Yay!!!!! Finally a new thread.

[25yearsmlc]

A/K,

(Sigh)
Be grateful for the clarity you feel now. It's a gift. Seriously.

His request for money from your parents, again, is um...ahem, "remarkable"...(how's that for a euphemism?)
He sure isn't "getting it" is he? No I guess he's not getting it. So you have to.

For the recrod, let's discuss the GAL. Can any of it lead to moolah$$ down the road? Go after the jobs that are most likely to lead to something like that, first. It's not "selling out" it's being grown up and not giving up your dream at all. Just arrange the order of pursuing which dream first, etc. And you would feel so much better I think, if you knew you could
support yourself. I KNOW YOU WOULD. We both know that financial insecurity is a HUGE part of your m's problems AND your fear of getting a div. Interesting bind you find yourself in but I'm telling you there are ways out.

What does your cousin the div L say about how you'll do financially? Compare how "fine" you feel now...not.

And don't forget the "ticking time bomb" analogy to your h's approach to money, which was earlier posted. It's a good analogy. Your h might be clueless about how it feels to you OR more likely, he just doesn't care much about it. I am ALMOST amused at how proud he was of his "success" in decreasing the payment amount AND tells you this as if you should praise him and then asks you for money from your parents!! Yikes!
And your h will not become financially savvy, he doesn't fit that profile.

Financially speaking, he acts selfish and sloppy and this is not new behavior, is it? You have never approached money the same way and perhaps some of your controlling attitude was b/c he lacked any control. I mean if we're into the blame game, you can give him some of that too.

I'm big on staying in the moment A/K. You made mistakes in the past and you won't make the same ones again, correct? Okay let's assume so, and move on...so when your h brings up past stuff, tell him to stay on track and solve AN issue or ONE problem like whatever you are then discussing. He hurls out old stuff b/c he knows that as of today, he's the problem. NOT YOU. So keep that in mind when you go down the "blame myself for his crap" mode and shut off that inner critic. It's not helping.

You may need to file for div, and later on see how the bills go and whether you need to file for bkrutcy, OR if your parents can help you then? I mean if you are going to ever borrow from them, I'd say don't do it til he's out of the picture. Geez,
why should HE benefit? If you div, you will need to list the debts and assets and that means all of them. Maybe your cousin knows more and he surely knows your h and I don't. But ask him about what to do financially speaking, with the assumption you do NOT STAY married. I say that so you can visualize some financial stability.

As for the anger...yi yi yi. I recall our electricity almost getting cut off when the fires were near and we were packing the car for evacuation...and I called h "up the road" by 300 miles, and he asked if that would hurt his credit rating and I asked him if he was kidding. Silence...but in our case, I know for a fact that people in his family and our circles did tell him he was being selfish. And He was embarrassed as this was a first time thing. I'll give my h credit for always taking care of our money--I think he's too cheap/thrifty and I am the one who manages investments, but he has not ever wasted money on himself. Usually takes his shoes in for repair, rather than buying a new pair, literally. (I didn't even know you could get shoes fixed til I met my h). So when the bill wasn't paid I knew something was really weird with h. But I took over paying the bills and thanked him for paying them all these years. That was a big 180' for me. We do struggle with different approaches & money can stress us too. A lot of couples are like that.

Thing is, you are not making it now. You are getting behind and your h isn't dealing with it - b/c you are. (I'd want to switch phone numbers if I were you.) Can you get some work, without hurting yourself vis a vis the div? I know you are not sure yet but let's hypothesize for just a minute...let's say you know you are getting ready for the possibility of a div. If you were to suddenly get a great paying job, even though you were still on "newbie probation", that could hurt you financially -in the div, b/c if your h says "Oh she makes almost as much so I'll only have to pay 'x' now"...that could hurt you.

So balance it all out and get the jobs you can writing, and hope they lead to paying work down the road when he's out of the picture. You'll meet new people and that leads to good things. Imagine how it would be to get a set amount due from him with a divorce decree and if he has some wages garnished to pay off the debts-it's NOT your problem and you won't be getting calls from creditors anymore. How nice would that be?

Try hard to imagine the good things that you know would come out of being free from him; the constant financial concerns, dealing with the idiotic requests for parental loans, the texts that trigger, the "stop by whenever" moments, the sexual "jokes", the bragging, the whining, the sudden needy calls for you to lift up his ego, the grandiose nature of his "plans", the OW, the blame game he plays - no matter how obvious it is that it an issue is clearly on him, and and and and...

Blaming you for spending too much...so, does this mean he isn't doing that anymore? How would you know? If he is still spending too much, how's that your responsibility? NEVER MIND we don't want to know!! This is an example of engaging in his blame game and we have to remember NOT to care about his delusions and the whole 'you are a purple lesbian' claims he can make if he wants. His data isn't real so it doesn't matter.

You are at the point of awakening. You see the negatives of the M to him all over and around you, and you are starting to think there might be a positive just by removing the negatives and that's true. If nothing else, some peace. And down deep, you know there is more out there for you. Good things await.

Your anger is totally reasonable but it can consume you. You'll need to learn ways of not letting it. Have you tried the book "Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson? There is also a new book called "Advancing Your Spirit" by her and Wayne Dyer which I found very interesting, particularly her sections. Helpful and relevant to this time in your life and how productive it can be now that you won't care so much about what someone thinks of you or your course of action.

You will need to find ways of letting go of the anger. But a lot will improve if you get free of him. Sorry to say this but I just don't see a choice here. Gotta end on that note for now. Sorry. But most of the advice you are getting deals with either you doing this, moving on, OR you somehow trying a new technique for "reaching" him. I don't understand wasting more time trying to "reach" a man who left you and the kids months ago and contacts you whenever HE feels like it and OR wants money
from your family or (see things that will improve, in my list above) says one of those things that drive us all crazy to read.
So I am trying to prepare you for another route, a route to peace and growth for YOU and the kids...

((( j )))

PS Sorry this is so long!