Im brand new here, but have been lurking and reading off and on since dec. Ive been married for 12 years, and have a 10 year old D with her and a 15 year old S that I have custody of from my past. Weve been having problems since dec. Im in a bad situation now though. My wife filed for divorce last week and I was served on thurs, and also put a protective order against me keeping her from her and my daughter. In the order she alleges that I sat on her, pulled her hair, blocked her from leaving and threatened her that shed be sorry if she left. She also alleges that she thinks Id hurt our daughter to get back at her.
ok, now I have never done these things, or even considered hurting my wife. I was over bearing, controlling and very insecure. I did ALL the bad things like begging, pleading, compromising to the point that I drove her away, and lost myself in the process. During these last few months I continually badgered her untill it came to a point sunday(31june09) I found some stuff from her lawyer, and she had been lying to me saying she hadnt been to one. We got into a fight, but by this point, and for the last few months, anytime I tried to get answers about us or things pertaining to us she would go silent or tell me she had nothing to say. This drove me nuts and made me more insecure and inturn made me push harder. Anyway, we got into it about the lawyer, and I simply told her that even I was at a breaking point, she wanted to leave and go for a ride. This is how she always handled us fighting she would leave for hours... presumably to pray, cry, and think. I walked her to her car and told her calmly and civil like, that I was tired of the lies, and I felt like she wasnt trying in the marriage(because she had been avoiding our counseling appts for well over a month)and that I wanted her to not come back if she wasnt coming back to be honest and try. She agreed, I kissed her and told her I loved her and she left. She returned that morning about 5am, she had been gone since about 10:30pm, I thanked her for coming back and assured her that I was done with all the questions and conflict. She got into bed with me snuggled up and went to sleep. She got up and went to work. she sent me texts throught the day saying I love you and having smiley faces. I havent seen stuff like that in probably a year. I thought wow! I even showed them to our daughter and she was happy. That night she came home and we hung out for a while made love then went to bed. The next morning she took our daughter to her parents who live a few hours away without me knowing. At lunch she called and told me that she did it, but said it was so we could be alone. She said she didnt tell me cause she didnt want me to get my hopes up, and then it fall thru and let me down. I felt strange about this but kept to my promise of no conflict and no questions. She came home to me that night, we had dinner together and enjoyed each others company very much, then even went to bed and made love. The next day much of the same... good sweet contact thru the day, then we met at a friends house for a BBQ. Already our daughter had been calling wanting to come home. She never really stayed away from us. So my wife was talking of going up getting her. I had been saying WE and US can go get her... but I knew thats not what she wanted. So I pulled her aside at the BBQ and told her to go alone and enjoy the 4th of july with her family. This was hard for me and way out of character, and I saw what looked like a tear in her eye. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she knew it made me sad. I told her that this was just the begining of the new me, and that I wanted to make her happy. We returned to and enjoyed ourselves at the BBQ. When we went home I checked the mail and she went in the house. In the mail was a letter from her lawyer asking for signature to proceede with divorce, she had filed on Monday, the same day that I got all the loving texts and things. I carried it in to her, and as I walked in she looked up at me smiled(lovingly)at me, that part I will remember for the rest of my life! I handed her the letter and told her the D papers are here. She said "WHAT?" and took them and looked at them, and then she said "on no" almost sadly. She then grabbed her keys and said I have to leave. I told her she didnt have to sign the papers and she said she would think about it and call me in the morning. In the morning I got served. She has told me, some friends(and even my boss) that she thought I needed help, and maybe if I concentrated on me, and after I did that maybe things could change. Is there truth to that? why the last few days of making me think everything was good? Im a wreck. I miss them both so much. I cant talk to them or see them in any way form or fashion. Since that day Ive done lots of self discovery, and realized that she used to tell me that I had to control everything, and that I was over bearing. I didnt see it. Now I do. I acknowledge this... and Im in counseling already for it. But now what? How do I reach her? How will she know? Right now she probably thinks that I still dont get it. Thats what she would say to me. Id ask her why are we fighting, whats wrong with our marriage and her answer was always the same, you just dont get it. Now I get it frown Please help me cause I already started on a 180 and thought it was going somewhere. Why did she do those last days like that? How can I show her Im changing without looking like Im controlling again. I have a lawyer now and they think the protective order will be dropped because theres nothing to prove any of her allegations, and for good reason. I hate this cause I know I drove her away, and all I can figure is that she knew I would never agree to seperation, so she forced it on me. I also dont think that another man is involved. I do know that her parents are pushing her to do this though, and they are very influential in her life. Anything anyone could say to help will be great...
thanks
B