Cautiously Optimistic

[Done in VA]

I've been on this board in newcomers for awhile & have been convinced to switch to the MLC forum.

Where to begin? H's Childhood...mom first marriage - his dad - supposedly dad cheated, divorced around age 2. Dad kidnapped him & took him out of the country(where he's from) - mom had to go get him. mom's 2nd marriage - about 6 yrs to alcoholic/abuser, mom's 3rd marriage - H is aged 11-13???, supposedly love of her life, left her, mom's 4th marriage - when H goes to college for 1 year, this guy leaves her. Currently single. Mom rarely let dad see him, hasn't had contact w/Dad since he was about 14. If asked about Dad, says - he just doesn't care about him yet, saw him get EXTREMELY mad when Dad sent a baby shower gift for our S. Would never open up to me about Dad. Mom is a narcissist. World revolves around her. Uses people & disposes of them. Love comes w/conditions. If you kiss her butt OR if you are in a position of power to do things FOR her, you are in her good graces. She always talks about H's childhood as it was "them against the world" or "H was just a good kid - he never gave me any problems". He almost became a surrogate H to her. Talked to him about finances...just weird stuff that a kid shouldn't be dealing with. H grows up as an "emotional stuffer".

Incidents pre bomb -
2005 - H had a job around 28 yrs old making $150K - very proud of it, everyone else was 40 yrs+. I always complained about his travel 3-4 days/week. I was home at the time w/a 2 & 3 yr old & I have to work evenings & weekends & would always be the one left scrambling. His company went thru a reorg & he got a new boss - a micromanager. Started complaining about him everyday. I said - why don't you tell him to screw off? You are so business-minded, you would be a great asset to become my partner & grow the the company. After months of consideration decides to do just that. Now mind you, in this industry, even if you are partners, there can only be ONE head of the company - no way around it...and that was me - so in reality, I was his boss.

Started w/me in 06. He also quit playing baseball around that time (which was always a source of contention) bc he said he knew he was going to have to work weekends & with the kids, it wouldn't fit into his schedule anymore.

Spring of 2008 - First thing was he wanted to go back to corporate america. Had a friend who still worked at company he left & they had gotten a really cool new boss shortly after her left. He would make comments like - I should have stayed there, that was such easy money. He then got really busy at working & doing really well so he didn't pursue leaving. He had been pulling away from me just barely noticeable

June 08, asked what was wrong - said nothing. He went from listening to rap music to country. Jacked up his truck (but he had always wanted to do that). Leased a new Infiniti (said it was for tax purposes since both other cars were paid off). He also started getting into fishing, got a gun, started hunting/shooting range.

Oct. 08 - Things did not change, a little more distant - asked what was wrong with him "the only thing I can tell you is that in premarital counseling I remember the counselor saying - doesn't it bother you when she talks over you? at the time it didn't, but somewhere along the line it did." I thought - we're just going thru a rocky patch, he doesn't like his job, etc. Not too concerned.

Nov/Dec 08 - starts walking ahead of me, won't sit by me at restaurants, if I go to hold his hand, will make an excuse to do something & not return to take my hand. I just think he's being a jerk - so I react negatively & get mad. I told him to get his resume together & encouraged him to be happy - why don't you go back to corporate america? Had another talk w/him New Year's Eve - he tells me that I've gotten cold & mean over the years. I come off as brash. Also had a talk with His mom says she notices him being an a-hole & talks to him...

The bomb - Jan 2009 - I ask him - what is wrong with you? he says - I have been too controlling. He never wanted to quit his job. He made up that he had a micromanager so that he could quit & get away from my nagging. He had also been resenting me about baseball. He said he never said anything to me about the way he was feeling & he knew he shouldn't have handled things that way, but he did & now he had these feelings & he couldn't fix them. He seemed sad & remorseful at the time. Most of his answers to my questions were "I don't know". Has also said he "felt lost". He immediately agreed to go to MC, but would never agree to "work" on the marriage. Little by little he took all physical contact away over the first month. We even went on a cruise together in March platonically bc he said he still had fun w/me & still "liked" me. Of course I told him I would change, but he was adamant that "people can't change".

March 2009 - starts job up in corporate America. Plays bball again. Team he is on is all younger guys - not family oriented...have parties - play beer pong, do shots at noon & act like they are in a fraternity.

Since all this in MC, once he said if I would have supported him in his passion of bball, we would not be in this mess. Next time says (with venom in his eyes) control & bball are only a 1/3 of the problem!!! I am just mean to him & other people. I am not warm & fuzzy, I am cold & not hospitable. Last session he admits that I have changed yet he doesn't feel anything for me.

Things a little different from many MLC's & who knows what's to come...no evidence of any sort of affair, not financially irresponsible & still maintains good relationships w/the kids.

On & on the roller coaster goes...never goes up very high...but certainly goes down pretty low. Sometimes I think it is taking me to the depths of he!!

[Mach1]

Hey Hope,

Let me be the first ( depending on how slow I type, and because Trapt is still hungover from his glitter party, and B was up late talking to some Doofus on the phone) to welcome you here, although it sucks to be here.

[Upside]

Hi Hope-
Sorry that you have found yourself here however this place will give you a little bit of sanity in the crazy world of MLC.

Your H is following the script...He thinks you're controlling, he feels lost, he says you can't change, blah, blah, blah! Two years ago my H was saying the exact same things. Recently he admitted his anger toward me and that he perceived me as "negative". He said that EVERYTHING I did made him angry. He admits that it didn't matter what I did, he would have found something wrong with it. You will need to give your H his space to let him figure this all out.

Each MLC person handles MLC a little differently. Hopefully your H does not have an OW, remains financially responsible and keeps a good relationships with the kids. That being said, prepare yourself for anything. This rollercoaster is long with lots of drops and curves so you will need to learn to detach. This will truly be a test of your love for your H and patience. Learning as much as you can about MLC and depression is helpful. Find your strength and figure out how, regardless of the outcome, you and your kids will be okay.

(((HUGS)))

[Jimbo]

Hi Hope,

Sorry that you have to go through all this- nobody should. But you're in good, supportive company here. Glad you shifted over. I think you'll find what you need, and learn so much more about you than you ever imagined possible.

-Jimbo

[dl443322]

Hi. I know you are friends with my buddy, Mach, so I know you are already in good hands.

I think you are in the right forum because clearly your h shows signs of MLC.

So, what have you done so far according to basic DBing because this is really about you? We find ourselves and sometimes a marriages gets saved.

I always say that this is a journey I was meant to take, with changes and lessons I needed to make and learn. I just wish it didnt have to be done through the MLC rollercoaster. But, that's life.

Anyway, first and foremost, you need to take care of yourself and your children. H has to do this on his own. No other way, really.

Have you been looking inside yourself to see what changes to you, you want to make?

Start to GAL, for you.
Start to put the focus on you and the kids.
Any changes that you make in the hopes that h will notice, will backfire. He will see they are not real and that will set you back.

So, welcome to the MLC forum.
Strap yourself in, it's going to be a bumpy ride. But, I couldnt do it with better people.

[SoCo]

Welcome!! You will get some great support and make some awesome friends here. I second what B and Jimbo said...

[Done in VA]

thanks so much for your post - Mach speaks the world of you!

What have I done so far? Spoken w/Atty...just to cover my bases

GAL - lots of reading, reconnecting w/old friends, making new friends, spending quality time w/kids...

When H first started his complaints, I took note & tried to figure out how to change to accommodate him. Little did I know, along the way, that I LIKED these changes. I needed to make these changes for myself. Many of these things I have learned to do by DBing. I'm normally the type of person to just say what I think. I have learned to hold back & have patience, not to react. In doing this the following changes have taken place in me:

1. I don't always have to share my opinion.
2. Not all people like to debate & some even get offended if I feel the need to offer the opposing viewpoint on what they are sharing.
3. I can be open-minded & flexible
4. I think before I speak...if I am wondering whether to say something or not, I probably shouldn't say it.
5. not everyone has to have a "reason", the fact they feel a certain way, can be reason enough.
6. Think...does what am I about to say have an ulterior motive, if so, don't say it.
7 Encouraging others makes ME feel good

[SoCo]

That sounds like a really good list. I have/had a few of those qualities you mentioned in my marriage...well, just in myself in general. Like the saying whatever you think (not in a mean way, but just saying), and I love a good debate. LOL I have had to learn to greatly filter what I say in this situation, and to try to rein in my need for always being right... LOL You will definitely grow through this process, and I'm glad you spoke with an attorney, just in case.

[fisherman]

Hey Hope!!

Great job on the positve changes!!

Let me be the first ( depending on how slow I type, and because Trapt is still hungover from his glitter party, and B was up late talking to some Doofus on the phone) to welcome you here, although it sucks to be here.

I posted pics of this "glitter party" just for B. They flat out ROCKED!!
Dude I was up with the kids at 5:30 this am btw....and who is this doofus you speak of??

[Done in VA]

Oh & I'm learning to be humble & have grace. I have to admit, I still cringe at having to be humble bc I would rather be right. Some days I think - why do I have to be the bigger person? I want to be the little tiny selfish person! WAHHH! And then I scrape myself up off the floor...

I am so mad that I missed the glitter party! I hope there were glow sticks.