WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

All,

I do "hear" all of you with respect to dropping the rope, detaching and having minimal interactions with her and fully appreciate and respect what all you have said. I especially like/understand Wifey's analogy of treating her as a friendly neighbor.

I have been trying to monitor to what's been working. Not from her words but from her actions. This week was the first week where she asked about doing dinner together (before my 7 year old's soccer game and tonite). I'm not reading more to it than it was just a logistical convienience, but this had been one of my goals, to have her ask for us to do things together as a family. I know she could have easily just met us at the soccer game and/or picked up the kids right after work (without going to dinner) like she has in the past.

Even tonite, she was wearing higher heels than normal so when she was standing, she was several inches taller. When I remarked about it, she was standing in front of me, bodies touching and then she leaned in to touch noses, with a very quick peck on the lips. Not sure if it was the pitcher of beer that we had shared during dinner, but it was still surprising.

So is this cake eating, enabling or softening or what? I don't know. Again, I'm not reading into it any more that an event.

What I have gathered, from reading other people's threads and what WAW's here had commented, she is not like most WAW's.

I have for the most part been doing the dark/dim part of not calling. I know I have been sucked into a couple of the relationship discussions over the last several days. I have noticed that we get into those and then something "happens". I'm not sure if it's a coincidence, correlation or causation, but in the most recent case, she hasn't worn a ring since. I've got to pay closer attention to avoid these relationship discussions, but feel from the input I've gotten here, I have a better arsenal now to fend off a relationship discussion attack

Personally, she may be feeling some angst about how the only job interview I have gone to so far has been over 2 hours away. I know she notices that I don't call her as she has commented about how I should/could call her, if I wanted to.

Then again, these are all things that I could just be imagining in my head, as Sandi had mentioned before, I am still blinded by love.

What's interesting, is that I feel a little more detached this week than I have in the past. I know I've had some angst this week of her not wearing a ring, but it was more of beating myself up of making a comment about it than her not wearing it. So far this week she hasn't worn it and she's seen that I've worn mine (except on Monday nite). Maybe it's sentimental or what, but I have decided I will wear it unless the divorce becomes final.

I've had a couple of girls comment to me about why I still wear it as they think I should stop, but it's my personal decision as I am still fighting for my marriage.

We did have a good dinner tonite. We did talk and laugh about various things. She wound up being cold again (it was actually really cold in the resturant to the point where I had to go back out to the car to get jackets for the kids as well as a sweatshirt for her). We went through the rubbing of the back (under her shirt) and the grabbing of her butt (under her panties) like we had during breakfast on Sunday. This time, she made a comment about how her hands were really warm though and grabbed mine to show me. She left her hand there for a bit as we held hands like we used to before her divorce bomb in Jan.

So I'm not going to read into this any more than we had a good evening out with the kids as we shared a pitcher of beer over a 2 hour dinner.

She has the kids tonite as I have to leave early to go to the job interview but will be back in time for the soccer game tomorrow nite. She did ask me to call her to let her know if I would be back in time for soccer/dinner.

So I guess, getting back to a question of is it working? I can't say. It seems like her actions are softening compared to several weeks ago, where she didn't want to do things together nor would she even ask for a hug. Now she still says she wants a divorce as she doesn't want to be my wife and has said that she doesn't want to spend time with me/us and has stopped wearing a ring. So does this match what has happened this week? Very confusing.....

Now if I go extreme dark or stop being friendly when we are together, will that help or hurt? I do agree that she will be angry and upset. So will it drive her to point of wanting to work on her or our marriage? I don't know. I do think that she is trying to work on herself through the self help books and videos that she is watching. While I may not agree with what she is reading, I do treat it as no differenet than any of us reading 5 Languages of Love or No More Mr Nice Guy or Bondaries or DR/DB.

So respect to what I'm doing, I'm continuing to work on detaching and dropping the rope and getting a life so that I will be ok whether the divorce is busted or not. I do like what how someone posted that this is where I am working on me to be ready for the next marriage. It's just that my wife doesn't know/think that it will be with her. Either way, I will be a better person and be ready to make it the marriage that both of us will be happy.

I am going to stop the pursing behavior that I have backslid into. Although it's hard to say backslide as I hadn't really stopped it, except for that short period where I became a cold jerk when I was doing dark/dim wrong. I will stop any relationship discussions with the arsenal that you all have armed me with. I have actually pretty much worked through the forgiving myself part (I had really stuggled with that several weeks ago).

I know that if it comes down to it, I can clearly look my boys in the eyes years from know and say that I tried everything that I could have to save the marriage. I am man enough to take responsibility for my part of the marriage and have learned from it to become a better person, father and hopefully husband.

Now have I dropped the rope and detached enough to call her on this separation/divorce, I know I am if we didn't have kids. Right now, I'm afraid that it seems like too much of a hail mary risk to take for the kids. Although, this may come to a head if I wind up getting a job where I will have to move. Now I know regardless of where I move, I will still see my boys on the weekends. But I do feel that it would be the final nail in the relationship with my wife.

Thanks again for all sharing your wisdom and 2x4's. I do appreciate your time and support.

I'm not giving up, but feel that either way this goes, I will be a btter person and father for it.