, or even her.

“a big part of why she stayed then was she could not bear to be seen as a home wrecker.”

“She has been trying very hard, throwing herself into being the fantastic mum she was again, doing things to please me”

This must be part of her self-deceit and/or living a lie.

“But that little voice inside keeps asking "Yes, but is this all really real?"

Do you think she might be that great of an actress? Could she string you along in order to keep A with OM? But, you said both of you were ready to walk out right before you went to Retrouvaille, so what would be her purpose in living a “lie”? Would she do that just for the kids?

Now for the part that might not make you look so good:

I wonder if there is a larger ego problem than you realize. You say you are attractive & fit and look younger than your age. You like the fact your W fits the same description. Maybe you just tell the facts as they are, but maybe all this is part of the “perfect package” to you…or maybe not. You saw your W as being the sweet girl next door who changes “after” she has A with OM. Spoils the perfect package. Your male ego is crushed b/c of her feelings, protectiveness and her choices of OM over you in the stitch. She would not do what you wanted and still will not do what is right. That is understandable, but does the source go deeper than “doing what is right”?

“she certainly knew I had chances to stray –“

“All I could do was cry and repeatedly whine "How could you?". Actually, the next 6 months hurt a lot more than the actual affair. I got the classic ILYBINILWY, a long list of the things I did wrong, and a million other hurtful crap. It was made extremely clear to me that she was in love with OM, and that she would stay only for the kids.”

“I look at the family we have and the W I seem to have won back”

“it's mixed up with my resentment over how I felt she protected him”

“It does eat at me that I know there were lies then that we've not cleared up,”

You seem to be afraid to confront her and force the truth.

“I have to ask if it's worth the risk.”

And, she knows she has you scared. She has you right where she wants you. Emotional Blackmail.

Then the entire paragraph telling how her OM pretended to be a social friend while all the time making moves on your wife was evident of your pain and how your male ego suffered. Again, that is understandable and I’m not finding “fault”, but pointing some issues out.

“But I can't put in words what it felt like when she told me after that she felt absolutely nothing for me, nothing when we kissed, and that just thinking of him set her off and we were having sex because she wanted him.”

Wow, sharp blow to the self-esteem!

“ and being in love with him and only "caring" for me. She cares very deeply for the kids”

It hurt you that she use the word “love” him but “cared” for you. However, you turned right around and used the term that she “cares” for the kids. Just thought that was....well, that you didn't notice the "word play" when you applied it.

Then the part about your OW comes out: (Yes, I said “your” OW)

Referring to OW:

“2 people with chemistry in our situation”

Sexual chemistry? Of course! At first you wanted to look as clean as Spic & Span, but by the end of your posts, I think more was coming out about how you were thinking of OW.

Referring to OW:

“I was not there for her and that the pain was very bad. I simply could not just leave her like that and we hooked up again.”

Hooked up again for how long?

Referring to OW:

“We spent the evening together (no sex)”

Can you see that this is almost as unbelievable as your W and OM “petting” and not having sex? Are you saying you two spent the evening together and there was no sex? (I'm not saying you "did" but trying to get you to see how unbelievable this could be!

“One day, W went into my computer and cell and dug up messages from my friend. Went completely nuts. Accused me of hypocrisy”

Must have been some juicy emails if she accused you of hypocrisy.

“made me open up all my emails”

“Made” you? How?

“And she refuses to take it as coincidence that my friend flew up to spend time with me.”

No kidding? Are you saying that you “buy” the idea that your what your friend did was a coincidence?? Come on, man! You really aren’t that naïve! You “do” remember this statement, right?
Referring to OW:

“I flew outstation for a work trip and she also took the same trip, saying she had work there too.

Referring to OW:

“but I don't think I had anything close to the EA she accused me of”

But I bet your W thought differently! I know what "I" would have thought if it had been my H and he had spent the evening with OW on a trip that was just a coincidence and then I found a bunch of email from OW talking about wanting to have an affair! Get real, man! Are you that blind? Are all the LBH's here on this board that blind that they can take this W to the slaughter house but they can't see what YOU were doing? Oh, I am sure it will be "justified" since your wife was a THE WW!!

“but the irony was that I was to cut off all contact with her.”

Well, if she can “make” you open your emails, I guess she can “make” you cut off all contact. You poor little thing.

“

W told me much later that it shook her that this could actually happen. I didn't go looking for it, but sometimes I do wonder what if it hadn't? W is keeping tabs on my communications with her.”

OKAY, LBH's THERE IT IS RIGHT THERE IN BLACK & WHITE. READ IT FOR YOURSELVES! Hummmmm, what can I say? But, you don’t think it was an EA……right? At any rate, we see who wears the pants in the family! Sure glad W is keeping tabs on your communication since you still wonder “what if.”
You know, I try real hard to be fair and unbiased on this board, but sometimes........I could really, really get ugly and the mood is about to hit me! It's okay for you to sneak around with emails, and talking to OW.....but by God your W better not keep any secrets!

“When it's a gamble, you have to be prepared to lose, and I am not going to through that hell again.”

Huh? Which part of the hell are you referring to? The part about W’s EA or you wondering “what if” about your friend?

“I probably will talk to OMW at some point, probably before I confront him.”

Ohhh, “that” hell.

“Yeah, the trust thing, as much as our new closeness feels so good, there is that bit of doubt. Lies and lack of transparency is making it hard to really embrace what we have 100% now. That's not fair to the kids.”

You think?

“ there's really nothing to hide.”

Oooooo

Referring to OW:

“My friend was a great source of comfort and support, and that's as far as it went. I was very careful not to cross the obvious lines. Specifically, no kissing, touching, hand holding, and all meetings in busy public places. Yeah, we were both vulnerable and if it had gone on, maybe we would have been stupid.”

(Heavy sigh) You "think" there was a possibility you could have been stupid, huh?

“And I told W EVERYTHING and gave full access to emails, texts, everything.”

Well, yeah, after she “made” you open them!

“It's something that still disturbs me - endless "what ifs" haunt me.”

So, you are "still" thinking about "what if" with your "friend" or just how did you mean that?


I think this is a lot of what is really eating away at you, Deep:

“I took pride in working out and was a ripped gym rat at the time of the A. OM was a short, flabby 50 year old but as W put it - it was never about looks, but the "connection". The money couldn't have hurt either I guess.”

“My counselor told me "No right or wrong answer, Deep, you want your marriage or your ego?". Still wasn't easy.”

I think there may be a difference in “Pride” and self-respect. Self-respect or self-esteem is good and it’s necessary. Pride, in the sense of being arrogant is not good and it has no place in a MR. I don’t think many M’s will last for years down the road if there is pride. We have to swallow our pride in order to forgive the one who hurt us. You felt hoodwinked by this A your W had with this old, fat, man—who you could have put to shame in the “looks” & sexual department. What on earth would a beautiful, young, sexy, professional woman, such as your W, want with a man like him? How could she choose that man over you? It had to have been his money! At least that seems to be the only logical answer you could come up with, right?

“I would have preferred her to just be honest about it. But I know she can't. She is actually very conservative at heart; in our 7 years of courtship, I respected her decision not to have sex. She can't live with what she has done.”

Something about this just doesn’t sound right. It doesn’t “fit”. First of all, she is not that “young, sweet girl next door any longer. Maybe the two of you “did” go 7 years of courtship without sex, but didn’t you say the two of you lived together outside of wedlock? And, now you say she is conservative at heart? What do you mean she can’t live with what she’s done? People who chose to have A’s don’t get off that easily by saying they “can’t live with what they’ve done”. All adults have to live with their sins! (Notice I did not say “mistakes”.) I think she has blackmailed you until you are running scared b/c you are afraid she’ll try to hurt herself again. So, once again your ego is taking a beating.

Well, I got more emotional than I meant to as I got into all of this. I do hope you will try to stop feeling so sorry for yourself and start being the "man" you need to be and stop letting your W emotionally blackmail you. Think about the fact that "you" could have been the one who had an A. In fact, you came very close to it ......and still thinking about "what if".