Yay!!!!! Finally a new thread.

[25yearsmlc]

Amen to coach and your c's comments.

A lot of earlier posts from yesterday dealt WAY too much, imho, with what the hell is going on with your h, or someone' else's, and whether he'll feel guilt later or does now and is projecting it. BLAH BLAH BLAH!

For the 456th time, this is now, ALL about you and your kids. Your h is the cause of some pain and strife in your life. Yes. But we already know that AND we know we have no control over what he feels or says or thinks or projects and soooo much energy keeps getting diverted back into a totally fruitless discussion. EVEN if you could read his mind, you could not change it.

Also, we are not always "half" the reason. Though we play a role in the problems of our marriage, and though it takes two people to make a m work, sometimes it really does just take ONE to end it. Besides, you already owned and apologized for your role in the problems and problems being worked on, are no longer problems. If anything, your h has gotten more self absorbed and certainly has not come home. He has had the time to "make this right" and he chose not to. Instead, his course has persisted and he is still not home. And he isn't "getting it" and NOW that he can live for free somewhere else and doesn't have to "borrow" money from YOUR father... he feels even better about himself (I don't care AT ALL if that is "real", or a sham for his deep insecurities, b/c what he does is all that counts now...actions...the way he treats you...is all that matters...no more time for mind reading or guessing or wondering- blah blah blah x 70987!!)

But he says all is well now, b/c now he can mooch off some semi-celeb's home and stay there instead of living with you and the children HE is the father of.
"Gee, Wow, Great job H!! I sense SO MUCH GROWTH THERE! THANKS for HELPING OUT!!"

A/K, I'm glad you are seeing a good c and I know you are ripe for using the tools he'll give you. Thank GOD! He may be just what you need now. As for not texting anymore...hope it works for a whole week. (Sorry but yes, I am smirking, but at him!)

You do of course have the option of simply not reading the texts if he doesn't have the kids. Tell him to type out "911" if it's an emergency and if it is not an emergency, don't read it. If he misuses the "911" line, don't ever answer again unless he has the kids with him. What message does he have to get thru to you right then and there that he cannot pick up a phone for? And if he's goofy on the phone, tell him to call when he's ready for an adult conversation and hang up. If he tells you that you lack a sense of humor, tell him he doesn't know the difference between humor and cruelty, that he lacks the insight that usually comes by age 12. And if he tells you that you are a purple lesbian who is color blind or that HE is the leader of the free world and a musical genius....do you see that you spend too much giving a s*** what he says? Who cares? Laugh off his weird commentary and tell him THAT IS FUNNY! (to PROVE how much of a sense of humor you have) and hang up! No one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to listen to the crazy narcissist you married who lives somewhere else, again...

I think the texting will be a boundary you will have to set and enforce or the mind f*** will continue. You can stop them. I have a feeling he won't stop them. Not on his own.

Good luck, and btw, any thoughts about GAL for you? And have you tried to visualize the positive possibilities of being single, or truly free of him, yet? One would be a lessening of the mind f*** AND maybe even the cessation of them. I think you'll find OM someday. And you'll have the tools for spotting someone with a smart heart and mind, and guess what?

THEN You might even get and keep that family dream you have. Ever wonder about the possibility that this whole crazy time, if it ends the M, might be a gift in the long run? A blessing well disguised, but a blessing nonetheless? God knows my older sister is so much happier now than she would have been if her h had come home, again. Like your h, he cheated at least twice on her and claimed "it didn't really count b/c blah blah blah" and whatever. So now she is remarried, and in a pretty normal M with a guy who thinks she's beautiful and great, not "aging or getting plump". He Does things for her without her asking, and NEVER rolls his eyes at her requests, or acts as if she has made a huge demand on him when the car has a flat tire. He just rushes to help and changes the tire, and asks if she's okay, etc. Her first h would have cursed the whole way about the inconvenience, or wondered why HIS work was interrupted....maybe not to her face, but you'd KNOW HE had been inconvenienced....and she'd be nervous calling for help. There was always the question of what mood her h would have when he came home and THAT decided the happiness level in the family of 5 people. That's so unfair and unhealthy.

Yes He broke her heart leaving her with 3 kids, but he also freed her. Two years later she met OM and now OM is her 2nd h. And she's happier. In her case, her exh DID wake up but that does NOT matter. What matters is ONLY that SHE is happier. Spend NO time on whether your h will get it, wake up and change or come back or if he does, whether his changes are real or will last. That is a waste of time. If any of that happens you can address it then but for the forseeable future I would make ALL of my energy and focus be on making me and my kids happier and more secure. That cannot be done constantly looking over your shoulders and wondering what it will take to get thru to him. NO BOOK has that answer. I'm sorry.

Your h will listen to you IF AND WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT...and he doesn't and he hasn't and this is not the first time he has broken his vows or your heart. SO, the question ONLY YOU can answer is, will it be the last time?

Be strong. You can do this. You have to.
xoxo
j-