Thinker, Does Retro mean Retrovaille? If it is, What do you think or know about it? I want to go with my W but she refuses. I heard it has a pretty good success rate of reconnecting couples. I have contacted them for a session in September, but as I said, I don't think I will be going. W is just not interested.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Every time I try to stand up for myself and express my desires, it turns ugly.
I have a group bike ride I try to go on every wed night. My W scheduled a client for this evening so I can't go - have to watch the kids. OK, no problem.
So I said, calmly, "I support you in your work and I know that sometimes it is unavoidable, but I ask that if it is possible you not schedule clients for Wednesday nights"
At least that's what I tried to say. I couldn't finish before she blew up - "Why is everything always about you? You want you want! You want to go on these bike rides EVERY week and I can NEVER do anything on Wednesday nights its just like..."
I corrected her, asked her not to put words in my mouth, asked her to keep to the specific situation and not generalize, but ...
Holy Cow!
It really makes me wonder what I am doing wrong...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Putting my Coach hat on now...we had a similar sitch once upon a time and here is what he did:
Coach: "I thought about what you said and I can sure see how from your pov it looks like my wants sometimes outweigh your wants or needs. I can see how you might feel that way in this situation. I'm going to sit out the bike ride this time b/c I can see you need my support and help with the kids. I'm happy to help in this way. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see things differently."
And then do it. Even if she says, "F you, Thinker. I already got a sitter, you jerk." Call the sitter yourself and cancel. And say no more about it. Never bring it up again - like "Remember when I did such and such for you." Just do it with a smile.
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
She announced that she had agreed to meet with a client tonight. I happily agreed to do it, canceled my ride, and then calmly asked her if, in the future, she could try not to schedule clients for Wednesday night unless it was necessary, because the rides were important to me.
And that's when she lost it - when I told her something was important to me and requested that she try to work around it in the future.
Last edited by Thinker; 07/08/0907:46 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Oh!!!!!!!!! I see. I guess I didn't read carefully.
OK, well...she sure does have a short wick with you. Your request seems reasonable to me...but I'm not mad as hell at you, either, so that's what it's all about. She is in a constant state of fed up with you and your selfish ways (her pov) and you won't put any points on the board for a while.
Keep being a decent guy, Thinker. That's what you do for YOU. She can take the benefit if she wants it...or not.
But hey ~~~ is there something you can do that will be a little something extra for her meeting? Some little gesture of hospitality that will make her look good to her client?
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
The pattern that I am now seeing is that she gets very upset every time I say that something is important to me and try to set some sort of boundary around it.
Maybe what she is trying to say is "You say what is important to you and expect me to pay attention to it, but you never respect what is important to me"
If that is the case, then honestly, I have no idea where I am doing so (Except for the recent request she made for me to move out - which I politely refused)
I have asked for examples, and she always points back at other cases where I firmly communicated something that I wanted - A weekend where I requested that we do something as a family that I wanted to do. - A vacation where I requested that we spend 1 day doing what I wanted to do
A statement like the following seems to really piss her off:
"Next Tuesday I want to go (do xyz) in the evening, so please don't make any plans with a client or friends. Any other day is fine, just not Tuesday"
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I can't really help with her Client, but what I really need to do is firmly state these requests and then SHUT UP and walk away. Her generalized, one-sided, non-factual attacks really piss me off. I want to stay in the discussion until we reach a calm reasonable, mutually agreeable conclusion, but it's just not possible. I just end up getting dragged into the mud.
Quote:
She is in a constant state of fed up with you and your selfish ways (her pov) and you won't put any points on the board for a while.
I can absolutely see that she feels this way. The issue is that all of the things that she is currently referring to as examples of me being selfish, are times where I (the new me) am finally standing up for myself and looking out for (and expressing) my own needs.
Last edited by Thinker; 07/08/0908:10 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
What if you made your requests via email? Then she wouldn't be on the spot to respond the moment she hears it. Obviously you two have reached the contrary mode -- you say black, she says white. Anytime you pop something on her, she will reject it. Maybe when things are not already angry, you could mention the idea of giving her a heads up to your upcoming plans via email. Then she can send you an email response. And things can be negotiated. And she can do the same with you.
