My WAW is still adamant about the M being over. There are no signs of affection or anything. Lately she has been talking down to me, and when I told her I didn't want to be treated that way, she said she was doing that to make sure I knew that things were not getting better, that even though we live together, there was no chance of us reconciling. I am trying to back away and back away, but I keep backing into a wall. We have young kids, it is very difficult to detach, we have to act together as parents. She has seen the changes I have made, and is happy I made them because it will be good for me in the future with somebody else. She is so cold when she talks about us. Most people here who have WAWs, from what I read, at least have some little bits of hope. Mine is done with the marriage. Her IC, her sister and her closest girlfriend are all telling her to get out of the M if she isn't happy. How can I fight this? I am detaching and GALing, and she is pushing me out, happy I am GALing so I can be happy without her. I hope I didn't just hijack this thread. I started writing and I couldn't stop.
Orich, did you think your W was "not adamant" about the M being over when you found out she was having an A? That is usually a pretty good clue, don't you think?
"Most" women who are having a PA with with OM will not be affectionate with their H's. However, I have heard of a few that can do it. But, are you saying you want her ML or be lovie-dovie with you, when knowing she's in an A?
Yes, she is treating you like cr@p so you will wake-up and get the message, but I don't think you have....yet! She wants out of this M and you are pouting b/c she won't give you affection or show respect! What is it going to take? All WAW's treat their H's badly b/c they do not want the H to think there is any hopes in reconciling. I know just how little it takes for a man to get his hopes up that his W is "coming around". It is unbelievable what LBS's put up with before they face the truth. You need to see this for what's she's trying to put in your face. That being, she wants out.....she doesn't want to be M to you any longer. She wants you to forget about any thoughts/hopes for a future with her. Nothing matters to her but her freedom. Will you please get that? Don't use the kids, M vows, wedding rings, memories, family, religion, or finances....the way so many LBH's do.....b/c none of it matters to your WAW, anymore.
You said you are trying to back away. How are you backing away? This is not a sarcastic question. I am in earnest. How?
In what ways have you changed? You should be able to list the ways in which you've made changes.
Of course she is "cold" when talking about the two of you. What do you expect? I can tell by your post that you won't see what she's trying to tell you. I can understand her frustration as a WAW.
Quote:
Most people here who have WAWs, from what I read, at least have some little bits of hope
In what way are you refering to people have a bit of hope? What do they have that you don't?
You said you were detaching "and" GAL. Tell us the ways you are GAL. What are you doing? If she is "still" having to push you out, then you are not detaching! She cannot "push away" what is not there!
As for her sisters and friends and how you fight their opinions or influence about her getting out of the M to be happy.......there will always be somebody out in the world who has the opposite opinion of you. I know it is hard when family & friends are not in your corner. You are probably thinking if only they supported you that they could convince your W to stay in the M. Wrong! They would not influence her at this stage of the process. In most cases, I think, if changes come about.....it is from a long process and takes a long time.
She doesn't respect you and you tell her you don't like for her to treat you that way. It is obvious that you do not know how to get respect from a woman. I can tell you that it is not by asking or pleading or trying to get her to feel sorry for you, or telling her you don't "like" to be treated the way she's doing. That makes you appear to be very weak and mousey. She wants you to find your b@lls and start acting like a man. Being a man who demands respect does NOT include showing one single act of violence. That is not being a man, IMH. It does not require screaming/yelling at the top of your lungs. It may, however, require using a voice of authority! If you don't know the difference, then you need to talk to some man who "is" in good control over a large group of people, and get him to teach you. Do you think you could do speak in a voice of "authority"? B/c it ain't by saying you don't "want to be treated that way". You tell her YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE DISRESPECTED BY HER TALKING DOWN TO YOU! PERIOD!! If she can't show you respect, like a man should be respected in his own home, then she needs to get out.....IMHO. That is, if you are acting like a man she can respect. As I've said before, a man has to "earn" respect from his W, but if he "has".....then he should demand that in his own home. He should be shown respect from his W and his children. How do you think those kids are going to treat daddy when they see mom treating him like dirt? Exactly! Little boys grow up to be disrespected like they saw their dad, and little girls grow up to disrespect men like they watched their mom doing.
I know this is hard! Every LBH who comes to this board almost says the very same thing. He talks about how much he loves his W and how hard it is to detach. He doesn't understand why she is so "cold", etc., etc., etc. So, it's not like you are the only man this has happened to! You need to listen to the men who have been around a long time and are trying to tell you what to do. If you won't listen, then you are in for a very big heartache. I'm not saying it would keep you from getting a D, but it might save your self-respect, and you would have the courage to make a positive future for you and your kids.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
