Looking For Help

[sandi2]

Having read it, would you suggest I Non-DBingly give a copy to my W?

Well, I saw "The Walk Out Woman" as another tool for DBing. It goes side by side with Michelle's teachings. I think it would be okay if the wife was trying to understand herslef....like I was when I bought it.....and was ready to stay in the R and works things out. But, otherwise, I don't think it would do any good if she's not in that place yet. It would, however, be bentificial in helping men to understand their WAW.

Somebody gave me the book "Eat, Pray, Love" and I just couldn't get into it. It was kind of a strange read for me.

I have a lot of great books I've read. Another book by those same authors is "The Worn Out Woman".


Sandi

[sandi2]

LFH, I was concerned b/c I have only the dates you have given us she gave you the "speech" and then you came on board, etc. That is not a long time! I don't know how long both of you have been unhappy in the M, but you haven't been applying the DBing very long. I just don't want you to throw the towell in yet. You started out strong with a lot of goals, but time is where you will either lose your strength or find it. It's up to you. It can be you enemy or help in this stitch.

Talk to you later.
Sandi

[sandi2]

Hi LFH,

I just wanted to pop in and see how you were doing. I never did get back to replying to the subject we were discussing a few post back. I think I am not communicating very well the message I'm wanting to get across and may not do any better, but here goes.

I too have taken alot of crap over the years, yet I'm not the one running away.

Yes, a MR is most certainly a two-way street and should not only be a 50%/50% effort on the part of each person....but I say it should be a 100%/100% effort for each partner. If a person only contributes one-half of the work effort, then of course there will be a lot of problems b/c they are going to play the "blame game". But, that was not the point you were getting at, I don't think. I just brought that in while it was on my mind.

Your point, I believe, is that both of you had faults so both of you had a part of the breakdown in the MR. I agree. I also agree when you talked about putting each other first and making each one feel like #1. I couldn't agree more b/c that was actually a huge issue in my own MR. Anyway, just wanted you to know that I am on the same page with you about all of that.

Your really big issue here is the part where you said, "but you were not the one running away". Some W's should be called the "Run Away Wife" instead of the "Walk Away Wife". It does seem that a lot of people try to "run" from their old life....old R's.....old problems.....old "everything"....and try to start an entirely "new" life and often with a "new person" by their side. That is part of their WAS mentality. Yes, it's wrong! It's crazy. No doubt about it! But that is part of it. She has the mind-set of a WAW and no matter how much you say that she is to blame as much as you, and that you are "staying" instead of running away..... it doesn't change the facts. That is what you have to deal with....the facts.

However, if my wife was better to me as well...what could have been?

That is sooo true! However, the facts are--she hasn't been good....in your opinion. In "her" opinion, the story would probably sound a lot different. So, we have to go back to the facts as they are today. "Here is where you are in the stitch....now what will you do?" That is what you have to decide.

It's kind of like I've talk about some books that the LBH's are reading. (Now--the Walk Out Woman and some like that are very informative for LBH's.) The minority of the books are about the real issues that people here on the board are dealing with. Most M books are about how to "improve" your MR. In other words....say a couple has an "okay" M, and here is a "how-to" book with lots of ideas to make a good M really sizzle. Well, let's face it....by the time a man comes here to the board....he is way past the stage of "how to improve" and has moved into "how to survive". There is a difference, IMHO. Maybe I'm not making good sense....

See? We are trying to say the same thing, but somehow we are "missing" each other....lol.

It is not selfish for the spouse to expect to be #1. In fact, that where they were during courtship. If I felt more appreciated in my relationship, maybe...just maybe, I would have reacted differently over the past few years. And I bet my W is thinking the same about me. It's a shame that so many relationships come this this point!

Again, I agree with everything you are saying here. But the facts as they are now is that none of "what could have been in the past" is going to change "what it is now". When you were talking in a past post of finding somebody that would make you #1.....I guess I took what you were saying the wrong way b/c it sounded as if you were ready to start looking for another woman who would put you first, and that that was more important than anything. I thought the way you were sounding that you were wanting that even before your children.... So, I think I misunderstood what you were actually saying and when I replied.....oh, well.....the point is--I think we are on the same page...lol.

You are angry at your W. You have a right to be very angry!! I tell a lot of LBH's that they should get a heavy-duty punching bag (like the boxers use) to knock the daylights out of it until they can work off some of that stored up anger. Some have done that and said it did help them! When they come in from work, they go "work out" on that punching bag and then they can "deal" with the rest of the evening. Any kind of strenous exercise that gets that "anger" out of the system for a few hours--will help.


I hurt the feelings of a young LBW today b/c I was careless and said that if I had been her WAH that I would have left her also. That is not to say the LBS should not feel all that he/she does, but I was trying to point out from the POV of a WAS. Oh man.....communication is the pits isn't it??

You were talking about how you felt during the courtship with your W. I have watched couples at weddings and see so much sparkle in their loving eyes and they actually do "glow" with happiness. I can't help but think that "if only" they would continue to think of each other the way they do on their wedding day! If they would continue to treat each other as they do on their wedding day, what a difference that M would make. But how many of us can say that we did?

Well, I think I have rambled around in circles, but I wanted to "try" to reply to what you said. Don't think I've done a very good job.

Take care and I'll talk to you later.

Sandi

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello Sandi (and of course to everyone else as well),

Thank you for yor response. Yes, we are on the same page.

I'm still on vacation visiting my family. We are keeping ourselves very busy. I have very limited access to the internet. I'll put together a longer post when I return from my vacation.

Quickly however, I believe I did a nice 180 today. Yesterday, my W called to see how the kids were doing away from home. Neither one of the kids had any interest in talking with their mother. I could tell my W was hurt. So today after church, I had the kids call their mom (usually no calling the W for me). The kids exploded as they were telling their mom what a great time they were having on our vacation. I could feel my W's smile across the phone. I did "good." I just wanted to make my W feel better. It was the right thing to do.

You see, I was inspired by today's sermon...about how our pride and ego get in the way of us following in the foot steps of Jesus Christ. "What would Jesus do?" was the main theme. So I did what I thought Jesus would do and called the W on behalf of the kids. I made "ME" feel really good about myself..one step at a time.

This vacation away from the chaos is exactly what I needed!

Thanks,
LFH

[sandi2]

You see, I was inspired by today's sermon...about how our pride and ego get in the way of us following in the foot steps of Jesus Christ. "What would Jesus do?" was the main theme. So I did what I thought Jesus would do and called the W on behalf of the kids. I made "ME" feel really good about myself..one step at a time.

I am so pleased that you are in church and getting a blessing from the sermons. I only want to caution you about using "what would Jesus do" as a cover-up to contact your wife. The mind can deceive us! Sure it made you feel good b/c that was "your" desire to call her.....not necessarily the Lord's.

You see, I've been down this road with a lot of people over the years and I've seen people use the Christian life and "being like Christ" as their cop-out (if you'll excuse that old expression). I do not mean this in a disrespectful sense toward the Lord in any means! I am a Christian and have lived my entire life for God (except during my EA) and I love Jesus! However, I just know people. I'm sure you did want to do like Jesus b/c you were inspired by the message and applied it to your personal stitch.......but are you real sure what Jesus would have done if "He" had been in your shoes? Many people think Christ was a "softie" or a "push-over" b/c of the way He allowed people to treat Him when He went to Calvary. However, that was for a precise purpose (at Calvary) and He did not let people walk all over Him at other times. He was strict, loving, kind, and all that....but He was strong and a Man's man..... who was respected by women (I might add). Do you think anybody (women included) would have respected Him if He had allowed them to treat Him like a dog before He went to Calvary? I don't think so. Just read the NT and you'll see. Yes, He would love them and even forgive them.....but He would have had their respect! That is what you must do.....is have your W's respect. What must you do in order to get that respect? That is the question.

So, just be careful and try to keep things in prespective, okay? Again, I don't want to discourage you in living a Christian life, but I have been shocked to find out what some people's ideas about that life really is!

If I have said anything you don't understand, I will be glad to expound futher. I just don't want to sound like I'm preaching.

Take care,
Sandi

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Sandi,

I understand what you mean. It was just that I could tell my W was hurting and I wanted to do something nice (a 180 for me)...that's all. However, I do feel at peace with myself when I pray and go to church. I've noticed that my anxiety attacks have gone away in the last two weeks.

I returned from my vacation last night. It was a great trip! I returned very relaxed and carefree. The kids exploded as they described to their mother how much fun they had. I downloaded vacation photos from my camera to my computer. My W showed an extreme interest in these photos and looked through each and everyone one of them. There was alot of fun in those photos. I think she was a little jealous. This was the first time in 14 years that she did not make this trip.

Overall, my W was pleasant last night. I mentioned that I was going to take my son to a college and NFL football game in September (back in my hometown). My W was o.k. with it.

I also mentioned that we needed to start thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans. This is usually when we purchase our airline tickets for my family. Because of our situation, I suggested that the kids stay here with W this year and I'll take them to my parents next year. I also said that I wanted to take the kids to Colorado the day after Christmas for a "snow" vacation. My W was surprised! She said, "I figured we would celebrate Christmas at our house." I said, "This may not necessarily work b/c my family would feel uncomfortable visiting this year b/c of our situation. It would put unnecessary stress on all of us. My family always visit during the Holidays. I'm not sure if I said the right things here, but it seems that the W was disappointed. What does this mean? I ended the conversation by saying "there's no need to make any decisions tonight and we can discuss it later...no problem."

This morning, my W was again in good spirits. She helped me dress the kids for school and actually initiated the "good-byes" this morning. She never initiates "good-byes" with me (the small things again).

I went to my ballroom dancing classes this evening and had a blast. I never thought this would be so fun (it doesn't hurt that my instructor is gorgeous as well). I'm really enjoying this GALing thing! My W does not know I'm doing this...I just texted saying that I was going to be late from work this evening.

When I returned this evening, I could tell my W was not happy...she had to do work for part of the evening. Later, she was ugly with me and the kids about sleep time etc. People on this board are correct when they say to expect jeckyll/hyde moments from the WAW. I did not let this affect me...I had a nice evening.

Good night,
LFG

[Looking_For_Help]

Sandi,

I have a question for you and everyone else. What is your definition "dropping the rope." I have re-read several of your posts in my thread to fully comprehend your wisdom. It seems that "dropping the rope" is the LBS's only hope.

Thanks,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

LFH,

I think you are correct that dropping the rope is necessary for any chance of bringing back a wayward spouse.

Sandi will do a MUCH better job than me at defining this, but I think dropping the rope is getting to the point of truly letting go of your spouse and accepting that they may not come back. It's not giving up on your M, it's just accepting that they may not come back, and realizing that, although that would be painful, you will be ok.

This is a great article on detachment:


http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

[Gardener]

Sandi will do a MUCH better job than me at defining this

Amen to that.
For me it boils down to: Don't resist. Detach.
And that is a great article.

[Looking_For_Help]

Thanks GIMA and Gardener for your posts.

I recall earlier in my thread hopefulinVA comparing a WAS to a rebellious teenager. As with the teenager, we must act like a loving parent to the WAS. Let them make whatever decisions they're going to make, even though we know the consequences may be dire. In time, we hope they learn from their own actions.

-LFH