Help! I can't stop spying

[needinghope]

Hello, I need help.

You can look for me under newcomers to find out more about my situation. I wish I knew how to link it, but I don't.

I've come to you guys because my H is insisting on privacy now that we are separated. I have no choice but to comply, but it is driving me nuts. We are working things out, but he needed space for a bit. As it turns out, I am finding the space helpful as well. One thing that I'm having trouble with though is my obsession with electronic monitoring. He was an open book as far as granting me full access to all email, phone, ect accounts for over a year and a half. But now, he has created at least 2 known email accounts and has switched his phone service from our family plan to his own plan.

His affair was mostly carried out through phone and email contact. Since the initial revelation of the affair, he has reconnected with her 3 times. All online. I realize that my monitoring doesn't keep it from happening, but it did afford me the opportunity to address the reconnections immediately. Otherwise, who knows how long it would have gone on? I know that monitoring doesn't really give security. People today can live 2 completely different lives with the help of technology. But, monitoring was SOMETHING I could do to gain a sense, be it a false sense, of control.

The control that it gave me was over his accountability. He had to answer my questions and we came to a lot of realizations that way. He isolates as a coping mechanism, so asking him to be accountable to someone else doesn’t seem likely. We do not want to divorce, but he does want his privacy. Privacy is something I am not comfortable giving. He is willing to discuss our impasse with our C, but he is convinced I will only be happy with getting my way 100%. As much as I have told him that I will be satisfied as long as I know he is accountable for his actions, I cannot think of other ways to accomplish that.

I need your advice on this. What am I missing here? And be assured that I know the obsession with monitoring is never good, and I am willing to rid myself of it. But, I cannot do that without something else in its place.