A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[Deep]

Hey everyone, thanks so much for your replies. I really, really appreciate them.

God, this is bringing back so many bad memories of what it was like the first 6 months post A ... and I really thought I was in a better place, just disturbed at a gnawing uneasiness that I put down to jealousy / detachment.

DanceQueen, can I ask you a question? During the times when you and H were trying to work things out, and as you said, trusting in your love to carry it thru, would you say you were back in love with H, re-connected with him, and had the best intentions? You were disgusted with OM (and this is hitting a red flag becuase it is exactly what W is saying), in what way did his presence cause a D eventually?

Sara, thanks for all your suggestions. To make it clear, I WANT my marriage. I want the happy family I had before the nightmares started. That is my first priority.

GH: I definitely agree that at least in the initial stages, W would have found any excuse to stay in touch with OM. My (stupid?) thought is that we have re-connected and that has changed, it's just for work now. Since discovery, there are 2 things that stand out after reading the replies here.

1) About 4 months after A - so when W is still in love with OM and a passive/agressive sitch at home - a text came in while she was in the bathroom. I looked and it was OM. This was after the agreement to cut all contact except work related. Blast me if you want but I could not help but open the text. It was anything but work related. It was obviously a "middle" text from the phrasing, not a stray opening text, like the middle part of a text conversation / exchange. It said something like "hey darling, yeah I was busy checking in, catching my flight to <city> and sitting in the lounge. Missing you and see you soon." I left out the emoticons. I went nuts. I called his home and left a message for OMW that her H was having an A with my wife and to call me back. W tried to stop me but she I was too angry to listen. She claimed she did not know what he was doing, tha she did not text him and it must be a mistake. She sent off a text to him asking him to stop texting her. He then replied saying: "what text? I did not text you. Sorry must have made a mistake".

Some days after that, he apparently called her and told her they agreed to leave their families out of it. I know because I intended to meet OMW. She told me to leave things be, and like I mentioned in a previous post, that if I chose to tell OMW, and they get D, plus she gets shamed and fired at work if OMW complains - I would regret it. I admit what I did was weak, but I backed off. I of course burned inside the one phrase particularly "If he is free of his M, and angry at you, and comes after us, I'm telling you you'll regret it". Ok, I feel sick admitting how weak I was, but I backed off.

2) Every now and then, I would ask if she has talked to or met OM. Mostly she'll say no, until more probing pisses her off and she'll flare and say "Yes, he is my client, of course I'll have to talk to him at times. What? Do you expect me to report to you EVERY time he calls and what we talk about for work?" With the implication that this was so childish and impractical. But she'll try to reassure me that they hardly talk, that he has been decent and does not call unless necessary, and they only talk work.

At a CORE session, she even mentioned how the fact that I've laid off and don't question her any more made her feel much better and less stressed out and trusted. I did that for me ... I would have gone nuts if I obssessed about them talking / meeting.

I think I know what I have to do. It's simply how I deal with the risks and consequences ...