desperate...

[motoB]

Im brand new here, but have been lurking and reading off and on since dec. Ive been married for 12 years, and have a 10 year old D with her and a 15 year old S that I have custody of from my past. Weve been having problems since dec. Im in a bad situation now though. My wife filed for divorce last week and I was served on thurs, and also put a protective order against me keeping her from her and my daughter. In the order she alleges that I sat on her, pulled her hair, blocked her from leaving and threatened her that shed be sorry if she left. She also alleges that she thinks Id hurt our daughter to get back at her.
ok, now I have never done these things, or even considered hurting my wife. I was over bearing, controlling and very insecure. I did ALL the bad things like begging, pleading, compromising to the point that I drove her away, and lost myself in the process. During these last few months I continually badgered her untill it came to a point sunday(31june09) I found some stuff from her lawyer, and she had been lying to me saying she hadnt been to one. We got into a fight, but by this point, and for the last few months, anytime I tried to get answers about us or things pertaining to us she would go silent or tell me she had nothing to say. This drove me nuts and made me more insecure and inturn made me push harder. Anyway, we got into it about the lawyer, and I simply told her that even I was at a breaking point, she wanted to leave and go for a ride. This is how she always handled us fighting she would leave for hours... presumably to pray, cry, and think. I walked her to her car and told her calmly and civil like, that I was tired of the lies, and I felt like she wasnt trying in the marriage(because she had been avoiding our counseling appts for well over a month)and that I wanted her to not come back if she wasnt coming back to be honest and try. She agreed, I kissed her and told her I loved her and she left. She returned that morning about 5am, she had been gone since about 10:30pm, I thanked her for coming back and assured her that I was done with all the questions and conflict. She got into bed with me snuggled up and went to sleep. She got up and went to work. she sent me texts throught the day saying I love you and having smiley faces. I havent seen stuff like that in probably a year. I thought wow! I even showed them to our daughter and she was happy. That night she came home and we hung out for a while made love then went to bed. The next morning she took our daughter to her parents who live a few hours away without me knowing. At lunch she called and told me that she did it, but said it was so we could be alone. She said she didnt tell me cause she didnt want me to get my hopes up, and then it fall thru and let me down. I felt strange about this but kept to my promise of no conflict and no questions. She came home to me that night, we had dinner together and enjoyed each others company very much, then even went to bed and made love. The next day much of the same... good sweet contact thru the day, then we met at a friends house for a BBQ. Already our daughter had been calling wanting to come home. She never really stayed away from us. So my wife was talking of going up getting her. I had been saying WE and US can go get her... but I knew thats not what she wanted. So I pulled her aside at the BBQ and told her to go alone and enjoy the 4th of july with her family. This was hard for me and way out of character, and I saw what looked like a tear in her eye. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she knew it made me sad. I told her that this was just the begining of the new me, and that I wanted to make her happy. We returned to and enjoyed ourselves at the BBQ. When we went home I checked the mail and she went in the house. In the mail was a letter from her lawyer asking for signature to proceede with divorce, she had filed on Monday, the same day that I got all the loving texts and things. I carried it in to her, and as I walked in she looked up at me smiled(lovingly)at me, that part I will remember for the rest of my life! I handed her the letter and told her the D papers are here. She said "WHAT?" and took them and looked at them, and then she said "on no" almost sadly. She then grabbed her keys and said I have to leave. I told her she didnt have to sign the papers and she said she would think about it and call me in the morning. In the morning I got served. She has told me, some friends(and even my boss) that she thought I needed help, and maybe if I concentrated on me, and after I did that maybe things could change. Is there truth to that? why the last few days of making me think everything was good? Im a wreck. I miss them both so much. I cant talk to them or see them in any way form or fashion. Since that day Ive done lots of self discovery, and realized that she used to tell me that I had to control everything, and that I was over bearing. I didnt see it. Now I do. I acknowledge this... and Im in counseling already for it. But now what? How do I reach her? How will she know? Right now she probably thinks that I still dont get it. Thats what she would say to me. Id ask her why are we fighting, whats wrong with our marriage and her answer was always the same, you just dont get it. Now I get it Please help me cause I already started on a 180 and thought it was going somewhere. Why did she do those last days like that? How can I show her Im changing without looking like Im controlling again. I have a lawyer now and they think the protective order will be dropped because theres nothing to prove any of her allegations, and for good reason. I hate this cause I know I drove her away, and all I can figure is that she knew I would never agree to seperation, so she forced it on me. I also dont think that another man is involved. I do know that her parents are pushing her to do this though, and they are very influential in her life. Anything anyone could say to help will be great...
thanks
B

[bluerain]

How do I reach her? How will she know?

You dont reach her, thats how she will notice. I know it seems counterintuitive, but by not contacting her you show that you are trying to not be controlling. You can also use this time to work on your 180's and to focus on you and rest a little bit from this emotional rollercoaster.

Have you read the books? The advice in them will work if you can carry it out. If she does contact you, dont jump on it. Take some time getting back to her, as long as its not an emergency or about your daughter. Do not try to contact her, no calls, text, emails, or smoke signals! Wait patiently to hear from her.

Can you think of some more 180s? Or a hobby that you have always wanted to take up? Keep yourself busy, is there a getaway that you and your son can do? These changes are for you, if you make them for your W, they wont last. If you make them for yourself, they will be forever, and they will benefit you in your M, or in a future relatioship, should this one not work out.

Im glad to hear that the protective order probably wont stick. You should check out DCBHM's thread over in the infidelity forum, he had a similar thing happen in his situation. Things will get easier, maybe they'll get harder first, but I promise that they will get easier. Make sure that you always do the right thing, take the higher ground. If you always do that, you will be able to look back on this an feel good about your decisions. And dont forget, you have a 15 year old boy that you are teaching about the importance of committment and marriage and family. Teach him good lessons.

If you feel like trying to contact her, even when the order has been lifted, follow the 48 hour rule, if you want to send an email, wait 2 days and see if you still feel like sending it. When she contacts you, keep things upbeat, no relationship or marriage talk, you be the one to end the conversation on an up note. Keep posting on here, if you want to call her, post on here about it instead, you will get to say what you need to say, and you wont undo your 180.

One more thing... If you seperate your post out into multiple paragraphs it makes it much easier to read!

[Ready2Change]

Two people make a relationship. You are responsible for your half. Take full control of your thoughts, words and actions. Continuously work on becoming the best YOU that you can. Check out the books I have listed on the first post of my thread. the NUTS book would be good for you to read after DR.....

So you were controlling? If you love something, set it free....

I learned that you can not put your happiness into someone elses hands. Do things that make you happy.

Listening is the best tool for learning. Listen to what W says and then VALIDATE. She wants to be understood. Show that you understand how she feels.

I wish you well. Everything will be OK. Keep working on you. Focus on the kids.

Patience, kindness and forgiveness have been wonderful tools for me. I continually forgive MsR2C for what I PERCEIVE she has done/ does to me.

[dburt]

^^^^this^^^^^

Hang in there, and do not "show" her anything. Just be the best you can be right now.

Have her make the first call or contact. I know this will be hard, but do it, just as bluerain outlined it for you.

Burt

[The Wifey]

motoB,

I always reach out when I see someone is desperate.

First things first, take a couple of deep breaths. You did not get here over night and it will not be fixed over night. One week of a 180 will not fix anything. One week will not even become a permanent change, no matter how much you will it to.

The last week shows you that your wife is conflicted and unsure. She does still love you, but controlling and overbearing over time borders on emotionally abusive. It wounds someone to the soul. I know because this was a problem in the past with my H and I.

This does not mean give up hope. This does not mean anything of the sort. No matter who is influencing her, no matter what she has said or done, even with the filing, you still have time.

People even divorce and get back together. I know it isn't what you want to hear, but you better strap on the big-boy pants in order to make this journey. Don't forget the depends if you have problems with roller coasters.

This is not to make light of the sitch. I just have been around for a long time and I started out as desperate as they come.

Have faith that she does love you. Understand that you have to work on you. You have to grow, continue counseling, read (lots), participate here, have tons of patience and learn.

My guess is she will contact you before long. She does love you. She did say oh no when she saw the papers. Cling to the week she gave you. It was a gift. Something to hang your hat on. So many here have the bomb dropped and don't get that gift.

Read here, follow other people. Post to other people, even if you can offer mutual support and not advice. That will get more people to follow you and offer you support.

This is a long road, but I know full well it can be traveled. I tell you from experience that it can. I will keep an eye on you.

[drew7]

Back in May after the bomb my wife hinted that we separate and was never really was very direct about it. Once I finally decided what I'd do if asked directly she asked if I had been talking to friends and family and I then told her I was leaving the next day she went from being pretty cold to surprised and blurted "what about us what do we do?" and I told her that I was going to give her space and as far as the sitch appeared our R was on hold. So far 2 months after the bomb I haven't heard about any divorce filing. I feel like it is a good sign and your wife's reaction to the letter seems like she almost forgot she filed! Of course she was being very roundabout and you can probably expect that from your WAW. Anyway, one of the big 'lessons' in DB and the "Divorce Remedy" book is don't believe anything you hear and less than half of what you see (but validate what she says).

Anyway, well.. here's the deal.. now it is all about you. You are separated and probably should get out and do as much as you can to enjoy life. Stay busy. Focus on positive aspects of your life. Read anything and everything you can on detachment. Read about co-dependency and if you can find a book on how to be less controlling I'd read it too. Think about what hobbies you let go of during your marriage. If you think you have mental issues or disorders such as depression read about it and go to a counselor. If you think you need counseling for control issues go for it. Think about how you were during the first few years of dating or M with your wife. Try to be the person your W fell in love with (but of course you want to evolve from there). And lastly, in this sitch I do believe you should wait for her to initiate contact. Good luck to you

Drew

[DownNotOut...yet]

Hey, sorry you are here. I think the advice you are getting is good advice. Do NOTHING to chase her. Get the divorce busting books and read them...twice. Lay low. I am pretty sure if you don't blow this into something bigger, it may pass. Seems you might have caught on just in time. You need to go dim now and see what happens. Have your lawyer stall. What state are you in. Even if you do sign, in a lot of states you have like 6 months before it is final.

It is so counter intuitive but let her go for now and wait and see what happens.

Also, if she does contact and is nice, don't get crazy, weepy, don't talk of forever romances. Be friendly, confident but cool. If you go all melt man on her, you will scare her away. Imagine reeling in a 20 pound fish on 10 pound line. Smooth and gentle. NO fast moves. Good Luck!

[motoB]

Thank you everyone for your advice.
I wish I had seen it before last night. I wrote my initial post at work, then left for some counseling, and then went to our house to pick up some of my stuff(I'm staying with my Mom... yuck.)

I didn't think W would be there, it was arranged through the lawyers, and I knew someone would be there, and there was someone from the county, but I didn't expect her. Well she was there, and so was our D. I was shocked! I scooped up my little girl and loved her for as long as I could. W didn't mind, I kinda expected her to stop me or something, but she didn't. I started gathering my stuff and my D was helping me, telling me of all the fun things that her and W have been doing and were going to do. Then she asked me how long this was going to go on? I told her I didn't know, she said W told her maybe a year! I hope she just misunderstood or something, to me that sounds like W is gearing up for a fight. She then backed that up with Mommy said I might can see you next weekend. !!?????!! A few min later my D asked me what do you do everyday now Daddy, and I told her I mostly just go to counseling...the W came into the room and had been watching and listening to me, but I didn't know it. I wonder is that bad what she heard me say? Then the W started a conversation with me, mostly about missing underwear and socks, but I felt like she wanted to talk. She didnt simply come back to watch me pack.

At one point I looked up and she was zeroed in on me, so I held her stare. My W first of all looked stunning, she was so beautiful, but I knew if I did see her I wasn't gonna see the un kept version that my friends have said they've seen. She had her game face on, she wasn't displaying emotion, but after 14 years I can see through this. What I didn't see was anger or indifference. What I saw was pain. Pain from what... I don't know? Was it pain from missing me? Was it pain from what we've been through? Was it pain for my daughter(I don't think it was this yet cause the D was so happy at this point) I don't know though. We looked into each others eyes for probably longer than 5 seconds, I felt like she was trying to say something with her eyes, I know I was. I felt like the tension kinda dropped a bit at that moment. Then I done what y'all told me not to. I was close to her and I said "remember when you told me I didn't get it(referring to my questioning of what was wrong in our marriage)I said well now I get it, I get it." Then I walked even closer to her, cause I was about to walk out the bedroom door and I stopped right in front of her this time I didn't look into her eyes because I didn't want to seem like I was invading her space, or that I was trying to intimidate or anything. So I stared at the ground, and I said very softly... "you wanted peace, Ill give you peace" and I was just about to say something along the lines of making her happy at all costs, but she stopped me and said "we'll talk." She said this softly too, in a kinda reassuring way. I then moved back away to the other side of the room to grab something and I looked up at her she was still staring, and I mouthed to her "soon?" She said "yes" quietly.

At the end I was trying to tell my D bye, and assure her that this wont last forever, and I noticed my W was locked in on the television, like she was totally engulfed in the program, so I glanced up to see what it was, and it was the the science channel, how thats made. They were making chocolate candies. My W never liked these shows, it kinda made me laugh cause to me, and maybe Im wrong but now she was really trying to hide the pain there. I know its hard seeing our D crying and holding on to me(this time I do think the pain was from that) and I was tearing up too. But to me that means something... Right? As I started to walk away I told her one last thing, that I hope dont get me in trouble with the lawyers, my birthday is saturday, and I told her that she could let the D call me on my birthday. The W nodded her head in a yes motion but I don't get the feeling she was really saying yes, maybe more of an acknowledgment to me. Maybe that was a bad idea, I dunno. As I walked out the door my D was watching the whole time, I said "I love you honey" and she said she did too, then I mouthed to her that I love your Mommy too, and she mouthed back I know. My W never once turned back to see me walk out the door. I feel like that was another big point, but then again????

OK, so within this there is a million possibilities. I'm also not oblivious to the fact that maybe I'm seeing good where there is none. I'm afraid that I may be doing that completely, and setting myself up for utter failure. Please any input would be good. Like I said I wish I had read everyone's words before I went, but maybe it was meant to go down like that. All I have is my prayer and faith that God will reach her and silent the nay sayers. My W and I are both christian people, and as she left me when I found the divorce papers, I do remember her saying that God told her to divorce me. I know better. She needs to hear Gods real word, silence the critics who are telling her how shes gonna be so happy in a few months(I know cause that's what people are trying to tell me) and let her decide for her. I think shes under a lot of pressure to divorce me from her friends and family. The ol grass is greener talks.

Some of my friends were angry that she had D there... I to was surprised, but I don't think it was anything malicious, I believe it may have been a gift from her or maybe some sort of peace offering, or possibly a test of some sort?

I did read DCBHM's stich, and I could see some similarity's, Ive always known something to be a little off with my W. I know its not on that level, but her mother has to take medicine, if she doesn't she become violently mean, its in her family, and its caused problems before with us. When W gets something in her head, sometimes no matter how far fetched, to her its the gospel. This is a sticky subject that I'm afraid of.

Also I live in Texas, and we have a 2 month cool down period before the divorce is final. We are 8 days into this... How do I silence the nay sayers around me without alienating people who care about me, but just don't understand why Id stick this out? Also how do I put my stats at the bottom of the page? In the meanwhile Ill give this for everyone...
ME 32(at least till sat) W 33
D together 10, S I have cust. 15
M12 T14
separated by restraining order,and D filed on 2 July 09 by W


all the prayers and advice is eagerly anticipated! I am very sad, but its cause Ive made the commitment to stay in this, I know I could quit and make it easier on me, but that's not the right thing to do, and I know it. Thanks
B.

[motoB]

Good evening everybody,
Today was a quiet day, but I kinda wished that I would've heard something from the lawyers. There was suppose to be some discussion between the lawyers about negotiations in the marriage. My side wanted the restraining order dropped that's all, and to be honest Id hoped I would have received the news that the W would agree. Especially after what I considered to be a possible breakthrough to her yesterday when I went to our home to retrieve my stuff. I know I probably shouldn't put much stock into anything right now, but hope and faith is all I have. My prayers are that she drops it before we go to our initial hearing, which is next week, because I'm afraid it will get ugly and maybe drive her further away. I'm scared and confused, because while I know I must prove my innocence, I know if it goes all the way shes gonna look real bad, and Im afraid it will provoke her, and push her away.

Man I'm a wreck. Anyway I look forward to someone giving me some good advice
Thanks a lot
B.

[Ready2Change]

What kind of relationship do you want with your D? I fought for joint custody. It was the best decision I made.

What type of relationship do you want with W? I set my W free at her request. We are divorced. I want her to be happy. I am very patient with her. I am kind to her. I forgive her for all I feel she has done wrong to me and my kids.

I change my thoughts, words and behavior and I change the relationship. I took the high road.

Right now you are a wreck. It is OK to be wreck. We have the power to create our own dream. Change your beliefs and you change your dream.


So you want "the magic pill"? Work on becoming the best YOU that you can be. The more I stay "Present", the better I feel. If I start thinking of the past, or fearing the future, guess what happens.....

What makes you happy? Enjoying every minute of every day makes me happy. I wake up and really focus on and enjoy my first few breaths of the day. I stretch and enjoy the way that feels. My sheets feel great. The sunshine is great. The warm water in the shower feels amazing every morning. I sing with the radio for 30 minutes on my commute to work. I enjoy looking at and speaking with everyone I interact with during the day.....

When I got "the bomb", I am glad I took the great opportunity for personal growth. I have nurtured many new relationships. My beliefs are completely different than they were a year ago. I am continually evaluating my beliefs and changing them. Michelle calls this "BEGINNERS MIND".

What you believe is what you project out into the world and it become truth for you.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see a good looking happy guy? That is what I see when I look in the mirror.

My spouse had many great qualities that I did not posses. I do now. She was my greatest role model.

No intentions, no expectations.