Well, I'm just going to let out how f*cking angry I am right now and it is something I will have to work on.
H called very excited about having worked out a settlement with a law firm (regarding one of his credit cards)...he wanted to know if I would ask around (my parents) for help paying it!!!!!!!!! The health insurance hasn't been paid, nor my car payment and I have credit card companies calling me incessantly and he wants me to ask my parents to pay off his debt???????????????? I f*cking lost it on all fronts. Yes, everyone, I lost it. Sorry, I suck.
He wanted me to give him props for shmoozing a settlement out of them (sure he used his heart-wrenching impending D)...
What am I most angry about? Aside from the part about my parents; that for how many frickin years have I been trying to get him on board with handling this??? I told him that I believe my parents would have preferred that he thought about handling this BEFORE leaving their daughter and grandchildren!!! He said he couldn't have done it without leaving (you know, because it was me that was making him overspend on himself!!!)....I hate it. I hate that I loved him so much and tried so frickin hard for so long and that he makes EVERYTHING negative about me and our M. It pains me in a way I can't describe.
I did things I so regret in our M. I was neurotic and controlling, reactive and moody in many ways. Toward the end, I was so much like some of the Ws in Thinker's and Stuck's sitches. I read their threads and I think what the hell was wrong with ME???
But, I guess I didn't have an H who was willing to step up like they are. Man what I would give...anyway...
As for my GAL, I have wonderful opportunities presenting themselves. Unfortunately none will likely generate much income right away but they are writing opportunities and I am so excited. I also have some new friends and some older ones reconnecting and I feel enthusiastic about that. I am still exercising and am waiting for assignment on some volunteer work and have been thinking about checking out a Buddhist temple in the area.
My mind however just swirls with this and all of the variables, money, kids, emotions etc.
There are peaceful moments, there are moments I see the beauty of being D from H. And still, I can't really envision ever being rid of him unless he dies unexpectedly (not wishing, just saying that is really how I feel).
How is it that I can feel responsible for turning him into this beast?
Aaaaargh. Can someone please give me permission to go on facebook and comment on Hs page??? Anyone????
25- I'm here. I'm reading. I'm paying attention. I must tell you. People have to grow and feel it under their own skin to "get it."
Just as the WAS are so hard to get through to, some of us have to wiggle our way out of some nasty foggy insidious mindf*ckery to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
For what it is worth, it helps to have you back on my thread.
