Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

It goes back to the idea of treating the spouse at least as well as a stranger. If a stranger walked in the door, you would say hello. You would not be sitting there thinking, "shouldn't she say hello to me first?"

He would still walk in and just go about his business, but now I make the point of saying hello. It removes a lot of hostility from the air.

Thanks Sara, That validates what I have been doing - and encourages me to keep it up.

Last night, for example, when she walked by and shut the bedroom door, I was ready for bed myself so I went and got 2 glasses of water (I always want one next to my bed), went into the room, smiled and said hi and offered her the water, then got into bed myself. When she turned off her light and rolled over to go to sleep without saying anything, I gave her a pleasant "Good Night, sleep well" (and got a muttered "'night" in response).

[Coach]

Learn to use your words better.

She uses 1-word answers to shut down any sort of pleasant chats / discussions I initiate, and refuses to talk about anything significant or emotional (ie her family, work stress, goals and desires).

She has a whole list of excuses to stop any sort of fun joint activity ("Let's go for a bike ride" - "no, I have to...").

"I am planning a bike ride on Sat morning. I was wondering if you wanted to join, how does that sound to you?"
Use open-ended questions. Ask how/why.

If we end up spending time together for some other reason (car rides, etc), she immediately gets on her cell phone with her girl friends, and continues that the whole time we are together.

Plan conversation starters. Have some music with all her favorite songs on it and sing along. Let her know how that makes you feel when she ignores you.

You control the dialouge by asking questions. She is controlling you by answering simple questions. Validate her then ask a questions back.

[Orich]

Thinker,
I work in NYC. I think a beer would be a great idea. Which way from the city are you?
Also, my W is good at deflecting pleasant conversations. Unless we are talking about the kids, she finds ways to brush me off when I start up such a conversation. Just last night she told me it was intentional, to make sure I didn't think she was warming back up to me if she was friendly.
Crazy stuff.

[AlexEN]

Thinker,
I work in NYC. I think a beer would be a great idea. Which way from the city are you?
Also, my W is good at deflecting pleasant conversations. Unless we are talking about the kids, she finds ways to brush me off when I start up such a conversation. Just last night she told me it was intentional, to make sure I didn't think she was warming back up to me if she was friendly.
Crazy stuff.

Orich,

I had to chuckle at this... I used to get, "You know, I really want to hold your hand, but I don't want to lead you on."

Crazy stuff indeed...

-AlexEN

[Orich]

Maybe this is the sign of an imminent alien invasion, you know, the pods are taking over our S's bodies. I don't know about you, thinker, and anyone else, but this is not my W. This is completely out of character for her!

[Thinker]

OK Coach, I have to challenge you on this on a bit - call it a learning exercise.

"I am planning a bike ride on Sat morning. I was wondering if you wanted to join, how does that sound to you?"

Her answer: "Oh YOU are planning to go for a bike ride are you?! Why do you always do what YOU want! Why don't you think about someone else for a change"

If we end up spending time together for some other reason (car rides, etc), she immediately gets on her cell phone with her girl friends, and continues that the whole time we are together.

Let her know how that makes you feel when she ignores you.

Me: "Hi, I'd like to talk, and when you talk on the phone the whole time like this I feel ignored and frustrated"

Her: "God! Why is everything always about You! what You want and how You feel! What about what I want?! I want to talk to my friends!"

Use open-ended questions. Ask how/why.

Need some examples here. I have tried a few such as "How do you feel about that?" and just get a disgusted look and a "Stop asking stupid questions!"

You control the dialouge by asking questions. She is controlling you by answering simple questions.

Again I challenge you on this one. Give me some examples of questions that can't be answered by 1-word answers. "1-word answers" include:
- Because
- I just do (Ijustdo is only one word, right )
- Yes
- No (Did anything interesting happen today?)
- Fine (How was work today day?)
- Nothing

[Thinker]

Maybe this is the sign of an imminent alien invasion, you know, the pods are taking over our S's bodies. I don't know about you, thinker, and anyone else, but this is not my W. This is completely out of character for her!

A funny thought, though I am not sure I would go that far. I can see my W, the old her. I see her every time she is interacting with someone other than me.

With me, it is almost as if she is constantly repeating in her head "I am not going to like you! I am not! I am not! You can't make me like you! You can't! I won't!"

As for NYC, I live and work in NJ, but can take the train in.

[Orich]

Same thing!
When W is talking to other people, there she is, my "real" W. In fact, when we are together and she is talking to someone who doesn't know about us, then she'll include me in her conversations like "right, Rich?", "remember that happened to us, too" or some such thing, you get my point. Meanwhile when we are alone together, I barely get a "hello". It hurts when I hear her on the phone talking in her sweet, lilting voice with an occasional chuckle that she used to talk to me with.
I believe she has the same repetition in her head.
Anyway, my current command is in Queens, but I can get to the city anytime.

[Coach]

Her answer: "Oh YOU are planning to go for a bike ride are you?! Why do you always do what YOU want! Why don't you think about someone else for a change"

yes I am planning a bike ride that's why I let you know about it. Is there something on the schedule that would preclude that? (now you are looking for a one-word answer)
I don't always do what I want, why would you think that?
I do think about other people all the time. You, the kids, my family, your family, my clients...... If you want to know what I am thinking then ask, but please stop assuming you know what I am thinking.

Me: "Hi, I'd like to talk, and when you talk on the phone the whole time like this I feel ignored and frustrated"

Her: "God! Why is everything always about You! what You want and how You feel! What about what I want?! I want to talk to my friends!"

It's healthy communication wife something I am working on for me, if something is bothering me then I have a responsiblity to bring it up. You might not know it bothers me so I need to let you know. Now, I would love to know what you want. You seem pretty upset, can you describe to me how you feel?
Another tack but you will need your spew suit on - I understand you want to talk to friends. My friends have helped me thru this as well. I was thinking that no matter how this turns out then we will need at least try to be social and cordial for the kids sake. I just wanted to see if we could at least have a friendly conversation while we were driving. I understand if you don't.

Need some examples here. I have tried a few such as "How do you feel about that?" and just get a disgusted look and a "Stop asking stupid questions!"

She's dissing you, call her on it. "That's not a stupid question, I truly want to know and understand how you feel. If you don't want to answer that's your issue. But I will neither stop or let you tell me it's stupid."

- Because

Help me understand. Because why?

- I just do (Ijustdo is only one word, right )

Same response

- Yes
- No (Did anything interesting happen today?)
- Fine (How was work today day?)
- Nothing

Really nothing interesting happened today? Boys what did you do interesting?

If she doesn't want to talk then you lead. What problems did you solve at work? Who did you help? What issues do you need help with? Talk about your kids, ask them questions. Tell a joke at dinner to make your boys laugh. Talk about your bike ride - what did you see? who went with you?
Be interesting because you are. Be interested in her. Get your kids to tell stories.

Let her wallow in her own mess. You can't control her. You show her the boundary and let her know that's where you will be. In the mean time she is missing out on some great Thinker and the boys happenings.
When is your Retro weekend?

[Thinker]

Thanks Coach,

The root issue is that she just does not want to talk. Period. When I drill in with follow-up questions, or ask direct questions and insist on answers her final answer is "Just Stop! I don't want to talk! OK!" after which she turns and walks away.

[/Complaining] I'll get back to doing the work.

Retro is scheduled for Sept - 2 months away.