I am fairly new to this stuff as well, so I will defer to folks like Puppy, Coac, Greek and Sandi (and others). But, here's my $0.02 worth.
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Now it seems that me not bringing the R talk up or finalizing the sep agreement (though proper DB) has backfired. She says now that it is "clear" we can't seem to talk about it or get it done, she needs to get her lawyer involved.
Don't think it backfired - seems that it worked. Has she brought this up in teh last 2-3 weeks - you said not. Was there supposed to be a discussion about it?
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The danger I see is she talks about the money spent on lawyers, time and energy spent already on this separation/divorce, etc. as sort of being committed to this path. Not sure how I am to respond to that line of "reasoning."
If she is committed to that path, why the obvious conflict in her? As far as how to handle it, I would stick with DB'ing. Given the circumstances, re-open the discussion on the S agreement. Be willing to talk about it, but also tell her you do not agree with her decision - you can't make her do anything, but you don't agree. By discussing the S agreement and telling her you can't make her do anything, you are giving her the responsibility for making the choice. You do not want her to leave, but if she wants, she, and only SHE, can make that decision. It seems like she, in common WAW tact, is blaming you for all the problems, thereby justifying her choice - dare I say she believes you have forced her to do this. The fact she is still conflicted may show she is leaving a little bit of the door open.
Be strong and have the discussion. Show her you will not shy away from discussing the S agreement, even though it is not what you want.
Don't think it backfired - seems that it worked. Has she brought this up in teh last 2-3 weeks - you said not. Was there supposed to be a discussion about it?
The way things were left, I gave her my comments back, she said she needed more than that and I said we could talk more but she never brought it up again. In her view, based on this morning, I had the responsibility to do that and I didn't follow through.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
If she is committed to that path, why the obvious conflict in her?
I don't know if it is so obvious - she seems pretty rigid on the fact that she wants to go ahead with things.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
It seems like she, in common WAW tact, is blaming you for all the problems, thereby justifying her choice - dare I say she believes you have forced her to do this. The fact she is still conflicted may show she is leaving a little bit of the door open.
That is exactly what she has said - there is no choice by her but that she HAS to do this and it is all my doing. Still not sure about conflict right now, but I need to ease back from this morning's nonsense and get some perspective.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Have you been reading SmileyPerson's threads at all? If you want a playbook on how to get your wife re-attracted to you, there it is. His whole approach has been one of "smile and wave," and "Hey, you're the one who said you wanted this, so . . . " At the moment, he's still not responding to her hints and clues, because he's not sure he wants her back (not sure I would, either), but I contend that it's RIPE for a reconciliation attempt, IF that's what he wanted.
Sounds pretty similar to my sitch. My W told me "She Can't be married to me anymore" as if it was something over which she had no control. I now understand where she is coming from - WAW, pure WAW.
Ok, first, I think you should let her know you guys do not seem to be communicating as well as you could - specifically the miscommunication about who was to do what for the S agreement.
What did she say she needed more of when you guys last discussed the S agreement? More $$? or what?
Still think she is conflicted but she, like many WAW's (mine included) try to put on a face of determination. My W even told me she was "resolute" in her decision to leave. Mine is still here...for now.
The way I would handle the discussion re the separation agreement is set a time to discuss it - just you two. Explain that you acceept the fact that you have no control over what she chooses to do. Tell her you don't agree with her decision to leave, but understand that is what she wants. While telling her she has a choice of whether to leave or not, you want her to stay - but again, that's her decision. Be calm, soft spoken, yet firm when you explain this to her. And, be prepared for whatever she chooses. If she wants to move forward with the S agreement, then have that discussion. But you will have given her some things to think about, and you place the responsibility for deciding to leave squarelywhere it belongs...ON HER.
Hang in there. I'm thinking of you. You can do this.
Just got a call from my attorney, her attorney called and said she doesn't want to agree to all the things discussed so looks like it is going to start getting ugly.
I have followed SP thread, have learned some and realize I am still early in this process but when the lawyers get involved it is very depressing. Anyway, not sure what his thread applies to mine as there is no real clues my WAW is open to anything other than getting divorced.
WAW doesn't want to talk to me about this now, it is clear, and I have made it clear I don't want this but it is her decision and I will not fight her on it. She is still full steam ahead.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I have followed SP thread, have learned some and realize I am still early in this process but when the lawyers get involved it is very depressing. Anyway, not sure what his thread applies to mine as there is no real clues my WAW is open to anything other than getting divorced.
I pointed you to this threads because I want you to look at how he's responded to his wife when she was exactly the same way. With a positive, "Your loss, toots -- this is what you wanted!" sort of thing.
It WORKS.
Legally, seek out Coach and Greek, for how a legal hard-line can make a wayward wife respond.
I see; I think that is the approach I am and will be taking. I plan to work with her but will not give anything away with the agreement. I have made it clear I am working on myself and working on changes not to get her back, but for me and my future. I don't want to "get back to the way things were" but rather hopefully build a new marriage with her, but if not than so be it and down the road I will apply these changes to another relationship.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
If the opportunity presents itself, the way I was told (by Coach, Sandi, or Puppy?) was: I am working on my next R (by making my changes). I hope that ew R (which is not going to be like old M) is with you, but that is your choice. Either way, I will be fine.
