A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[Phoenixdeux]

Our sex life during the A was actually crazy. She kept wanting it. But I can't put in words what it felt like when she told me after that she felt absolutely nothing for me, nothing when we kissed, and that just thinking of him set her off and we were having sex because she wanted him. Talk about brutal honesty.

When I found out, she agreed to stop the affair but insisted on being "friends". And yes, claiming that she had this special connection with him and being in love with him and only "caring" for me. She cares very deeply for the kids and did not want to hurt them. For the better part of 9 months, we lived in the same house, but seemingly on different planets, coming together mainly to scream at each other.

I'm sorry for this. You are a bigger man than I. I couldn't hear this from my wife's mouth and want to be with her. I don't know how you get past that. There are books out there I suppose. What would be hardest to get past is the fact that she basically chose to stay with you because it sounds like he didn't want to break up his marriage and wanted to protect it.

Things I do know:
1) A great deal of getting past this (if you choose to) is up to you. She can't be 100% responsible for making you feel better about things. She sounds like she's making some effort though. I've heard that in these cases that you do need to talk it through, but you can't do it all the time. I've seen the suggestion that you set aside one hour once a week and that's all the time you get to ask questions or work through the affair details. You have to hold in all questions until that time. Next time around it's two weeks. Or something like that.

2) The only contact those two should ever have is in the course of business...that means there shouldn't be occasions where there is contact, even on the phone, during non-working hours. Is that the case?

3) She's probably right that unless you commit to trusting her, you probably won't fully develop the relationship. Of course, she also needs to be committed to fostering trust. If she's holding it out as solely your problem then she's wrong. Trust requires trustworthiness. I'd say she hasn't necessarily earned it. She throws up all these walls and excuses why it isn't possible not to deal with OM, but are those just excuses to keep the option open, or reality?

4) Wish I could be more helpful. The thought of my wife getting horny from someone else and using me to act out the fantasy makes me sick. I applaud you staying with her despite all this...I don't know that I could.