Magnificent

[mishka422]

I've been reading but avoiding posting in the hopes that my mood will lighten and I can sound positive. Nope, not happening. DANG IT!

Ali, something you said got me thinking (a dangerous thing to do!)

You need to let go of the 'old' view of yourself, that 17 year old kid that felt she was disgusting and didnt deserve love. That was 20 years ago Mish.

You see Al, that's the problem. Yes, it was 20 years ago but it's only gotten worse over those years. Let me put it this way, if it were possible to do something presentable with my hair and makeup without ever looking in a mirror, that would be perfect. There are 20+ years of self hate that has gotten so much worse in the last 18 months. I hid it behind the thought that even though I can't stand myself, at least Gabe loved and cared for me and that was all I needed. The cushion is gone now and the blow is extreme. It wouldn't be so bad if there were at least one part of my life that I could look at and be happy with, but there isn't. I've never done anything that I can say I'm proud of, never accomplished anything.

It's a defeatist attitude, and I know that. My only goal right now is to make it to tomorrow. Tomorrow, my goal will be the next day and so forth. It sucks, but I'm out of energy, out of faith, out of hope. I want to sleep.....it's been 2 weeks now of no more than 2 hours a night. Totally worn out..

[kat727]

I wish I had the magic words to say to make it all better, but really the only person that can make this all better is you. It is going to take time and hard work on your part. You need to see your Dr. I know the first thing you are going to say is that you can't afford it. There has to be some sort of free clinic in Atlanta of all places! Your dr can give you AD's, help get you on a plan to lose weight in a healthy way and help with your sleep issues.

I can't say I have always had the best self-esteem, but I do know that no one can look out for me like me. Everyone else has their best interests at heart. Don't look to anyone else to make it better, again it is on you hon. I will be cheering you along and if I were in Atlanta, I would be taking you to the dr myself. I am not so here we go. Take a deep breath and make the appointment for you and for Marc.

hugs, kat

[dday101798]

Well look at it this way, for those 20 years you made to 7300 tomorrows, so your achievments should match accordingly.

[mishka422]

7300 days of breathing in and out...what an acheivement.

[dday101798]

Matter of fact it is.

That's 7300 days that Mish has graced the world by doing that simple little thing of being there for the next day.

[ernest88]

Stop being an asss..

suck it up..

one foot in front of the other

and next time you share a frinkin recipe with him..tell him the secret ingrediant is Strychnine..

it's all I've got right now..it's all I can muster..

[dday101798]

Ouch, I think the breeze of that 2x4 grazed MY head for pete's sake. lol

Mike, road trip, let's go get her a drink.

[ernest88]

ahhh not a 2x4..she knows deep down it's just her VOR talking..

I wish I could get to Hotlanta..my family and girlfriend need me right now or I would be on the way..

[mishka422]

Bring it on guys! A drink? Make it a few pitchers.

I deserve the 2x4's, seriously. I'll take the VOR anytime of course!

There is tired, and then there is me. I need a vacation in a big way. Some time sitting somewhere quiet with no one to need me to do anything for them. A girl can dream right?

Do you have many days that you just bark at everyone even if they didn't say anything that should have sparked your anger? I've been like that for days now so I just sit and stew instead. It's really not like me at all. How awful!

Kat - I'm one of those 'working poor' that they mention on the news but don't ever go into greater detail about. Why don't they? Because we are the ones that fall through the cracks in our society. I make too much to qualify for assistance programs, I make too much to be able to be seen in a 'free' clinic. They are only free for the totally destitute, not those who just don't make enough to pay their routine expenses. They expect out of pocket even if it's going to mean that your water, electric, gas, etc. are all going to be shut off because of the expense. That's why I don't go. I can't. I fought hard to get my son on the state assistance program for uninsured children (Peachcare). They finally approved it because I got completely hysterical with the poor woman who told me I had been denied. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe! Marc's meds alone would be over $800 a month which is half of my take home pay. That doesn't include the monthly required Dr. visit! Can you imagine? How do they expect anyone to live with those expenses? They don't. I swear that the pharm. companies and Dr.'s real goal is to see how many people they can drive to their deaths due to high costs. Is this how they weed out the weak now? Monetarily?

I've swalled my pride and asked for help from the state, the county, my church all to no avail. Even my church said they couldn't really do much for me since I have such a small household and they are already trying to feed and clothes households of 6+ people where they are completely out of work and being evicted. That showed me right there that my problems are SO trivial compared to what others are facing. Still, they are my problems so they are foremost in my mind.

Just the ramblings of a crazy woman today, nothing more.

Hope you all have a wonderful rest of your week and have plans to do something special for yourselves this weekend.

[kat727]

I know all of that but somewhere somehow, there is a way. For right now why don't we focus on sleep. Have you tried Melatonin? It is in the vitamin aisle. You could also take an over the counter sleep aid, I have used tylenol sleep time(I think that is the name) and they aren't habit forming. I am sure you will feel much better after you get some good sleep under your belt.

kat