Abuse is abuse, whether physical or mental. Does your husband have a drinking problem or is it just the way he is. NO ONE should have to go through abuse. Has he ever directed it to the children?
My wife who I love dearly thought she was being abused by me by manipulating her to do things she did not want to do, it took the bombshell of her threatnening to leave me and wanting a divorce to get my act together and realize how I was treating her.
Please start a thread for yourself and know that I am very impressed that you are gathering the information for yourself before there is nothing left in the tank.
Well, we spoke again last night. It was bad. She had gotten back from IC, and said that they decided that W should speak to my IC totell him to stop givinge false hope, that W has no past issues. I told her I don't hold any false hope, I am just committed to our M and want to exhaust every possible means of fixing it. I asked who on her side knows so far, and she told me her sister and close girlfriend. I asked what they were telling her, and she said they were supporting her, that if she is unhappy, she should end the M. So I am working against her family and her IC. Next I asked her what she sees the future as. She said she could go on like we are for the kids. I told her I couldn't. Then we talked about how to separate. There is no money or equity in the house, so we couldn't come up with a plan yet. Then she brought up the kids and it got ugly. She said lids should ne with their mother, and should stay I'm the house. I agreed that they should stay in the house, but kids also need their father, and I wasn't the one who wanted out of the M, so I wasn't leaving the house anyway. It went downhill from there. So I woke up very depressed this morning, and now I have to go to work and pretend nothings happening. God, give me strength.
My wife confided in a close friend and I asked the same question, what does she thing about all of this, of course my wife's response was that she was for whatever would make her happy. I then told her not to confuse good advice from support from a friend.
Then I started to realize I had to be more of an attorney when speaking with her, if I was going to ask a question like that, to be damned sure to know what the answer was going to be.
Now, also, you have an advantage of her living in the same house, and you can detatch from her while she is there, remember to have your own life around her, and make sure you tell her that you have plans the next time she has "plans". Treat her as if she is just an old college roommate.
As far as the affair that she is having, just remember to do whatever puppy says.
Thanks, Burt. That is the plan. I am trying to find things to do. I always have the gym, but that isn't enough. Most of my friends are either "our" friends, or her family (it is very large) One of my best friends is her sister's husband. I need to do things that are completely outside of her/us. I am trying to connect with people I work with, or old friends I haven't seen in a while. Maybe I will just go out alone once in a while. She doesn't have to know I am not meeting anybody, right?
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Exactly right, my wife broke up with me when I was in college and she had recently graduated. So, I did all of the pleading with her back then, 20 years ago, to come back to me, nothing of course worked, she started dating another guy, and then I finally moved on. Well, by homecoming I had this hot girlfriend and I ran into her brother at a restaurant with her. I was called the next day. And in 2 more years we were married.
Now I am not advocating going and getting a new girlfriend, but I agree with you, she does not have to know that you are alone.
Thanks, Burt. That is the plan. I am trying to find things to do. I always have the gym, but that isn't enough. Most of my friends are either "our" friends, or her family (it is very large) One of my best friends is her sister's husband. I need to do things that are completely outside of her/us. I am trying to connect with people I work with, or old friends I haven't seen in a while. Maybe I will just go out alone once in a while. She doesn't have to know I am not meeting anybody, right?
Hi Orich,
I have almost the same problem and am doing the same things. I have even gone out a few times by myself. The funniest thing is when I go out to a bar by myself and tell her exactly what I am doing - where I am going and that it is by myself. She freaked out because she didn't believe me - in her mind I must be going somewhere else, or at a minimum meeting someone there and lying about it.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thanks to PMA and Burt...I appreciate your words. To try and answer---
No, he is not a drinker. Yes, he has always been volatile, temper-wise, but not necessarily directed at me. He has been known to throw things in addition to yelling, but again, not at me. We faced a near-bankruptcy two years ago, which was avoided by me increasing my work hours (still 3 days/wk., but I work three 12's now). He works in construction (owns his own co.) and when the housing market went kaput, so did much of his work. His identity is centered around his work, so it was tough on him (especially with me making more $$.)
So the temper has worsened the last 2 years, but it's not a new thing, by any means. It just seems more directed at me lately. Anger-management classes have been spurned by him, in addition to any other counseling. ("You just want to change me into some pus#@. There's nothing wrong with showing some anger!") ???
When he yells and is hateful, I don't shy away from it (i.e. I don't cower or back away, but I don't return the yelling to escalate him any further, either. If reasonable talking doesn't help, I end up usually standing there and taking it, or slipping out of the room when he pauses for a breath (if he isn't blocking the exit, which he's done in the past). I'll take a walk, take a drive, do something just to give him a little "cool down", but often when I come back, he's still angry because I left and he had no target for the rest of the tirade. *sigh* Kids have only witnessed a handful of these episodes so far (a handful too many for me).
When I have told him that I'm considering divorce, he is angry first ("Just do what you need to do then! Go!"), then repentent in under 30 mins. ("I know I'm not easy to be with...but I can't imagine being without you...tell me what to do to try and make it better.") When I do try to suggest options for us, he says "I'll think about it" then rejects them in a couple days (after good behavior), saying "See? I can treat you better...we don't need counseling." And he eventually slips back into the usual anger patterns.
I'm not without blame, I don't mean to portray that I am. My H believes (per Christian right, he claims) that the man is the "head of the household" and has the right to "rule" his wife and family. That galls me so much, and I admit to smirks and outright derisive laughter at those statements (for which I'm called a "disobedient wife"). I am not a raging feminist, but I do want my opinion to matter an to be treated as a partner in this M, not a subservient.
Anyway, there I am.
BTW, Burt, how do I start a thread? I'm happy to do that but I'm fairly forum-challenged. Thanks again, all.
Thanks, Burt. That is the plan. I am trying to find things to do. I always have the gym, but that isn't enough. Most of my friends are either "our" friends, or her family (it is very large) One of my best friends is her sister's husband. I need to do things that are completely outside of her/us. I am trying to connect with people I work with, or old friends I haven't seen in a while. Maybe I will just go out alone once in a while. She doesn't have to know I am not meeting anybody, right?
Hi Orich,
I have almost the same problem and am doing the same things. I have even gone out a few times by myself. The funniest thing is when I go out to a bar by myself and tell her exactly what I am doing - where I am going and that it is by myself. She freaked out because she didn't believe me - in her mind I must be going somewhere else, or at a minimum meeting someone there and lying about it.
Waywards tend to project their poor behavior onto their spouse. SCRIPT.
Now that she has explained to me that her talking down to me was intentionally to keep me from thinking she is warming back up to me, and I told her I didn't think that was the case, she is all sweetness and light. So far today she has talked to me like we are good friends again. I will continue my last resort technique, hoping for the best but preparing for the worse. Cam this get any crazier?
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
