Newbie with WAW 2

[Orich]

First of all, she hasn't been affectionate or physical with me for some time before this OM even showed up on the scene. I know exactly when she started contact with him and it was tword the end of our MC. Before that, she made very little effort in trying to fix the M. WHile in MC, the counsellor felt that she has unresolved issues due to her mother and sister in law dying in the same month, and possibly some other childhood issues all leading up to her suffering from depression without her knowing it. He even suggested she get a physical from her MD. She also has been for about a year having major problems with her monthly cycle including strong nightmares and major mood swings. Both her MD and OBGYN suggested anti-depressants (Lexipro) She took them for a week, then took herself off. At this time I was approaching this whole mess as though she were sick, and needed to get better. So, I stood by her while she was in my mind sick. She has major money issues since we claimed bankruptcy. The OM came into the picture originally to offer her a job as he is about to direct a major motion picture (they have known each other since HS). All through this she has been acting as though we were friends, it wasn't until a week or so ago she started acting nasty and cold. I was prepared to put up with the no intimacy or affection as long as I thought she was sick and trying to get help. Only within the last few days have I found out that she is in fact ignoring any advice about working through past trauma and only working on moving ahead with separation and ultimately D. So, now is when I have been more assertive. I have told her i won't be spoken to in that manner. I simply won't respond when that happens. I understand only now that I have more information that she is truly done, is not going to address past issues, and wants to move on. Fine. I did tell her under NO circumstances am I leaving the house, and I think the boys should stay in the house. Right now the only parent they see practically is me anyway, so they can't even pick up on any maltreatment or disrespect. I told her that, too. The first thing my kids ask me when I pick them up is if mommy will be home for dinner. I don't talk badly about her in front of them, I merely say I don't know. I would never EVER raise a hand to her nor scream at her. I have locked up many men for that and I think it is despicable. Should I have been more assertive all through our marriage and especially now, yes. I see where I should have been. I'm not backing down now, though. It might have taken a while for me to get that it truly is over, but I realize it now and am acting accordingly. I am not leaving the house, in fact I told her I am not leaving our bed. The kids need to stay in the house, and that is where they are staying. What she decides to do now is her problem, not mine. I am not budging.
As far as DBing,
I took every complaint she had about me in MC to heart, realize that I had taken her for granted, and addressed this. I have contributed way more to household chores, payed more attention to her, became more talkative, and got more active in church ministries we both volunteer at. I have made serious efforts to combat my poor short term memory by carrying around a pad and pencil. All these complaints made me take a good long look at myself and realize I might not have liked me the way I was, either. I have not backslid once on my improvements. She has even acknowledged them by saying she thinks its great, that I am a new man, and whoever I end up with will be lucky.
As for GALing, I have joined a gym ( I was a serious couch potato, now I get mad when I miss a day at the gym) I go to movies with my brother, and am now beginning to hang out with friends from work. I used to race home from work before and stay home in order to be with her which she used to praise me for. Now she wants to be apart, so I find reasons to leave the house. I am scheduling doing things on nights I know she wants to go out, so now she has to either stay home or get a babysitter. My comment about others here was that it seemed to me that their WAW's had some sort of attachment still. Mine doesn't. Yeah that bums me out. I'm sorry, but I am jealous. But as I said, recent events are causing me to become more of a hardnose. I always tried to separate my job from my home life. I never wanted to treat anyone in my family like I do the many perps I lock up. Now, some of that authority that I find very easy to use is coming into play at home. I am not treating anyone badly, but I am presenting my case now, and standing fast. I said I was having a hard time detaching. My understanding of it was confusing applying it to a situation where we have kids together. Through this board is becoming more clear, and I am implementing the last effort technique accordingly.
Yes, I had hoped for some back up from members of her family, but never requested it from them and never will.
I do still love her very much. I can't just shut that switch off. But I am getting better at this especially after learning what I know now. And I still don't believe there has been a PA with her and this other guy. I understand that their could very well be an EA, which is just as bad, but in my heart I don't think it has ever been physical. I have my reasons for that belief.
She doesn't want a future with me in it. I get it. I have the conviction I need now, I believe.
I realize I am not perfect, and I may backslide at times, but not on important stuff. My kids already see me in a good light, I believe, and they won't see anything else.