Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Greek]

A statement like the following seems to really piss her off:

"Next Tuesday I want to go (do xyz) in the evening, so please don't make any plans with a client or friends. Any other day is fine, just not Tuesday"

Is this a plan you are making with her, Think, or an evening you want her to clear so you can go out without her while she is with the kids? If it's the former, ask her another way. "Hey, have you heard about xyz restaurant? What if you and I try it Tuesday?" If it's the latter....Think.....no. At this time in your life, if you want to get out of the house without her, you need to line up help for the kids. Get me?

[Greek]

Sara,
The email idea is GOOD. One would have to be careful about things that get lost in translation...but in Think's case, that's happening in person, too, so same diff. But your idea is good and we have found it to be useful, too.
Cheers~~~

[Sara]

Since you are reserving Wednesday nights for yourself, perhaps she needs a night that she knows she has free each week. Try to give and take.

[Thinker]

Is this a plan you are making with her, Think, or an evening you want her to clear so you can go out without her while she is with the kids?

It's the latter.

However, please don't misunderstand. It's not a case of me always wanting to be out with the Guys and stick her with the kids again. I'm pretty involved every evening, and do the whole evening routine myself a couple of times a week while she is out - working, with friends, etc. It is a case of me saying "On that day there, instead of me being here and you being free to go out if you want to, I need you to not make plans so that I can go out"

I could phrase it differently - ie "I am planning to go out next Tuesday. Are you going to be here, or should I arrange a sitter?"

I do think that often it is my wording, or maybe my tone, (or even just her expectations) that pisses her off more than the content of what I am saying.

Trying to figure it out so I can change it, without going back to my old ways of just giving in to avoid the conflict (and then being resentful myself).

[Greek]

However, please don't misunderstand.

No misunderstanding at all. And you aren't asking for anything unreasonable...if you ask me. Remember ~ she's had a noseful of you (her pov) so we're trying to hear things the way they may sound to her.

I could phrase it differently - ie "I am planning to go out next Tuesday. Are you going to be here, or should I arrange a sitter?"

Yeah, try to say it another way...

I do think that often it is my wording, or maybe my tone, (or even just her expectations) that pisses her off more than the content of what I am saying.

Well, expectations or history...you are changing your game up but she's still remembering the old days. Takes time.

Trying to figure it out so I can change it, without going back to my old ways of just giving in to avoid the conflict (and then being resentful myself).

NOPE ~ not going back to that old way. Feel how big of a change this is for you? Well, that change SHE SEES IN YOU is as big for her to accept as real. It feels a bit like WTF is up with HIM?!!!!! Been there. And it doesn't set in as real for a while. At least for me that was the case. But you keep doing the decent, mature, self respectful things while being aware of your audience, which is respectful of her, as well.

Tough gig, huh? I hear ya.
Cheers~~~

[MrBond]

I think I see what is the problem. The way you are phrasing stuff is asking her to "give up" something. Even if it is time. She's still getting over the OM, so everything you say no matter what it is, is going to p*ss her off.

So instead of asking her or even stating things to her, just say... "I'm planning to go out on Thursday. If you are planning to go out too, let me know so I can arrange a sitter." Just matter of fact. This way she doesn't "perceive" that you are inconveniencing her.

Even on the example of the vacation day where you want to do something. Just say, "I want to do this on this day. If you'd rather do something else, you can go ahead and do it."

Don't even attempt to get her or have her thinking that you are having her do something. Change the scenario where it is all about you and you don't give a flying f*ck what she wants to do.

[orangedog]

Thinker you need buddy time, GAL time, and cycling time (all three at once). Don't let W be a chainsuck and take that away from you. Make it happen.

[Thinker]

Thanks OD, I figured you would be able to understand the true meaning of those rides...

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Thanks Greek and Sara, It really does help to have your points of view - get's me thinking in different directions, which is exactly what I need.

-----

Well, after noodling on it a bit, I think I found the root cause of (at least some of) the recent anger.

Last week (as planned) the boys and I went to my extended family's beach reunion. Mrs. Thinker went to visit her mom instead. We had a great time, and due to the fun and some cell phone difficulties we were barely able to even call Mrs. Thinker. She felt excluded.

This weekend is another Thinker family event (My Dad's 70th). She is not comfortable around my family right now, so when she started to drag her feet a couple of days ago, I said "I'm going. Whether you come, stay, or do something else is completely up to you" (or something similar). I was giving her options, but was probably pretty abrupt about it. I was tired of everything. She felt uninvited, excluded, and hurt. She wanted me to want her to go, and I had not said that.

She lashed out then, and then again, and then again today...

So...

this evening over dinner I said "I'd like to press reset, or rewind, or whatever... I would like you to go with me to the party this weekend. It would make me happy." She agreed to go.

Sometimes it's the stupid little misunderstandings...I thought she was trying to avoid going and was giving her the DB "I don't really care if you go or not, I'm going". In fact, she felt excluded and wanted to be asked to go...

Immediate sitch diffused...

...Although I know I am going to catch hell for this in the future as "Just one more example" of how I "can be so unreasonable and hurtful"

[Sara]

Good work. I'm proud of you for doing some accurate mindreading. That is difficult!

[Thinker]

Thanks Sara,

There were some clues buried in her yelling. I just had to calm down in order to be able to hear them.